The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy
by Daelena
Summary: When the Expedition members get a little out of hand, Elizabeth decides that it'll be a good idea to have some kind of rule book for them. Thus, the Idiot's Guide was born. Read, review and enjoy the insanity of Atlantis.
1. Chapter 1

The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy 

_Disclaimer – I own nothing in the Stargate franchise. I am simply borrowing their work purely for my own creative purposes. I make no profits from this. Sorry. _

_Author's Note: This was written before Season 4 premiered, so Dr. Weir is still in the picture as in command of Atlantis. She makes for an interesting leader, so I didn't want to have to write her off and out of my story. She'll be in this all the way through, unless I decide otherwise._

Chapter 1 – part 1

After over two years in the Pegasus Galaxy, it still took Dr. Weir by surprise how many stupid things got done by the members of the Atlantis Expedition. While brain-storming, however, Elizabeth was struck with a really good idea.

The next day, the entire city received an e-mail with a link attached to it. When clicking the link, they found themselves connected to what seemed like a web-site, titled: _The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy_. On said site was what appeared to be the first of what promised to be many rules and guidelines on how to deal with living in the Pegasus Galaxy.

_The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy_

1. Jumpers are not toys.

Obviously. There were only a certain number of Jumpers on Atlantis. They couldn't afford to damage any of them. Yet, there were Atlantis teams that found it highly amusing to race the Jumpers, and to try and do stunts with them. The Command Staff wasn't too pleased with said teams.

2. Coffee is not to be hoarded.

A. We need it too.

B. There are limited supplies between Daedalus runs.

The scientists had taken to hoarding the coffee. No one else was happy. The soldiers had almost rebelled. Elizabeth had to resolve it diplomatically. She wasn't too happy, either.

3. Country music is annoying.

In response to losing their stash of coffee, the scientists had rigged the PA system to play country music. Elizabeth hadn't even tried to stop the soldiers from raiding the labs. Carson was so pleased about the stop of the music that he hadn't even complained about all the injured soldiers and scientist who had come in after the ensuing fight.

4. Be nice to the soldiers.

A. They protect you.

Scientists were very good at holding grudges, Rodney especially.

5. Don't give pyros matches.

A. Or lighters.

B. Or magnifying glasses.

C. Or anything else that can start fires.

D. It's not funny anymore, people.

Lt. Joshua Adams of Atlantis-6 (A-6) was a pyro. Fortunately, his CO was a fast thinker. Captain Annie Dyson had gotten her team off-planet before they got attacked by an angry mob. Now, Joshua was prohibited from holding anything that could start fires. His teammates, Annie, Dr. Sean Tyler and Dr. Erin Krasin, were severely watching him, under pain of death.

6. Use your heads.

A. Just not literally.

Soldiers were idiots sometimes. Scientists weren't much better.

7. The scientists are allowed to play with children's toys.

Apparently, the scientists had bribed the Daudalus crew to bring them Earth toys. Now, the brightest minds of two galaxies were playing with things like Legos and Tinker Toys. It was kinda scary but wicked cool when they used the toys during a demonstration.

8. Pets have to be cleared by the SGC.

When Elizabeth had gone to a planet with A-1 for trade negotiations, she had been given the planet's equivalent to a dog, who would be fiercely loyal to its owner. Now, she was the proud mother and owner of a five-foot tall red, wolf-like creature she had named Clifford (after Clifford the Big Red Dog). Clifford was scary, and pictures of him sent back to Earth had caused the SGC to tremble in their boots, but no one wanted him to go away, since he was friendly (if he liked you, anyway).

9. Fireworks are to be kept on Atlantis.

A-13 wasn't very lucky. They had Roman candles off-world, and they had shot them off. Some of the natives had thought that they were pretty. The priests didn't think so. Now Atlantis wasn't allowed to go back.

10. Football is not allowed to be played anywhere but the gym.

A. Same for rugby.

B. And lacrosse.

C. And every other sport. See the infirmery for the full list.

Carson wasn't happy when Rodney and Major Lorne came hobbling into the infirmary after a rough game of football. Not even twenty-four hours later, Sgt. Walters had a broken wrist from playing a brutal game of lacrosse on the balcony.

11. Crayons are to be supervised.

No one wanted to know why A-3 took crayons off-world. Now, they were only allowed back, and only if they brought crayons with them.

12. The Ghostbusters Theme Song is not to be played around Colonel Caldwell.

A. Or any of the invented lyrics.

B. He does go back to Earth on a regular basis.

The Ghostbusters Song was a personal favorite of many of the expedition memebers. But, Caldwell didn't see the humor in it, so no one played it when he was around. But they liked to hum the melody, or mumble any of the Atlantis-modified lyrics.

13. No pranks off-world

Far too many teams had continued prank wars off-world. That was a problem. Dr. Heightmeyer would have plenty of customers soon.

14. Smiling helps.

A. People will like you better.

B. We want them to like us.

No one contended that one.

15. Be nice to resident aliens.

A. That includes Clifford.

Ronan and Teyla had heard quite a few alien remarks. Teyla, being Teyla, had tried to resolve it peacefully. Ronan hadn't. Clifford had taken quite a shine to the Satedan, and they were very frightening when paired together.

16. Only Dr. Weir and Ronan are allowed to take Clifford off-world.

They were the only ones Clifford actually listened to. According to Ronan, the dog and the alien had a bond, and Elizabeth kept them under control, pointing them in the right direction. However, in her mind, Ronan and Clifford were more like fairly reckless, occasionally idiotic partners in crime, and Elizabeth was their exasperated keeper and sometime well-planned leader.

17. Be nice to the women.

So, the all-male A-10 had made a crack or two. Unfortunately, they had made it in the presence of Elizabeth, Teyla, Miko and Lt. Laura Cadmen. The rest of the base cringed when those four got together. Only the Formidable Four, as they were now called, could create such a reaction.

18. Colonel Sheppard is not a lab rat.

A. Despite his obvious inherent knack for the ATA gene.

John didn't like to be used for lab tests. That was enough said.

19. If you don't want anything to get back to Earth, don't gossip about it.

A. The Command Staff may not care, but the Daedalus crew will.

A couple of scientists had been talking about certain missions. Some of the Daedalus crew had overheard. The long and short of it was it got back to Earth. The scientists were now the laughing stock of Atlantis, at least, until the next stupid event. Still, the soldiers were enjoying ribbing them.

20. A-1 are not gods.

That mistake was all too common whenever teams went through the Stargate. It's just that A-1 was more prone to it than other teams. Now the rest of the expedition was treating them like gods. That didn't help Rodney's ego at all. Or John's for that matter.

21. Don't bother the kitchen staff.

A. They make our food.

B. You won't like them when they're angry

It was common sense not to mess with the kitchen staff. One foul comment about them, and there would be no good food for a month. That, Airmen Matthews learned, was enough to cause an entire base of people to hate you.

22. Roller-skating without supervision is prohibited.

A. Use the proper safety gear.

B. And only in certain parts of Atlantis.

The soldiers were quickly becoming notorious for doing stupid things when they were bored.

23. Scientists need keepers.

Scientists apparently weren't much better. At least they could be contained. Elizabeth was seriously considering having someone watch them full-time.

24. Paint is forbidden.

A. If you want it that bad, just ask Dr. Weir first.

John must have had a total brain-fart. He, along with Rodney, and a number of other soldiers and scientists, had decided to do some decorating for a celebration of their arrival on Atlantis. Basically, Elizabeth wasn't happy. They had to clean it up now.

25. Neither Colonel Shepoard nor Dr. McKay have all the answers.

They still thought that they were gods. Enough said.

26. Teyla is good at fighting and being diplomatic.

A. Be nice to her.

Teyla'd had enough of stupid people. She went straight to Elizabeth. It got put to an end.

27. You are not Harry Potter.

A. You can't do "magic" with your "wands."

B. Stop it!

A-13 hadn't learned yet. They had smuggled their Roman candles off-world, and had decided to chase each other around while shooting them off. The natives of that planet now worshipped the Portal Gods and their Sticks of Pretty Colors.

28. Grudges are very bad.

The scientists hadn't learned either. Certain grudges had caused A-4 to end up bringing Dr. Ye home with a leg broken in three places.

29. Hot sauces are not allowed off-world.

A. It's just not nice, people.

A-10, yet again. They had given some "Dave's Insanity Sauce" to some natives, and had videotaped (videotaped!) the whole thing. Now, they were the Feared Liquid Fire Gods of M38-472. Elizabeth wasn't letting them go back any time soon.

30. Mandatory Atlantis boot-camp is just that: mandatory.

A. All newbies must go.

B. Unless you really have a legitimate health problem, don't even try to get out of it.

C. The Marine Brigade will find you.

It was a good idea, having an Atlantis boot-camp. It gave all newbies a chance to get the lowdown on Atlantis, and it gave the Marine Brigade a chance to torture more innocent, unsuspecting people

31. Laughing in the face of danger isn't a good idea.

A. It'll just piss 'em off

B. Shooting and laughing at the same time, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.

Actually, Kate Heightmeyer had pointed out that laughing at the "bad guys" while shooting at them was mentally all right. It just seriously annoyed the Wraith and all other Atlantis enemies. Now all the teams were doing it. Ronan was a bad influence sometimes.

32. Snakes are scary.

A-5 had gated to a snake world. One came back with them, quite by accident. Clifford was now the best friend of the entire base. After that event, everyone went out of their way to give treats to the alien wolf-dog. Elizabeth was surprisingly relieved and happy when Clifford became the base's new favorite secret weapon, aside from Teyla and Ronan, that is.

It surprised her that that the Idiot's Guide had grown so quickly, and that it was so popular. Then again, they needed it.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

Chapter 2 – part 2

In just about two months, the Idiot's Guide had grown and was a base-wide hit. The Daedalus found some of these things highly amusing. The SGC still hadn't a clue at all about it.

33. While you may not like it, we can not run on caffeine and sugar alone.

A. It's bad for you.

No one was really happy, but it was true.

34. Do not emulate SG-1.

A. They do stupid things.

B. Just ask Dr. Weir.

During her tenure as the commander of the SGC, some stupid and dangerous things had happened to SG-1. She definitely didn't want a clone on SG-1 on Atlantis. It was bad for them. She already had A-1, A-6, A-10 and A-13 doing some stupid things, but she didn't want them to be as bad as SG-1 was.

35. Atlantis is smart.

A. And empathetic too.

Atlantis was highly intelligent. She could sense mood shifts, and would try to fix them. Not even John could stop her. Turns out, Atlantis was nicer to women. It took the entire female population to get her back to the way she was before. Needless to say, the women gloated and milked it for all it's worth, which prompted the next rule.

36. Men are not the inferior gender.

A. Women just have more common sense.

B. And are like better than men by Atlantis.

In order to keep everyone happy, Atlantis had put that amendment up. No one wanted to get on Atlantis' bad side.

37. Nothing is impossible.

A. We do it everyday.

Nothing was impossible! That was clear on Year One. Newbies just didn't realize that. It did take some time for people to come to terms with the fact that life on Atlantis was not normal and that anything was possible for them.

38. Supply Wars are hereby prohibited.

It was a long three weeks between Daedalus trips. The base had ended up fighting each other for supplies. Basically, they had to resort to pulling out stashes. Then, the soldiers realized that the scientist had their own stashes hoarded away. It wasn't very pretty when the Daedalus returned.

39. Monsters really do live in the deep.

And here Elizabeth thought everyone remembered when Rodney had been trapped in a sunken Jumper. Well, that's what happens when people play out on the ends of piers.

40. Pretty plants and animals can and are bad.

Were they really that stupid? John had touched a pretty plant off-world. Teyla, Rodney and himself had turned a very bright pink and yellow. The three were so self-conscious when returning through the 'gate that they had holed themselves up in the infirmary until they had returned to normal. Elizabeth and Ronan had spent the better part of the debriefing laughing at their expense. Teyla, they felt sorry for. John or Rodney, not so much.

41. Don't mess with the Formidable Four.

A.Or the Secret Six, as they are now known.

B. Or their Mascot.

In recent days, the Formidable Four had recruited both Kate Brown and Kate Heightmeyer to their group, and they had Clifford as their mascot now. They were really frightening now.

42. Explosions aren't always good

A. Don't blame them on anyone.

B. That's just mean.

Zalenka blew up a lab. He blamed Rodney. Now both had weekly therapy sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer to attempt to resolve the issues they faced.

43. Candy should never be taken off-world, people.

Honestly, the base should know better by now. A-15 had candy. They would've been killed had Major Sampson not had a large bag of it in his backpack. Now the entire base knew better,

44. Creating sticky gloves is not a good idea.

A. You are not Spiderman!

The scientists had gotten it into their heads that it'd be a good idea to create gloves that would allow them to climb walls and shoot webs. The soldiers thought it was a good idea and had wanted to test them out. Carson hadn't been too happy when they had come walking in with a wide variety of injuries.

45. 'It's got big teeth' is no excuse.

A-11 had brought home a fluffy rabbit. It was deadly. Clifford got lunch and the team had to endure far too many Monty Python quotes and insinuations.

46. Bonding activities are wonderful.

A. Even stupid ice-breakers.

B. People, it's a good idea to like each other.

When Atlantis had fallen into a funk, Elizabeth and Kate Heightmeyer had decided to have the entire base participate in bonding activities. The soldiers had protested with that their dignity was at stake with games such as 'Drip, Drip, Drop,' 'Group Juggling' and 'Human Knot.' They, however, took to 'The Awkward Game' and 'Graveyard' as it allowed them to do stupid and gross things in order to win and inflict humiliation on others. The Daedalus had been taken aback, but had warmed to the idea after seeing an all-out bout of 'Alderbeast.'

47. Songs from musicals are not to be blared over the intercom.

A. Not even if they're cool songs from Rent

Most of the girls on base liked Rent. They liked to blare the songs, which ultimately annoyed many of the guys. There was an unholy alliance of the soldiers and the scientists to make it stop. However, the girls had Clifford on their side, along with, for some strange reason, Ronan, Carson, the entire medical staff and the entire kitchen staff. In all retrospect, it had been a pretty cool base war.

48. Hide all non-standard weapons discreetly.

This one was directed at Ronan in particular. After the 'Rent War,' Elizabeth had to have a talk with him about his knives.

49. Don't piss of Rodney.

A. He can make your life miserable.

John had annoyed him. Then John's shower water inexplicably went cold. It took a lot by way of Elizabeth to calm Rodney down.

50. Remember allergies?

A. They apply to people off-world too.

B. Use your brains, please.

Okay, it was official. John was an idiot almost all the time. But he wasn't the only one. A-5. A-10 and A-16 had also been guilty of causing the emergence of allergies off-world. What was it with Atlantis and getting run off planets by angry mobs of natives anyway?

51. General O'Neill is special.

A. He has a different point-of-view than most Air Force generals.

B. Than most people, for that matter.

General O'Neill had approved of Clifford and had liked the idea of Atlantis' bonding activities. Other higher-ups weren't as pleased about Elizabeth's pet and had taken a very long time to comprehend the ice-breakers. Needless to say, Atlantis liked O'Neill a lot.

52. Just say no.

Marines were Marines. They couldn't say 'no' to food. Now they were paying for it by puking their guts out after eating some really funky alien food. Carson had glared at John and was mumbling something incoherent about the incompetence of some soldiers' training.

53. Chasing each other with sticks, while funny, is pointless.

A. People will think you're crazy.

What had gotten into A-13? No one really knew. They were some of the most thick-headed, easily entertained people in the galaxy. No wonder the people of M76-442 were so happy to get rid of them.

54. Team nights must be scheduled around missions.

A. Coming back early for previously planned events is not allowed either.

B. Same goes for dates.

C. Seriously people, we're professionals.

There were a couple of reasons that had prompted this. John was smiling while Rodney was walking around grumbling.

55. Pirates and ninjas are fine.

A. While on base.

No one really knew how that came about, but now Atlantis was divided into two factions: pirates and ninjas.

56. Don't take any base-created activities off-world.

Pirates and ninjas had seeped off-world. Now at least three other worlds had religions based on that.

57. Contrary to popular belief, we can't do everything.

A world was on the brink of a global meltdown. Fortunately that crisis had been adverted, but not without some serious costs. The natives, while grateful to Atlantis, was upset that the new residents of the Lost City couldn't save everyone.

58. Care packages are always wonderful and welcome.

A. They're nice, too.

B. Share!

Some people got a lot of care packages. Others didn't. Those who did, gloated about it, and wouldn't share them. It really wasn't the soldier's fault that Lt. Anders couldn't control himself when punching Dr. Locke.

59. The Wraith can be anywhere.

A. They can attack at any time.

B. Be prepared.

Atlantis had gotten wind of an approaching hive ship. Luckily, the Daedalus and the Aurora were able to take care of it. Now Atlantis would forever be on a higher Wraith watch.

60. The Gateroom is not to be decorated unless you have the express permission of Dr. Wier.

The night techs along with a few teams had decided to decorate for holidays and birthdays. While she couldn't always condone their activities, Elizabeth had agreed that it raised the collective spirit of the base. Now the gate looked very festive and it was nice to see the base bond together like that.

61. No paintball guns are allowed.

A.Or Air Soft guns.

B. Or pellet guns.

C. Or anything of that sort.

What was wrong with the base? The pirates and the ninjas had wanted to have a base-wide fight. It was rather annoying having to deal with the technicalities. And it was the scientists of both sides who had first got the weapons, which was mildly surprising.

62. Be careful of the pictures you send back to Earth!

A. Plausible deniability, people.

The entire base was guilty this time. The higher-ups were mad. Elizabeth assured them repeatedly that she was taking care of it. And here was the rule for the idiots of the base.

63. That time of the month is not pretty.

A. Don't mess with the women.

B. We won't like you.

That was fair enough, considering the male population, being the large part of the base population, did not want to deal with PMS-y women. For their own personal safety, they retreated away whenever possible.

64. If they shoot at you, it's okay to shoot back.

The Marine Brigade went about their merry business knowing that the diplomats had forever been shut up about the whole "we can reason this out" methodology. When they got shot at, it felt darn nice to shoot the hell out of their attackers. Survival instincts were great!

65. Stop giving Clifford so many snacks.

A. He's starting to get fat!

Okay, the whole post-snake reward thing was having a bad effect on Clifford, who was very insistent on sharing Elizabeth's bed. Rewards for good behavior was fine, but always in moderation. Besides, she had protested that he farted when he got fed to much.

66. The enemy of my enemy is my friend is a good policy.

Despite Ronan's protests that they could still be your enemy, it was a good idea. God only knew that Atlantis need a positive mind-set like that.

67. Comic books are to remain on base.

A. Along with horror novels.

B. And fantasy novels.

C. Please see the complete list of books in the commissary.

Slowly but surely Atlantis was corrupting every planet they went to with their reading, required or otherwise. Elizabeth had discreetly asked A-1 to begin assembling a list of books that should stay on Atlantis for the bulletin board. A-1'd had the least number of reading-related problems of any Atlantis team surprisingly.

68. The Daedalus is not to be referred to as the Enterprise in any of in reincarnations.

What had gotten into the scientists? They were in nerd mode, and only bad things could come of that.

69. Rafting through rapids is never a good idea.

A. Especially if you don't have any sort of a floatation device.

B. No, Rodney doesn't count, John.

A-1 had been chased by the Wraith off-world. They decided that it would be a good idea to swim down river to try and lose them. They had hit rapids. John had grabbed the babbling, panicking Rodney to keep himself up. Rodney wasn't too happy, especially when the pair had hit rocks. Carson had taken one look at the two of them and had almost started to cry. Ronan and Teyla had escaped with only minor injuries, on the other hand, because they'd grabbed onto Clifford, who was a good swimmer and had gotten them to shore safely.

Typing in the last few commands, Elizabeth pressed enter and added the newest addition to the list. Smiling at her work, she rose and went to check on A-1.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. I'm just temporarily borrowing with absolutely no monetary gain. _

_Author's Note: I appreciate the reviews so far. They make me happy. Just so you know, this is the third of about six parts I have already prepared. Which means, I'm going to have to start writing some new material very, very soon. That said, I am always welcome to suggestions from the Peanut Gallery. However, don't let that deceive you. There are some very good ideas currently being formulated. _

Chapter 3 – part 3

Elizabeth shook her head when both Rodney and John came limping out of the infirmary. A-1 was on medical leave until both were healed. Putting a hand on Clifford's back, she turned to Ronan and Teyla. "They never learn, do they?" Both shook their heads, smiling faintly.

70. Blowing up a sun is fine. Blowing up a solar system is way cooler.

There had been some speculation as to who was smarter: Samantha Carter or Rodney. In all fairness, Elizabeth thought blowing up a solar system pretty much on his own was way cooler than blowing up a sun with help.

71. The Ancients weren't perfect.

A. Even they made mistakes.

Lab in a volcano. Danger signs were everywhere.

72. The Medical Staff is not allowed to invent games using their supplies.

A. We need them!

B. Only if it is a cool game can it be played, but come to Dr. Weir first for permission.

Now the Medical Staff was making up games too! Then again, the Gurney Games, which parodied the Olympics, had been a big hit. On the plus side, no one had been injured, either.

73. Shit happens. Get over it.

Rule of thumb in their galaxy. It helped everyone deal with the hard times and stop from going completely insane.

74. When on off-world missions, please don't sing 'A Pirates' Life for Me.'

A. Or 'Knights of the Round Table.'

B. Or 'The Song That Never Ends.'

C. Or 'The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves.'

D. We now have a list of prohibited songs.It's in the commissary. Read it.

A-10 was at it again. Soon every team had adopted singing very annoying songs. After the tenth team had come running back through the gate under fire, Elizabeth had to put a stop to it.

75. The words "I'm fine" are never to be uttered.

A. Don't make Carson cry.

B. Again.

John was horrible. Then again, so was Ronan. When either had so much uttered the words when injured, Carson looked as if he could cry . . . or injure them further.

76. This is not Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

No one wanted to know why A-4 had said it. But now they had to bring the precious chocolate to M72-110 Elizabeth was annoyed. And so was the rest of the base.

77. Gambling off-world is hereby prohibited.

Well, Captain Dyson now had a husband. She and said husband fortunately were very much in love and had recently celebrated their first month of happy and blissful marriage.

78. Any personnel from 'Year One' know what they're talking about.

A. Even if they're ranked lower than you.

B. Or a civilian.

C. They went through hell.

D. Listen to them.

A hotshot newbie major got upset what a recently promoted captain from year one corrected him. The rest of the team pounced on him because the captain had been offended when he had told her to shut up. Now Major Edwards would be listening to the rest of his team.

79. By order of General O'Neill, we are now allowed to call the Wraith "evil space vampires."

Oops. Guess they'd slipped up again. Fortunately, Jack thought it was funny and they were now authorized to call the Wraith by Atlantis's preferred nickname.

80. Please be aware of how you write your mission reports.

A. The SGC gets them.

Okay, they were getting bad. One year of no contact with Earth had effectively corrupted the original expedition team's ability to write a proper mission report. The SGC had tried to correct it.

They were failing. Miserably.

81. Don't panic.

A. At least not during times of crisis.

B. We need you at full strength.

Rodney especially was having a hard time with this rule. He had protested that panicking lead to good ideas. No one really knew what to say.

82. Always have plans B and C.

A. Plan A almost never workes.

That was a no-brainer. Fortunately, plans B and C were mostly all-purpose: retreat/pick-me-up or blow-up.

83. 'They started it' is not acceptable.

A. Nor is 'But he did it first.'

B. Or 'They started it.'

Elizabeth was about ready to let Clifford chase the next team who uttered those words around the base. Multiple times. Until they swore that they would not so much as think about saying the words.

84. Natives can be very superstitious.

A-13 had been the fifth team run off-world by priests who thought that they had come to steal their souls. And they only had cameras. It really wasn't their fault. This time.

85. Clifford is not our mascot.

A. At least not officially, he isn't.

John and Rodney had co-conspired on that one. They had created a large number of Clifford-related items, including, for some reason, Clifford plush dolls. A few of the personnel thought that they were cute and sent them to nieces and nephews back home. The SGC wasn't happy. The children had thought that they were cute "doggies."

86. Children are just that: children.

A few times, some of the teams had been asked to baby-sit by the Athosians. That went well, until the Athosian parents had realized that neither the soldiers nor the scientists were exceptionally great at caring for children. Elizabeth just groaned at the thought of it.

87. Always give the impression of being calm, collected and controlled.

A. At least off-world.

B. On base is something else.

Well, if no one acted stupid off-world, they'd have plenty of allies. This one came directly from Earth. Atlantis gave it a day, two at best, before something stupid happened off-world.

88. Taking away the kitchen staff's music is a very bad idea.

Dr. Kavanagh and his very few followers had raided the kitchen staff's music collection, claiming it was unethical and "against the rules." The kitchen staff got angry with the offending party. The entire base suffered. Kavanagh had to give them the music back. Now he was getting the last pick of desserts as punishment.

89. Don't go crying back to Earth when Atlantis offends you.

A. We'll get mad at you.

B. You'll suffer.

Kavanagh had gone back to Earth with his complaints. O'Neill intercepted. Now the good doctor had to deal with an entire base that went out of its way to make his life absolutely miserable. Hopefully, he would learn his lesson.

90. You are not Jedi Masters.

A. You can't control the Force.

Great. Just great. There were a few teams who had gone out of their way to tell unsuspecting natives that they could control the Force. Now three more worlds worshipped them.

91. The male members of the expedition are not to hit on any woman off-world.

Dr. Jackson was suddenly becoming an example for many male expedition members. It was slowly becoming the goal of the male population to have girlfriends on every planet. The females of Atlantis got annoyed and had coaxed Atlantis into only listening to the women. Atlantis went along, proving, yet again, that the city liked the women more than the men.

92. Keep the illegal production of alcohol to a minimum.

A. Except for Dr. Zalenka.

B. He's good at it.

Radek had become quite proficient at making his own alcohol, learned by trial and error in Year One. The newbies weren't. This lead to many a lab explosions.

93. Anyone not from Year One is in training.

A. See list for expedition ranks.

a. arrival to month 1: newbie

b. month 2 to month 3: rookie

c. month 4 to month 6: member in the 3rd degree

d. month 7 to month 12: member in the 2nd degree

3. year 1 and up: member in the 1st degree

Year Oners were the originals. They got to make up the ranks people would qualify for, and how long it took for them to qualify.

94. The only people exempt from expedition ranks and training are Teyla, Ronan and Clifford.

Teylad had been from Year One and lived in Pegasus her entire life. Ronan had seven years of running under his belt. Clifford was a big alien dog and very scary.

95. No one is to mess with Clifford's games.

A. Unless you have a death wish or want to land in the infirmary.

Clifford had a habit of using Atlantis for his personal training and games. On numerous occasions, Elizabeth had visitors to her office compaining about injuries suffered because of being caught in the middle of one of his games, by accident. She'd resolved to train Clifford to not actually attack any personnel, and to stay away from the labs and the infirmary.

96. Pretty flowers are to stay in containers.

A. Except for the ones growing on this planet.

B. We don't want to kill anyone!

A pretty flower brought back from another planet had caused the entire base to get the flu. A-1 had taken over Elizabeth's office after Carson had kicked them out of the infirmary because he had run out of room. Elizabeth had been miserable. John and Rodney were simply pathetic. Teyla was fairly calm about the whole things. Ronan would've been intimidating if he could stop coughing and sneezing.

97. Be careful of relationships between spouses and significant others.

That was sent specifically at Captain Dyson. Her husband, despite being a brilliant negotiator, was pissing off the rest of A-6, Anne included.

98. There will be no comparing A-1 to SG-1.

A. They both are very good teams.

B. Especially the old SG-1.

C. And A-1.

The entire base was at it again. They had nothing better to do. Elizabeth could only laugh.

99. Please direct any queries about the Athosians to Teyla.

Elizabeth was now completely pissed at the base. The soldiers had gone directly to the Athosians about being baby-sitters. Then again, Teyla was mad at the Marine Brigade for being so evil and their desire to corrupt even more people.

100. Talent nights are not to be laughed at.

A. It is recommended that you attend.

B. Though participation is optional.

It had been a good idea to have monthly talent nights. The personnel got a chance to relax and party while the brave souls among them got a chance to entertain themselves and the rest of them. Surprisingly, it had become quite popular.

101. Revenge is best served never.

Long story short, John getting drunk on talent night, pictures, and Rodney with his laptop. John was about ready to string up the scientist after the pictures of the colonel singing 'Barbie Girl' wearing a neon pink onesie (no one knew where that one came from) appeared on every computer.

102. Silly String is prohibited to the base.

Apparently, a couple of soldiers had bribed the Daedalus to bring silly string, so that they could take it off-world. When a new religion worshipping the magic string shooters popped up, Elizabeth'd had a stern talking with those responsible. John sulked.

103. Puppets are hereby banned from the Pegasus Galaxy.

A. They're too corruptive.

It was true. The soldiers had been the worst offenders. Ever since they had used puppets to "explain" things to the natives of P99-443, no one really wanted to go back.

104. Do not volunteer yourself or any member of your team for anything off-world.

A. Chances are, it's some kind of a religious ceremony.

B. They're hard to get out of.

C. Priests always like volunteers.

A-13 again. They were either the stupidest team on base. Or the most unlucky. Or both. They were either loved or hated, depending on the world.

Elizabeth sighed as part 3 of the Idiot's Guide was posted. Her children were pretty dumb and occasionally very wimpy, depending on whether they were scientists or soldiers. One thing for sure, she was never bored.

_Now go press that nice, happy, shiny button that says review, and I'll give you bonus points. And a new chapter will be added soon. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Nope. I got nothing. I'm a poor college student. Even if I did have the chance to own it, I can't really afford it._

_Author's Note: Working on new parts to add. I'll put up more when I can. Thank you for all the reviews so far. They make me happy. Keep putting them up! Also, any suggestions and ideas are always welcomed. I'll be sure to credit you. _

Chapter 4 – part 4

Still amused by the antics of the base, Elizabeth began the next part of the Idiot's Guide. She knew that the rest of the base was entertained as much as she was. It was no secret that she was the one responsible for the Guide. Every now and again, she would get ideas from them.

105. Fear the Vikings!

Apparently, the prank war between the pirates and the ninjas had gotten way out of hand. Now there was a super branch of Vikings. No one knew who the members of the Vikings were, because they have secret identities.

106. Any political arguments are not for public display.

A. Keep them off the PA system.

B. Not everyone agrees with you.

When a few scientists had "accidentally" had a political debate over the PA, it had been a very near disaster. The prolonged yelling that had ensued had upset Clifford, who promptly went into hiding in Elizabeth's shower. She was not happy at all.

107. Clifford, like Atlantis, has some degree of empathy.

A. Also, he hates it when people yell at each other. It upsets him horribly.

Clifford wouldn't come out of the shower until Elizabeth got there. She had to forcibly drag him out before giving him some TLC. This only made her worry about him even more.

108. Ice cream is a special treat for those who deserve it.

A. As is jello.

B. Clifford likes both.

Atlantis had serious payback due to Clifford. Now, no one really wanted to yell around him. Also, whenever Elizabeth brought Clifford in for meals, the ice cream and jello were never touched until after they left, as a way to sate Clifford's frazzled nerves. The gesture was greatly appreciated.

109. Rescue missions should always be well planned.

That was big, fat duh! Ronan and a few soldiers hadn't quite grasped that concept.

110. Remedial boot camp will be required for those who need it the most.

A. The Marine Brigade will let you know.

John had pointed our that if you did something stupid, you'd have to pay the consequences. Then again, this was only after he had gotten his team in trouble for doing something stupid. Teyla had to be the one who got them out of that particular situation.

111. You are not matchmakers.

The base personnel had been trying to get several of the base's most obvious should-be-datings together. When it hadn't worked out as planned, the blame fell squarely on Carson and Laura, who were themselves dating.

112. "Well, funny story about that" is not something that Dr. Weir or the SGC wants to hear.

All the teams were bad. A-2 and A-13 were the most notorious.

113. Keep all hands, feet and other objects in the Jumpers at all times.

A. We stress this.

B. Do we have to put a recording in?

A-19 had done something stupid off-world to impress the natives. They came home with several broken bones and other assorted injuries. Carson wasn't too pleased.

114. Clifford is NOT a baby!

A. He is a big and scary alien wolf-dog.

Apparently, a few newbies thought Rule 107 meant that Clifford was a small, cuddly, sweet dog. They were scared out of their minds when Elizabeth came walking by, Clifford close at her heels.

115. Weaponry usage and handling training is mandatory of all newbie civilians.

Firing a gun, at least somewhat decently, was very important in this galaxy. No one knew when they were going to meet up with the Wraith or any other of their enemies. The Marine Brigade had made it mandatory of all new civilians to know how to fire a gun, as all newbie soldiers had been trained prior to leaving Earth. The rest of the base whole-heartedly agreed with the Marine Brigade. Knowing how to fire a gun was very important; it would save your life on more than one occasion . . . at least in their part of the universe, it would.

116. Make no reference to Colonel Carter around Dr. McKay.

That was clear, especially to all those who made that mistake. There was still some unresolved tension between the two.

117. Shower regularly and, if necessary, multiple times in one day.

A. Some missions make you very messy.

B. You should enjoy taking showers and being clean.

They should really know better by now. Showering made for looking more presentable. Looking more presentable meant that people tended to like you better, which meant that there was a very good chance they could be allies.

118. Dr. McKay is not to be argued with or talked to in civilized conversation until after he's had his second cup of coffee.

Well, duh! The Canadian was never to be messed with before coffee. Anyone who tried would be verbally injured. Miko was usually the one who had the non-Rodney claimed coffee machine. She was popular when McKay was between cups one and two and always after cup six.

119. If you must talk to Dr. McKay before he's had his coffee, it's usually best to talk to Dr. Zalenka or Dr. Yasaguma first.

A. They'll talk to him.

B. They've been here from the beginning.

Radek and Miko were the only ones with whom Rodney would talk to when he went on his crazy sprees. John couldn't understand technonbabble, so he claimed, and Elizabeth didn't want Clifford or Ronan to get any ideas.

120. Accents are not to be made fun of.

Honestly, newbies were the worst. They always seemed to take great pleasure in tormenting those with accents. No one was surprised when the older scientists and soldiers had retaliated. The offenders deserved exactly what they got.

121. Do not call Dr. Beckett 'the Highlander.'

A. Or any like name.

This time, not the newbies. It was the medical staff who had been calling him such names behind his back. He heard and wasn't pleased.

122. Duct tape is to be used primarily for scientific experiments and city repairs.

A. The scientists get first dibbs.

The soldiers had gotten upset and had hoarded all the duct tape. The scientists retaliated. Elizabeth got mad when they had ended up having a big fight.

123. Pack appropriate weather gear.

A few teams had decided to go camping on the mainland. It started to rain. They had to run back to the Jumpers under their sleeping bags and had to hunker down there for the night. Carson wasn't happy when they had come back sick.

124. Team poker nights are not to get out of hand.

A. It will cause grudges amongst teams.

B. Grudges are never good.

A-10. That was all that was needed to be said. They had been on a non-speaking arrangements after their last team poker night. They ended up getting run off the planet and injured. Dr. Heightmeyer had some more customers.

125. If you want something done, just do it yourself.

That was very reasonable . . . especially in this galaxy.

126. Making mummies is not an appropriate use of your free time.

A. Even if scares people.

B. Or it's funny to watch the reactions.

The soldiers had gotten the idea. They had managed to bribe the Daedalus. Then they had created two life-sized, life-like mummies using dummies and cloth. They left one in the infirmary and one in Rodney's lab. They had taped the reactions.

127. Making comments about natives is never a good idea.

A. They will get offended.

B. Don't piss off the priests.

A-11 had made some snarky comments at a few natives. Turns out one was a priest. He rallied a mob. A-11 got run off the planet.

128. Don't mess with the Wall.

The Wall had been thought up a while back. It had pictures from the very beginning of planets, people and events. It was actually a good way of preserving their memories. Now it was spread out over an entire wall of one spare rec room and was still growing. Everyone kept on adding to it after every event: big, little, funny, boring or illegal. Actually, it was pretty cool just to go and look at it and see the tings that had happened to it over the years. It was a definite tourist spot.

129. Paper cuts are not "serious injuries."

A. Just use band-aids.

The soldiers who could stare down any Wraith and force their way though just about any injury, fell to pieces and tears whenever they got a paper cut. Carson had made a point by stocking every soldier with an on-base medical kit chock full of different sizes of band-aids and other supplies of the like.

130. SG-1 are visitors

A. They're just nicer ones.

B. So make sure you don't kill them.

C. They are on loan to us.

SG-1 had just visited them. The Wraith had attacked. A-1 had barely stopped them from getting culled. Now Clifford scared Mitchell, Daniel and Vala and \had made friends with Sam and Teal'c. This, unfortunately, to the next rule.

131. Dr. Weir, Colonel Carter, Ronan, Teal'c and Clifford do _not_ make the perfect team.

Okay, John had started that one. He had pointed out how, even though he wouldn't actually listen to Sam or Teal'c, Clifford did like them and had refrained from playing with them like he had with Cam, Daniel and Vala.

132. The Medical Staff highly recommends that every member of this expedition get at least eight hours of sleep a night.

After yet another near-death experience, the entire base was dragging it's collective feet. Carson had made it very clear that everyone needed more sleep. No one really argued that fact.

133. The Marine Brigade is not to be questioned.

A. Especially in all matters relaing to tactics, stealth, training and boot camp.

It seemed that a new crop of new recruits had arrived via the Daedalus. Some were fresh-faced soldiers. They had argued with the Marine Brigade. They had paid an early visit to the infirmary, thus setting a new record of the shortest time between newbie arrival and first serious injury: 23 hours.

134. All references to 'Finding Nemo' are not to be made around the marine biologists.

A. Or visitors.

J B. ust don't reference anything turtle-like to anyone who would find it upsetting or confusing.

The marine biologists had taken to hanging out at the East Pier. They started feeding a large sea-turtle creature. Now Atlantis was greatly loved by a band of these creatures. The "EAC," or the "East Atlantean Creatures," now had taken to hanging around the East Pier. Favorites included Crush, Nemo, Squirt and Nigel. The marine biologists had to deal with the cracks that everyone else had taken to making at them. And visitors just didn't understand.

135. Cake is to be eaten, not thrown.

It had been homemade chocolate cake day in the mess too. But a few newbies had made a crack or two about some of the older people. That didn't set so well with everyone else. Basically, it had turned into a full-scale food fight . . . a cake-fight really. Elizabeth had taken into account how the older soldiers might have been offended so she made the newbies clean up the kitchen.

136. The SGC would like to remind Atlantis that, while you are in another galaxy, you are still under Earth's jurisdiction.

A. So you can't seal yourself off and demand that you be seen as your own country.

Okay, Elizabeth'd had a weak moment. Rodney had been going off about Earth and the delays between communications (Earth to Atlantis). She had to admit that he had a point. As a joke, she had sent back a report that they were now the self-governing country of Atlantis, just to see what they would say. No one thought it was funny . . . well, except for Jack . . . but he was special.

137. Woolsey is not to be left alone around Clifford.

A. Ever.

B. You know how scared the man is of him.

Well, after the whole separate country thing, Earth had sent Richard Woolsey to survey the mental capacity of Elizabeth as the leader of the Atlantis Expedition. He just so happened to catch Elizabeth during her morning run . . . with Clifford in tow. Clifford decided that there was something about Woolsey that he just didn't like, so it have become the wolf-dog's main goal to torment the man, which was never pretty. Atlantis had made it very hard to him to escape Clifford. Now, Woolsey was Elizabeth's number one fan.

138. Wash your clothing regularly.

Elizabeth had put up that rule at the insistence of A-1. She didn't even bother to ask why. Sometimes, things were better left unsaid.

139. Clubs are to be non-violent.

A. And share spaces.

B. And names.

C. You know who you are.

The Video Game Club and the Game Club had had an all-out war over the use of one of the rec rooms, and their names as well. It hadn't ended very pretty.

140. No remote controlled car races are to be held in public hallways and places.

A. Please!

Oh yeah, the Marine Brigade had bribed the crew of the Marine Brigade to bring remote controlled cars to Atlantis. They got bored very quickly and started racing them. All in all, people got hurt. It was never pretty. Carson was mad.

Elizabeth merely sighed as she posted the last rule in Part 4 up on the base message board. Boy had they had an interesting few weeks.

She glanced up at Woolsey, who was sitting across from her, in her office. It seemed that he had made some new analysis about Atlantis that she really didn't want to hear or probably already knew. Her office door opened and Ronan stuck his head in, a slightly sheepish expression on his face.

"Dr. Weir, Clifford won't leave the balcony. Could you possible get him to move before he scares someone or someone gets eaten?" he asked. She could tell that he was about ready to start laughing.

She smiled at him. "Of course, Ronan." She got up from her desk and happily excused herself. Woolsey didn't look all to pleased about having Clifford nearby. Elizabeth turned to him. "It's late, Mr. Woolsey, why don't we continue this in the morning."

He nodded vigorously and left, all to happy to get out of there. She and Ronan looked at each other and burst out laughing. Clifford had save the day!

_Note: Now press that nice, shiny button that says review. You'll make my day and you'll inspire me to post another chapter real soon. )_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: Nope. Still got nothing. What'd you expect? I own absolutely nothing and am making zero profit from posting this. I just like to play with these people and invent crazy scenarios._

_Author's Note: If you haven't realized it yet, A-6, A-10 and A-13 are kind of my little insane children. Along with A-1, they get into heaps of trouble and have plenty of fun little adventures. If you want to play with them too, ask first please. He he. I have fun with them. Again, if you think that there are any scenarios that you might like to see, let me know. Starting with Chapter 7, I'll be putting in suggestions with appropriate acknowledgements. So let me know. _

_I am also appreciative of the reviews so far. Keep 'em coming! And wow, over 1000 hits on this. Many thanks from the humble author. _

Chapter 5 – part 5

It wasn't very long before something happened on Atlantis that inspired another rule. Elizabeth still couldn't believe the fact that they kept doing idiotic things, but this was another galaxy, so she couldn't expect them to be safe and smart one hundred percent of the time.

141. Science experiments are to be kept in the labs.

The scientists decided that they wanted to try their hand at cooking. It didn't turn out so well. Fortunately, they kitchen staff had intervened before it had become a complete mess. Now they their science experiment nights for dinner every now and then.

142. All previous mission reports relating to anything important are required reading.

A. Don't skim them. Read them carefully.

B. Or cheat on them.

It had become very silly that mistakes were being continually made. The soldiers had just learned that. Elizabeth was all too happy to make mission reports required reading.

143. Legally Blonde is not a way of life.

Elizabeth didn't want to know why A-4 was quoting 'Legally Blonde.' They were an all-male team. No one wanted to know really, but the team had just come back from leave on Earth, which could pretty much explain everything. Now there were very popular with all the ladies who had seen the movie.

144. Use your inside voices, please.

A. Especially in caves.

Elizabeth thought that was pretty much self-explanatory.

145. If at first you don't succeed, get help.

A. By help, we mean anyone who can be of aid.

B. Even if it means getting help from natives.

The teams were starting to believe that if they couldn't do it, no one could when, in fact, there would be people who knew what to do, even locals.

146. Do not blare Christmas music loudly.

A. Especially not before the day after Thanksgiving.

The scientists had really jumped the gun on Christmas music. Needless to say, no one was happy when the music had first appeared many weeks before Thanksgiving. It was not socially acceptable to play Christmas music until AFTER Thanksgiving. At least that's what Elizabeth had thought. Rodney had tried to sway her otherwise.

It didn't work.

147. In regards to Christmas songs, don't sing them loudly either.

A. You will pretty much sound off-key.

B. Clifford will hurt you.

The Marine Brigade was seemingly at it again. Whoever said anything about singing loudly and Christmas cheer obviously never had to deal with a large group of Marines in a totally different galaxy. Elizabeth would be more than willing to give them a piece of her mind.

148. Please remember to never remind Caldwell about the "snake incident."

People forgot that Caldwell could get really mad. The fallout wasn't pretty.

149. This is for all personnel who are football fans: Turkey Bowls are not your guidelines.

A. Yes, we know you like it.

B. Please refrain from any of the cheers as well.

Elizabeth was just as bad as the other personnel. Whether it was professional, college or high school football teams, Thanksgiving Day football games are certainly interesting. For her, it was a high school rivalry between two schools in her hometown.

150. Clifford likes turkey. Don't mess with the leftovers.

After Thanksgiving, someone had attempted to carve a leftover turkey. Clifford had wanted it. John had decided that getting stitches in his leg wasn't worth a turkey sandwich.

151. Don't hit on Teyla.

A. She's taken.

A relatively new newbie had tried to hit on Teyla. John didn't take it so well. Said newbie was now avoiding both at all costs.

152. In amendment to Rule 74, The List of Annoying Songs is now The List of Songs to Sing When Being Held Hostage And/or Tortured.

The annoying songs had proved very useful in the release of A-7. NO Elizabeth allowed them to sing those songs whenever teams were captured.

153. 'Don't Worry. Be Happy' by Jimi Hendrix is NOT our philosophy.

A. Or a potential motto for the expedition.

The Marine Brigade really did have too much time on their hands. Then again, the scientists had caught on real quick. So every time something went wrong around base, that song crept up. Elizabeth couldn't really see anything wrong with letting them sing a song. But Earth hated hearing about it.

In every mission report.

154. Keep your hands to yourself!

The Daedalus thought this was a reference to the Captain Kirk syndrome frequent among the male members of the expedition. Altantis KNEW it was really about the fact that they didn't knew what all the buttons on the base really did.

Rodney and John were both quietly keeping their hands in their pockets from now on.

155. Alien beaches are not always good places for romantic get-aways.

A. Generally a rescue by Atlantis isn't very romantic.

B. It only serves as firepower for torment.

John and Teyla had gone to another planet for their six-month anniversary. They got captured by the Genii. Ronan and Lorne had lead the rescue team. The couple was now the newest addition to the laughing stock of Atlantis.

156. Yes, there are such things as aliens.

A. That's why we're out here.

Elizabeth didn't want to know which brainiac had caused Ronan to ask for that rule. She'd be much happier staying ignorant..

157. Teasing team members about embarrassing moments is not nice.

A. Even if it's funny.

B. And they deserve it.

Rodney and John gone full-tilt against each other in an all-out war. While Teyla and Ronan found it amusing, Elizabeth had to call it quits. She couldn't have the highest ranking military officer of the base and the chief scientist annoying the heck out of each other. They kept getting into a boat load of trouble.

158. Robotic toys are to be built during down time and down time only.

So a few scientists had gotten bored. Naturally, the soldiers wanted some, which led to the following rule:

159. When playing with toys, it is not appropriate to get into full out battles between those toys.

A. Or Clifford _will_ have all of them.

The soldiers had gotten into huge battles with the toy robots. There were not all-out robot tournaments that she hated having to sort out. It only got wore when Clifford had taken a really big shine to them. The alien dog now served as an appropriate threat for the soldiers.

160. When someone says 'Duck,' for the love of all things holy, please duck.

A-6 had gated to a planet full of benevolent natives, who had been more than willing to help them navigate their way to an Ancient ruin. However the team, who every one had thought had made an amazing recovery and return to the good side of survival, found out that they thought they could navigate further without the help of the natives. Unfortunately, Lt. Adams tripped a hunting trap and he didn't believe Dr. Tyler AND their guide about ducking to avoid a swinging log.

A-6 was now on injury leave until Joshua made a full recover. Annie, Sean and Erin had the best source of taunt material for a good, LONG while.

161. It's a good idea to keep yourself physically fit.

A. The Marine Brigade knows all.

A few scientists thought they could shirk their exercise routines. They thought wrong. Now said scientists were enjoying double exercises.

162. Do not mention, in any context, any cartoon books, especially Spiderman, Superman or X-men off-world.

A. At all.

B. Ever.

Apparently A-10 still read comic books and had gotten into an argument off-world. They had scared the natives.

163. No humming of 'Yellow Submarine' around Dr. McKay.

Someone remembered the sinking Jumper incident. Rodney was having flashbacks.

164. Stop creating religions!

Elizabeth had put that one up in capital letters. Total, Atlantis had created 78 religions and counting. She didn't want to know about how many were at the hands of A-1.

165. Betting on the success of missions is to be done quietly.

A. Even if it's A-1.

B. We'll sic Clifford on you.

Okay yes, A-1 had a greater tendency to have _interesting_ missions. They knew it and more openly acknowledged it, especially when it was funny and Wall-worthy. They were just getting tired of having betting pools created every time they went off-world. However, Elizabeth would have something to say about threatening people with Clifford, which led to:

166. It is not appropriate to threaten to sic Clifford on anyone.

A. Unless they _really_deserve it.

B/ Really deserve it.

C. And only if Dr. Weir can give the order.

Elizabeth felt better. A-1 didn't.

167. Medical check-ups are required.

Elizabeth and Carson hadn't been amused when people repeatedly missed medical check-ups. Said people were now feeling the consequences of their actions. Neither John nor Rodney were sitting properly and neither wanted to talk about it. Elizabeth resolved to ask Ronan if he knew anything about it. Teyla was out of the question because she couldn't even keep a straight face if it was so much as brought up in passing.

168. Do NOT boast about being a resident of the Lost City or the City of the Ancestors.

A. It will blow our cover.

B. And may get you seriously injured.

A-15, in all their egotism, had boasted, They got run of a planet by a mob of ultra-conservative religious natives. It wasn't pretty. Now they definitely knew better than to boast.

169. Magic is not real.

A. You can't do it. (Yet again.)

A –13 _really_ like Harry Potter apparently. Or they just liked the idea of magic. They got into major trouble on another planet and the Daedalus had to pick them up. Colonel Caldwell was highly amused when they were beamed up in the midst of a magic show-like trial thing. Now they had an entire civilization believing that magic really did exist. Earth was going to _love _hearing about this one.

170. Do not hit on priestesses or native women.

A. They may take you up on certain propositions.

Lt. Samuels of A-7 had new reason to blush at any reference to the phrase 'held on a short leash.' This lead to many interesting ideas as to what had happened behind closed doors. He certainly wasn't telling.

171. No running in busy hallways.

Elizabeth was honestly not surprised at how stupid some people were. The Marines had found it highly amusing to see how many people they could knock down by running in busy hallways. And they honestly weren't _that_ bored at the time.

In response to their actions, they got a miraculous hour-long yelling from Elizabeth _before_ they got lectured. All the while, Clifford was looking quite menacing.

172. Fighting over sports teams rivalries is frowned upong.

A. Even is 19 is greater than 18.

B. And Johnny Unitas played for the Baltimore Colts, not the Indianapolis Colts.

Elizabeth was to blame for that one. She had gotten angry when yet another idiotic newbie from Indy had made a comment about Johnny U being with Indy's hall of famers and Peyton Manning being one of the greatest quarterbacks of all times. The fact of the matter is, old grudges die hard. And Baltimore was still pretty sensitive about the issue of the Colts.

Elizabeth shook her head as Super Bowl Sunday approached, knowing bad things would happen.

_Now go press that shiny button that says review and make one stressed out person's day a whole lot better!_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – Part 6

_Author's Note: This is a Sheyla fic, if you haven't realized that yet. I'm kind of a semi-big fan of that. However, don't let the fact that there is a Sheyla relationship keep you from reading. I like hearing your comments. Again, starting with Chapter 7, I will be putting in any suggestions that people have with proper acknowledgement on my part._

_**Charlie Blue**__: Sorry for the "gut stabs." I'll try to keep them to a minimum. _

_**Sparklyshimmer2010**__: Yeah, I know it was kind of sudden and a bit odd. But, like I said, I'm a Sheyla fan._

_**Rac80**__: Yeah, I'm from Maryland and a Baltimore Ravens fan. So I like to make a cracks about Indy whenever possible. And sorry about the spelling. I'm Irish, what can I say?_

As Super Bowl Sunday came many of the soldiers, and a few scientists, were quite antsy for the Daedalus' next arrival. They'd have to wait and see who won the game. But, of course, turn to some kind of stress relieving for their entertainment. However, now Elizabeth had a sinking feeling in her stomach that the Colts won.

The Super Bowl craze was having a negative effect on the expedition. This ultimately led to:

173. Fighting over the Super Bowl is strictly prohibited.

After several injuries, Carson had to force this one.

174. Trying to fly with out planes is for birds.

A. Don't build wings.

Why the scientists wanted to fly was beyond her. The soldiers, however figured it out, caught on, and were more than willing to play test dummies. John'd had an amazing lung capacity for chewing out those responsible.

It was really funny from Elizabeth's perspective. Not the soldiers and scientists though.

175. This is NOT the magical land of Middle Earth.

A. Stop telling people it is.

B. We are not the people from there either.

Elizabeth was humorously ticked off at whatever team came up with the idea. They had been very entertained by the fact that a lot of people believed that they really were from Middle-Earth. But they REALLY got into it, to the point that they were bribing the Daedalus to bring them Lord of the Rings things – books, movies, toys, you name it. She had to call it quits when a very concerned Caldwell came to her with requests of Middle Earth weaponry. 

There was no WAY was she letting Atlantis get their hands on real swords, bows or axes. 

176. Creating Elvish names for each other is hereby prohibited.

Ugh! She didn't know why they were so persistent when it came to these things. Sometimes the Atlantis expedition was a little out there.

177. Shirts are a required part of the uniform.

John had come running into a briefing. He was late. And without a shirt on. He had turned a righteous shade of beet red. Unfortunately for him, both Elizabeth and Rodney had gotten several great pictures of the entire series of antics. Including John hiding behind Teyla and eventually stealing her jacket in order to wear it and run back to his quarters to get a real shirt.

However, it had started a rather interesting trend among the men. Elizabeth was practically at her wit's end with dealing with the situation. She had to resort to having Clifford walk around looking threatening while the Secret Six had spearheaded the campaign to exact revenge on the men and get them to stop that trend. Now none of the men could quite look at bras in quite the same way anymore

178. Life is not a highway. 

She was not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. Frankly, Elizabeth wanted to remain blissfully ignorant of some things.

'179. It's seemed harmless' is NO excuse.

Whoever said that A-6 had wised up obviously had never seen them gating back from a planet with a three-foot parrot accompanying them. 

Now Clifford had a new friend, Polly, the Largely Overgrown Parrot, who was now A-6 sole responsibility. They were regretting the job, even if Polly became their own personal mascot. Elizabeth was quickly sympathetic to their cause. 

180. Caricatures are to be only during down time

A.Not during briefings!

B. Do we have to remind you?

Well, A-15 had been bored. Somehow, they were all mildly good sketch artists. However it got out to the base and they were forced to work semi-covertly during the dull mission briefings. Now they were back to working late nights and Polly had some nice cage liners.

181. Thumb-war championships are hereby prohibited.

Elizabeth could only groan when a very peeved Carson came stomping into her office, a sheepish John and Ronan following in his wake, bandages wrapped tightly around their hands. A headache had ensued. Neither were very happy now, but Clifford certainly was.

He got to chase them around the base without having Elizabeth stopping him.

182. All Star Wars references are to be kept to a minimum.

A. While the humor may be lost on natives, it isn't on the SGC or the United States government.

B. "In a galaxy, far, far away" isn't funny anymore. Stop!

The soldiers seriously liked the scientists way too much at this point in time. Why couldn't they pay attention during briefings?

Any and all Star Wars references were seriously annoying the SGC. Though the grapevine, Elizabeth learned that it had made quite a few flashbacks to when General O'Neill had been at the SGC. All she knew was that it had something to do with the flu and all six Star Wars movies. The man really had to find Teal'c a new hobby.

183. Blowing up toilets as a prank isn't very funny.

A. The techs aren't amused.

B. And neither am I!

Whoever got the idea to blow up toilets would literally have hell to pay by the time Elizabeth was finished with them. A-10 was quietly going about their merry way, being friendly to everyone.

184. 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' is notnominated to be our motto or theme song.

A. Nor to be our policy.

B. Or mantra.

C. At least not officially.

Somehow, A-1 had managed to get the Spamalot soundtrack brought over to Atlantis by the Daedalus. Elizabeth couldn't blame them for attaching to that particular song fairly quickly. In this galaxy, who knew how many times they would need that song? Now, if only she could get a copy of it to keep with her . . . 

185. Weapons are not toys!

She could only wonder what they had been thinking. A-12 had ended up getting run off a planet because they had been a little gun-happy. She must've broken her record for most curses used in a lecture. They were idiots, the whole lot of them!

186. Using fellow teammates as battering rams, weapons or shields is strictly prohibited under pain of Clifford.

Either they had been in some serious trouble or John and Ronan had been smoking something because, for some reason, she did not know why, the pair had decided to use Rodney as a battering-ram-like weapon. Elizabeth had sent the three of them to Carson immediately for treatment of their injuries. Rodney had been yelling a lot about some kind of abuse. Ronan and John were laughing the entire time, guilty looks on their faces in anticipation of a serious lecture.

Teyla was exasperated . . . with pictures.

Once Elizabeth had found out that they hadn't been in any serious trouble, and the guys had somehow gotten involved in a kind of tournament-thing on the planet they were on, her anger subsided mildly. But only by a little bit.

187. Monopoly tournaments are to be kept under wraps.

A. No attacking each other over game outcomes.

Elizabeth honestly did not know why people got offended by Monopoly. Well, it was funny because Ronan was really good at it. Underneath the gruff exterior, he was actually a very sensible businessman. The again, how he got the better of even Teyla was beyond her.

Well, he didn't always outwit her whenever she joined A-1's tournaments. The other three had only just begun to realize that pairing them up on couples tournaments had been a bad idea. For those events, Teyla had John, Rodney often was with Katie Brown and Carson would bring Laura Cadman, his girlfriend then fiancée then wife.

188. Visitors should never see the Awkward Game.

A. It'll disturb them.

B. We want people to like us.

C. And think we're sane.

Atlantis' new favorite ice-breaker and game involved making people do awkward and strange things. The older expedition members took great pleasure in coming up with the most awkward situations and inflicting them upon the new members of the expedition. Elizabeth had blushed so hard when John and Rodney had managed to work it so that she had to slow dance . . . with Ronan no doubt. And then give him a full-out kiss. John and Rodney had been laughing evilly and took a few pictures to go up on the Wall. 

She and Ronan had begun plotting their revenge. The colonel and the Canadian couldn't look at anyone in the eye for a very long time after they had forced the two to run around Atlantis in pink flannel robes. And matching neon pink boxers. And only that. 

189. It is not advised that you permanently dye your hair any shocking color.

A. It's okay to make it temporary.

B. But control yourselves, people. And your colors too. 

They had gotten bored. And they had bribed the Daedalus to bring them different shades of hair dye, not all of which were natural hair colors. Teyla and Rodney had come walking proudly into their last briefing with color streaks in their hair. How those two gotten together and had decided to put in streaks was the one question they were all asking. Rodney now had rather attractive black streaks and Teyla was sporting nice yellow ones.

And then they found out that they were permanent.

190. When faced with upsetting situations, trying to get your teammates to consolidated with you is acceptable.

A. As long as said situations are not fatal or dire.

B. Or are extremely physically changing.

After finding out the hair dye they used was permanent dye, Teyla and Rodney had managed to convince John, Ronan and Elizabeth to all put similar streaks in their hair. John now had green streaks, Ronan blue and Elizabeth red.

Earth wasn't going to be too pleased with them.

191. Doing things against Earth's professional appearance rules, especially those regarding the military, are not always accepted.

Yep. Earth was definitely pissed off with them about the hair dye thing.

192. Costume parties are to be kept in check.

What had possessed them to throw an all-out costume party, she would never know. It wasn't even Halloween! But, the Marine Brigade had decided that it would be fun. Then the scientists were in on it. Now she really wanted to hurt someone. Badly.

193. When sending letters home, be careful about what you write and say.

A. It's called plausible deniability, people!

They were getting a little lax with those sorts of things. Fortunately, those mistakes had been caught by the SGC. Who then proceeded to send strongly worded reprimands back to Atlantis.

194. Karma is not to be messed with.

Simply put, A-21 found that out the hard way. They were now permanently scared by any reference to lions. It had all started when their linguist had mentioned his fear of lion. He got tormented relentlessly. Then, A-21 had gated to a planet with lions, giant man-eating lions, no less. They were all attending group therapy with Heightmeyer now.

195. Pointing and laughing at natives is not appropriate.

A. You will get run off the planet.

They had figured that out a long time ago. It just hadn't seemed to sink in quite yet.

196. Daring newbies is not a good idea.

A. They will get hurt.

B. Please, they don't know any better.

A-20 had been absolutely brutal to their new teammate. Lt. Coleman had been dared to hop around on one leg on their latest mission for the entire trip to the nearest village, conveniently located about three miles and a river away. His broken-in-four-places leg had earned him an early promotion from newbie to honorary member in the 3rd. 

197. Pretty generally means bad.

A. Colorful means very bad.

B. Pretty and colorful means dangerous.

Essentially, Atlantis had a very bad problem with pretty and colorful things causing various levels of horrible problems. Needless to say, they were becoming very bad at staying peacefully on one planet. Or in one piece for that matter. 

198. Taking board games off-world is hereby prohibited. 

A. For FOREVER!

A-6. That's all that was needed to be said. The inhabitants of M2K-4381 were forever corrupted and would only accept Monopoly money.

199. Do not accept pipes off-world.

A. Except when they are peace-pipes and it is customary of the culture.

B. And sparingly, only then.

This time, A-13 was the culprit. They had accepted pipes and had ended up staggering back through the Gate, trade agreement sealed, completely high. It had taken them a good week or so before they were back into some semi-coherent shape, at which point they got severely lectured. For about two weeks after that, they were still periodically seen aimlessly wandering around the base, having successfully broken free from their keepers in the infirmary again, walking into things and giggling to themselves, while looking for their squishy and a 'magical place of wonder and joy called Candy Mountain.'

200. Any reference to 'Charlie the Unicorn' is to be kept to yourself.

After they came down off of their trip, A-13 had a penchant for quoting the 'Charlie the Unicorn' video, in the appropriate voices. No one else was amused, except for when the Marine Brigade had joined them.

But then again, they just enjoyed making Rodney want to cry.

201. Do not explain Disney characters or Disney World off-world.

A. Ever.

A-10 had struck again. Sgt. Madson had thought that the kids would like to know about Mickey Mouse. The parents weren't too happy. Now A-10 wasn't allowed back on their planet due to an unsettling fear of a giant walking, talking mouse.

202. Uniforms are required off-world.

A. With the exception of Ronan and occasionally Teyla.

A few people had decided that they should be allowed to wear whatever they wanted off-world. Earth wasn't too pleased when they heard about that. Those responsible were now pouting and point out that if they should wear uniforms, then so should Ronan. It didn't end very well. 

Approximately 200 submissions after she started, Elizabeth wasn't at all surprised at how the Idiot's Guide had grown. Or how popular it had become. Now, if only Atlantis could keep it a relative secret from Earth. 

_Wishful thinking_, she thought, as she left her office, heading in the direction of a Talent Night.

_Now go click that nice happy button that says review and make my day. I want to see lots of nice, happy reviews before I post another chapter. _


	7. Apologies! An Author's Note

The Idiot's Guide the Pegasus Galaxy

The Idiot's Guide the Pegasus Galaxy

_Apologies! – An Author's Note_

Due to the over-stressing of my brain, I accidentally left the charger for my laptop at school, which is not so closely located to where I am currently (home on Spring Break). Which means that, unfortunately, I won't be posting a new chapter until March 30th (at the earliest). You have my sincerest apologies. I'll be thinking of stuff. However, keep reviewing people, and giving me ideas! 


	8. Chapter 7

The Idiot's Guide

Chapter 7 – part 7

_Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews. They are greatly appreciated and inspire me to keep on writing and to make you guys laugh some more and to perhaps brighten dreary days. By the way, I'm going to start a forum on my author's homepage so that people can give me ideas and everything. I will acknowledge and give the necessary credit._

_**Charlie Blue**__: I sincerely hope that your gut is okay. I didn't want to cause any unnecessary injuries or trips to the hospital. Though hospital trips would be much more interesting if people like Carson were there._

_**Acknowledgement**__s: __**Bluerock 7**__ for inspiring Rule 210. Sorry, though, Rodney can't always be God and King. Though I personally think that it would be hilarious to see. And thanks for the "bacon" reference. It made me smile._

It hadn't surprised her too much that she was back in her office, only a matter of hours after she had left it, writing up a new entry to The Idiot's Guide.

203. Top Gun is fine for serenading people.

A. Just not copy-cattng.

B. How many of you are really Navy aviators?

C. Or Tom Cruise?

She had to put that one in simply to emphasize her point. A bunch of Air Force guys and Marines wouldn't want to be the Naval aviators, even if there were pilots on the expedition. And Tom Cruise was just a big no-no. However, John's comment about doing a "fly-by" in a Jumper did not go over very well with her.

But she did appreciate several of the guys pulling a very red Laura Cadman on-stage to serenade her with 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling.' And even though Carson had taken lead vocals, and had a moderately decent singing voice, the guys who backed him up had made it their goal to sing off-key. And to overact beyond belief.

204. Saran-wrapping the Jumpers is not funny.

A. You have to clean it up. I mean it.

She didn't really want to know who did it. Or why they thought it would be a good idea to bribe the Daedalus crew to bring them hundreds of boxes of saran-wrap. The next time she went into the Jumper bay, all the Jumpers were squeaky clean and there was a huge, painted sign that read "We're Sorry, Elizabeth."

205. Techno music is for '80's dance parties.

A. Not casual listening.

The soldiers had figured out how to rig the speakers to play techno music so they could have a "permanent '80's dance party," as John had bashfully said. It wasn't pretty when the scientists had rigged all of their showers to dye them blue.

206. The Marine Brigade is also known as 'Elizabeth's Smurfs.'

She had jokingly called the soldiers her Smurfs when they were still semi-blue a week later. The Marine Brigade took to it. They were now calling her 'Mama Smurf' as a sign of love and respect.

207. The Smurf Marine Brigade would like to remind Atlantis that certain nicknames should not ever be taken off-world.

A. Like Smurfs.

Although they had gotten rid of the blue skin color, they still occasionally referred to each other as Smurfs. Even off-world. The scientists had picked up on it as well. Now, at least three other planets were worshipping some variation of the Wonderful Smurf Brigade and their Smurfy Leader, Her High Smurfiness, Mama Elizabeth Smurf.

208. Sumo suits. Bad idea.

For some reason, John and Major Lorne had gotten together and decided that it would be a good idea if Atlantis had some giant, blow-up sumo suits to help get rid of excess energy on base. One might think that it would be a good idea. How wrong it was. After the ninth and tenth people, a soldier and a scientist, surprisingly enough, had sheepishly come walking into the infirmary sporting broken bones and bruises, Carson had called it quits.

Pity too. Ever since Ronan and John had been tackled by Clifford whilst playing with the sumo suits, the sport had evolved into all out wrestling.

209. Would the "Ladies' Club" please keep yourselves from being too seriously injured.

A. We get enough of it from the men.

B. And please stay away from balconies. They're only recipe for disaster. You know what I mean.

The women had found out that Miko had several black belts. Then, they discovered that Laura was fairly proficient at several different styles of boxing and similar fighting styles. Combine that with the fact that Teyla could easily whip pretty much anyone on base, the women had formed a special "self-defense" class styled especially for them, calling it the "Ladies' Fighting and Defense Club," or just simply the "Ladies' Club" for secrecy. The men couldn't figure out how the heck their female counterparts were suddenly better at fighting.

210. No, Rodney is not God and King of all.

A. Nor should every single word he says be obeyed to the letter.

B. Though he does save our bacon a lot.

A few new scientists had taken quite a liking to Rodney. The ego trip really got to his head. No one else was really happy about it.

211. Lice pranks are strictly prohibited.

A. STOP IT!

The soldiers had found out how they could make it look like they had lice. Carson and the rest of the medical staff freaked out. Atlantis went on a lock-down. A week later, Elizabeth was out for blood, accompanied by Clifford, who hadn't been too happy about being practically shaved. Said soldiers weren't very amused anymore.

212. You are not Power Rangers.

A. Stop pretending you are.

B. The natives will just get confused.

C. Again.

A-13 had discovered their long buried passion for the Power Rangers during the Atlantis lice lockdown. Once the Daedalus had made contact with them, they had managed to bribe the crew to bring them Power Ranger videos and toys. Then they discovered the Japanese version of Power Rangers. And Atlantis was doomed after that. They had come running back from their next mission under fire and with huge grins slapped across their faces.

Only later did Elizabeth come to find out that they had bought, found or made legitimate Power Rangers morphers, spanning several different seasons and teams, apparently, and had decided to take them off-world. They then freaked out the natives by saying that they were actually Power Rangers. They weren't allowed back. Ever again.

213. Nor more Pirates of the Caribbean jokes.

A. Or pirate jokes, in general.

B. We're sick of it.

C. Don't make us let Polly loose on you.

D. And Clifford too.

A-10 had seen decided to watch all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies on a movie night. The first thing they saw in the morning was Anne Dyson walking to breakfast with Polly flying next to her. The jokes started and didn't really stop. A-6 was collectively ready to kill them, and the rest of the base once they had all caught on. Elizabeth had freely offered the services of Clifford, whose fur was only just starting to grow back and was looking for some vengeance.

214. No licking natives.

Where had their sanity gone? A-3 had started a whole new tradition of M9R-443 that was involved licking people as a greeting. Elizabeth wanted to say that Dr. Leonard and Lt. Gunn had started it over a debate, but she couldn't quite be sure. Then again, stranger things had happened.

215. Guy Fawkes masks are not a part of the uniform.

A few of the soldiers had decided to have movie night that was open to everyone. The movie of choice happened to be V for Vendetta. Sometimes over the next few days, Guy Fawkes masks had appeared. Luckily, she had been able to nip that one in the bud before it got off-world and scared or confused natives.

216. You are not allowed to make other people write your mission reports.

Rodney, John and a few of the soldiers had decided that they didn't want to write their mission reports, that they had better things to do. Elizabeth wasn't happy.

217. Daylight Savings Time does not apply to the Pegasus Galaxy.

A. There's no need to re-set your clocks.

B. And no practical jokes regarding them.

It was a little insane. John had led the mini-rebellion that had reset all the clocks in Atlantis for "Daylight Savings Time." Which meant that they messed the rest of the base up. And then laughed at the way the rest of the base ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.

And then the base found out about their little prank. The mini-rebellion quietly went into hiding to prevent the rest of the base from hurting them.

218. The Ultimate Answer is not always 42.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe had made a surprising impression on the base. Suddenly, the favorite answer to any question was 42.

219. Hands to yourself.

They were all three-year-olds, the whole lot of them. Yet, somehow, she didn't want to know where this one came from. Something about snacks, movie nights and A-19.

220. Mother Nature is not to be questioned.

A. She is all-powerful.

B. And will not listen to you.

A-13 had inadvertently caused a hurricane on the planet that they 'gated to. They made a few cracks about Mother Nature not liking them. It became a running joke. And then they raised the question as to WHY it seemed that that Mother Nature was not on their side. They 'gated back to the same planet. Another hurricane happened.

221. ATA gene carriers are not mutants.

A. And we are not the Xavier Institute.

A few nerds had made some jokes. The soldiers had caught on to that. Within a week, they were all jokingly calling Atlantis the 'Xavier Institute.' At which point, Elizabeth didn't even try to contain that. Surprisingly, it hadn't got back to Earth yet. Which made her think that Jack had intervened and made amends to allow the expedition members to call the base the Institute. So far, there were no mentions of her being called Professor Xavier, or any other X-Men characters. She was grateful.

222. The West Pier Ice Skating Rink is free.

A. Technically, we do not have an ice skating rink.

B. It's just a "science experiment."

A-17 had gotten the brilliant idea that Atlantis needed an ice skating rink. Dr. Maya Thorn had convinced Atlantis to flood the floor of one of the extra rooms and then freeze it to make it an actual, honest-to-God ice skating rink. Then A-17 had tried to charge people to use the rink. No one else was happy. Now everyone could ice skate there for free, providing that they did have their own ice skates.

223. Ice skating is to be done during your free time

A few of the soldiers had decided to skip a briefing to go ice-skating. Elizabeth tracked them down and revoked their ice-skating privileges for a week. Major Lorne wasn't very happy with her.

224. We do not have Pajama Days.

The SG-C intervened. Atlantis groaned. Alarm clocks were set earlier to allow people time to actually properly get dressed in the morning.

225. Time travel is possible.

A. Though not advised to be done on a regular basis.

B. It screws up the rest of us.

C. And paperwork is never fun.

Within a space of about a week, A-1, A-10, A-15 and A-19 had all been involved in incidents where some or all of their respected teams had time traveled in some way shape or form. A few scientists were impressed about the fact that it had been possible for people to time travel. Elizabeth was impressed with the fact that the timelines of the planets they had been on hadn't been radically changed. Everyone else was just impressed by the fact that they had time traveled at all.

226. You can not build your own TARDIS.

A. We are not in a television show!

The scientists had gotten together and had tried to build the Atlantis version of a TARDIS from Doctor Who. It hadn't gone well. Though the expedition had found itself a new show that it unanimously agreed upon.

227. Do NOT tell natives about the Easter Bunny.

Some of the teams had gotten really excited about Easter, and had carried that enthusiasm over to their missions. Now a number of worlds either feared or worshipped the "Giant Rodent Sweet Giver."

228. If you put Peeps in the microwave, be prepared to clean up the mess.

A. And yes, Peeps will expand and possibly explode when microwaves.

Easter care packages had included Peep Marshmallows. A few bored people had decided it would be fun to see exactly how big the Peeps could get when they were put into microwaves. It soon caught on and people were constantly asking family and bribing the Daedalus to send leftover Peeps to Atlantis. After about ten impressive Peep explosions, Elizabeth wanted to caution people about the consequences for their actions. Not that she frowned upon them entertaining themselves that way. She had done it a fair number of times herself in her youth.

229. Transporters do not need elevator music.

The soldiers had thought so. And they had rigged the transporters to play elevator music on a continuous loop. The scientists had quickly dismantled them and redirected the annoying music to the offending parties' rooms. The soldiers definitely knew better now.

230. By order of Dr. Beckkett, the Bungee-Jumping Club is hereby disbanded.

It had started with a crazy idea and ended with a group of about twenty people, including John, all of A-13, three team leaders and Rodney, had come walking into the infirmary sporting very creative injuries. Carson almost went medieval on them when he was patching them up.

231. No giant pizzas are allowed.

A few soldiers decided that it would be a good idea if the kitchen staff made giant pizzas. Two ovens exploded. Elizabeth had to call it quits. There was plenty of pizza now to last them a few weeks. Most people were getting sick of the overflow of pizza by now. Clifford wasn't. The wolf-dog was happily munching away at several pieces of pizza at every meal.

Putting the last rule up, Elizabeth grabbed the pizza slice she had on her desk and bit in. Luckily for her, she wasn't one of those people who were sick of pizza yet either.

_Now go and press that nice, shiny button that says 'Review.' You want me to put up more, give me love. Remember the forum!_


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – part 8

_Hey guys, keep up the reviews. I like them so far. They make me happy. Oh, by the way, Sciencefictionsquirrel I really like your ideas. They'll show up starting next chapter._

_Sorry this chapter is kind of short, though. I'll try to be better._

Two days after the last rule was posted, Earth FINALLY found out about The Idiot's Guide. Jack started laughing and paid her a personal visit to complement on her successful work. He had said that the SG-C needed something like that to keep them in line. Or just SG-1. She couldn't be sure.

232. Simpsons marathons are to be scheduled around missions and briefings.

After Jack's visit to Atlantis, a few soldiers had decided to hold a 24-hour Simpsons marathon, culminating in a viewing of the Simpsons Movie. It hadn't gone too well when half the people present had off-world missions the next day. Elizabeth had to scrub all of the missions that had been scheduled in order for them to get some sleep before she had the chance to lecture them for three hours straight.

233. Dr. Weir would like to remind the Fencing Team that they are a recreational group.

A. You can not challenge people to fencing matches.

B. Especially when they don't know how to fence.

Fencing had become a recent fad of the expedition. While she and Carson didn't like when people periodically walked into the infirmary sporting injuries, she thought that it was actually beneficial for them to know how to fence should the situation arise off-world where they needed to know how to fence. Then again, Carson had been one of the founding fathers of the Fencing Club, so she couldn't complain TOO much.

234. Would A-6 please remember to get the Dadalus to bring appropriate supplies for Polly.

Sean Tyler had forgotten to tell the Daedalus crew the supplies they needed to replenish for the Overgrown Parrot. Then they ran out of cage liner and had to resort to natural products from the mainland. The rest of the base wasn't too happy when Polly took to flying around the base when she didn't like her liner.

235. Constant poking is not allowed.

Some people got really bored. Then there were some strange bruises that showed up seemingly out of nowhere. No one wanted to admit to being poked to death.

236. The Book Club is open to everyone.

A. And accepts different points of view.

B. Just not dumb questions from people who have never read the books or even heard of them .

Atlantis had a Book Club that met once a week to discuss books read. A number of single guys had decided to tag along to pick of single girls at meetings. Some people brought fresh and new ideas to the table. Others just made idiotic comments about the books and the authors. Lines were drawn and the girls were taking it out on the idiots. The Ladies' Club lessons were really paying off now.

237. Throwing Shakespearean insults at offending parties is allowed.

A. It's better than insulting people in other languages or using curses.

B. Just keep it restricted to Atlantis.

C. Natives might take greater offence from them.

A few members of the Book Club were really big Shakespeare buffs. They started teaching others how to create their own Shakespearean insults. The results were actually quite interesting.

238. Keep your weapons clean.

The soldiers honestly should have been doing their jobs better. Unfortunately, A-13 hadn't. They ran into trouble off-world and had to use their weapons against the Wraith. Said weapons proceeded to jam up, causing them to literally run for their lives. It wasn't pretty when they came stumbling back through the 'gate.

239. Giant toasters. No. Just no.

It was the kitchen staff this time. They were normally completely sane. Except when they decided to team up with the scientist to create giant toasters that could literally toast four dozen pieces of bread at the same time. The giant toasters somehow gained a level of sentience and began attacking the base from the inside. Clifford, Polly and the soldiers had a jolly good time taking those out by any and all means necessary.

240. Loud explosions on snowy mountains tend to cause avalanches.

A. Be smart.

B. And keep the pyromaniacs away from anything that explodes.

C. You know what happens.

A-6, or rather Joshua Adams of A-6, had set off a nice long string of explosions, started by a random grenade. Elizabeth had been sure that Annie had taken away any thing that the pyro could cause problems with. She would have a stern talking-to with the team about Joshua and explosions. And put Polly on high alert.

241. Earth comedy sketches and routines are best left on the base.

A. Natives won't get it.

Comedy uplifted Atlantis and tormented the Pegasus Galaxy. Whoever thought that Comedy Central could be used to corrupt eighteen different worlds from millions of light-years away?

242. You don't always have to accept living creatures as presents.

A. Especially if they're mythical creatures.

B. Just say it's against your religion or something.

C. Unless there is not possible way of getting out of it.

They found a planet that had real, live, honest-to-God mythical creatures. And a few followed them home and got attached to certain people and teams. Now Atlantis was home to three dragons, two phoenixes and a griffin, all of which were the unofficial mascots of their respected teams and people. A-10 had adopted the four-foot high sphinx and named her Cleopatra. A-13 and A-1 were the proud parents of the three-foot-tall phoenixes with five-foot wingspans, named Fawkes and Albus. And the six- foot high, ten-foot-long dragons belonged to A-19, the medical staff and Ronon, who had gotten the names of Smaug, Lorn and Sapphira respectively. Earth hadn't been too happy when they found out.

Elizabeth was glad that the pressure was off of A-6 and her for having Polly and Clifford on base. But still, MYTHICAL CREATURES!

243. No drinking games off-world.

A-4 had done this one. They were bored and the natives were game to learn how to play new drinking games. A combination of the game President, tequila and a highly potent native alcohol had resulted in the team stumbling back through the gate and proceeding to throw up all over the gateroom floor. All of their stomachs had to be pumped and Carson wasn't too happy to have to deal with alcohol poison.

244. The Jumpers are not to be referred to as the "Magic School Buses."

Miko had made a passing comment. The scientists picked it up and the soldiers didn't bother to stop them. Elizabeth wasn't really going to stop them.

245. Band practices are to be done far away from living quarters.

A. And the briefing room

B. And the gate-room.

C. No disturbing people!

John had organized a band. They didn't sound good at first. Elizabeth made them move. They had to sound-proof a room to deal with the noise.

246. NO CROSS-DRESSING OFF-WORLD!

A. It'll only end up badly.

A-10 had decided it would be funny if they went off-world dressed in drag. The natives were more than a little scared and off-put when they had come waltzing by in dresses. They also thought that all people on Atlantis dressed like that. Now no one wanted to go to that world. Which meant that A-10 was the only team that got sent back to that particular planet. The team wasn't happy anymore.

247. Hiding grenades is not a good idea

A. Explosive experts, we mean you.

A-18 had pissed off the explosive experts. The explosive experts decided to hide the team's grenades when they came to pick them up. It wasn't a good day.

248. Be careful about cameras off-world.

Generally, priests thought that cameras would steal their souls, or something to that effect. After eleven teams had been consecutively run off-world by mobs of angry natives, Elizabeth figured that something had to be done about it.

249. Keep yourselves hydrated.

A few over-worked scientists had collapsed due to de-hydration. Carson was getting a little concerned about it.

250. Just because there's an android on Star Trek doesn't mean you have to build one yourselves.

The scientists had decided that they wanted to build a Data for Atlantis. However, Elizabeth nipped that one in the bud real quickly. There was no way she wanted to deal with a repeat of the toaster incident.

251. Guitar Hero marathons are to be kept under wraps.

Atlantis had really discovered a passion for Guitar Hero. It wasn't very good when they'd had all-out Guitar Hero battles.

252. Mechanically locking people out of their quarters isn't nice.

A. Nor is it funny.

B. Stop it.

C. You know who you are.

D. Remember those people who have "pets."

Rodney, John and a few others had managed to sneakily lock people out from their quarters. Ronon, A-13, Carson, A-6 and Elizabeth were quietly glad that they had friends.

253. No water balloons battles!

A. And none that have dyed contents.

The pirates and the ninjas had made a surprising comeback. Water balloon battles had become quite popular. Then they figured out how to dye the water inside the balloons so that they would explode in different colors. Elizabeth wasn't very happy. And neither was the cleaning crew.

254. Coloring books are good therapy.

Jumbo coloring books got brought to Atlantis and were periodically found around the base. Elizabeth couldn't complain. It was better for people to express themselves using the coloring books, rather than taking out aggression on each other. Kate Heightmeyer agreed with her. It kept some people out of her office.

Noting that there were as many rules posted in recent days, Elizabeth hoped – HOPED – that Atlantis was finally getting the message. Then again, she couldn't pin too much on hope. She'll see.

_Now push that shiny button that says review._


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 – Part 9

_Disclaimer: I'm not the owner. Oh, and by the way, I also don't own Facebook. Sorry guys, but no. I wish._

_Sorry it's taken me so long to put up a new chapter. The end of the semester's here and I'm pretty much swamped with a plethora of exams, projects and papers. It's almost summer though!_

_Acknowledgements: __**sciencefictionsquirrel**__ for Rules 256 to 258, 262, 263, 271 and 272, with some minor adjustments from me. Sciencefictionsquirrel, you are pretty much awesome with the rules. I swear you have the other part of my brain and sense of humor._

Yeah, she had left too much to hope, so Elizabeth shouldn't have been too surprised when something else had happened. What could a person expect when a bunch of grown people were thrown together on a planet in an entirely other galaxy and away from their homes, their family and Earth in general.

255. Try to keep the "Menagerie" quiet.

A. Do you really think we want Earth to take away them.

It had started with Clifford, and that was fine. Then they got Polly, and Earth hadn't done too much to get rid of the bird. But the SG-C had yet to hear about Cleopatra, Albus, Fawkes, Lorn, Smaug or Sapphira. Who knew what they would do when they actually found out that Atlantis was now home to six more creatures, and supposedly mythical creatures at that? Elizabeth thought it would be funny to see their faces when they saw pictures though.

256. The scientists are no longer to be given aluminum foil, sun lamps, and copper wiring.

A. It's bad for the rest of us.

Elizabeth sighed. She didn't know who had suggested rigging up a tanning booth, but half the scientists and at least a quarter of the soldiers now sported sunburns that wouldn't go away anytime soon.

257. No more new religions, people.

A. Seriously!

B. How many times to we have to tell you people?

She smiled. Joshua Adams of A-6 was now worshiped by the inhabitants of ten worlds as the Almighty Flame-carrying sun lord. Atlantis was beginning to look like a bunch of wanna-be Goa'ulds.

258. 'It followed us' is no longer an excuse to bring animals back through the gate.

Long story short, Ronon had brought back a giant spider that spun webs that blocked off corridors and could only be cut down by oxyacetylene torches. It also had a few hundred different venoms and bore the nickname 'Charlotte' from the book by E.B. White. Those habits were under control now, but Charlotte still scared the living daylights out of Stargate Command, the IOA, and half the residents of Atlantis.

Elizabeth couldn't help but feel mildly proud by the pure insanity that Atlantis had taken to causing. She was just glad the SGC STILL hadn't seen pictures of the Menagerie. Charlotte was scary enough as is.

259. Broadway. No!

A. At least not off-world.

She couldn't quite understand why, but Broadway had made an impact on Atlantis. Pretty much every team like to start singing random Broadway songs, and at the least opportune moments too. She couldn't stand having another team run off-world by angry natives.

260. Face painting is prohibited.

As if hair dye wasn't enough. At least it wasn't Rodney or Teyla this time. However, several soldiers had decided they wanted to do face painting. Then Ronan got really excited about it and it had quickly gone south from there.

261. Frozen marbles are not an appropriate way of waking people up.

The scientists had figured out that certain soldiers didn't like to be woken up by putting frozen marbles in their beds. John was silently fuming and was running on very little sleep after having frozen marbles anonymously dumped into his bed every night for two weeks. He couldn't figure out who was doing it, and no matter what he did to try and stop them, it always came back.

262. One more religion created and the team responsible will be subject to Clifford, Ronan, Teyla, Charlotte and the Menagerie.

A. At the same time.

Five new religions were created in three weeks. Two were inspired by A-6's pyro, who got his hands on a stick from a ritual fire on those worlds, two inspired by the presence of cotton candy in A-13's hands, creating the Gods of Edible Rope, and one which revolved around the Almighty Brain Being, a.k.a. Rodney.

263. Dr. Zalenka's alcohol is never to be taken off-world.

She didn't want to know why John, along with the rest of A-1, had taken half of Radek's whole stockpile of alcoholic substances offworld in the guise of camping supplies. Now they had been forced to create several stills to make the alcohol and let Zelenka show the inhabitants how to make it.

264. Greek theater is to be performed only on Atlantis.

There was an emergence of Greek theater. Elizabeth didn't know why. She was only glad that they weren't using Clifford or Polly as props. Then again, when they decided to use Jumpers, she had to call it quits.

265. We don't have "Atlantisbook."

A. Be quiet about it.

Radek and Carson had heard about Facebook and decided that they should make their own. John liked it, and Rodney couldn't stop it. Everyone was joining and were friends with each other. Elizabeth turned a blind eye to it, just as long as they didn't figure out how to hook Atlantisbook to Facebook. Then they could have some problems.

266. Singing national anthems off-key off-world is not acceptable.

There was a war of the national anthems. So far, the Canadian National Anthem was beating every other one. But the natives weren't too happy about the war. And they didn't appreciate having teams go at it when they were on missions.

267. Step dancing is not to be taught off-world.

A few people on Atlantis knew how to do Irish step dancing and Scottish Highland dancing. They decided that it would be a good idea to teach willing natives how to do said dancing styles. Elizabeth was a little unnerved when pictures made it up onto the Wall and onto Atlantisbook.

268. Leave the women's fudge alone!

A. They only have a limited amount.

B. You don't want to mess with them when they're angry.

C. Or PMS-y.

Rodney had stolen the last of Miko's fudge. During that time of the month. Miko had proceeded to chase the Canadian around the base. Fear the Secret Six plus Mascot!

269. Do not create your own "Matrix."

A. Rodney, that means you.

In response to being attacked by Miko, Rodney had created a Matrix-like virtual realty where he was in charge. Miko found out and she told Elizabeth. Elizabeth had gone down to the lab and talked to Rodney. Taking Clifford, Ronon and Sapphira with her. The virtual reality was immediately shut down forever.

270. Jumpers are not to be turned into equivalents to Mach 5.

Atlantis had found that Speed Racer was being made into a movie. A-1, A-8, A-10 and A-15 all wanted to have Jumpers be modified like Mach 5. Elizabeth didn't. Earth supported her. Jack O'Neill kept his mouth firmly shut.

271. The scientists are not to be trifled with.

A. That means you DON'T duct-tape Rodney's mouth shut.

Ronon had done that. The base war that resulted pit Rodney, John, some of the soldiers, and most of the scientists against Zelenka, Weir, most of the soldiers, Teyla, Ronon, Clifford, and Charlotte. The result hadn't been pretty. Supplies were still being hoarded.

272. Do NOT push Clifford off the end of a Pier.

A. Remember how angry he can get, people.

It was Rodney's fault. He had accidentally pushed Clifford off the end of East Pier during the "Scientist Revolution," as John had aptly named the base war. The resulting state of Rodney made Carson start bawling.

273. Be nice to Carson and the medical staff.

A. They keep us safe

B. And together.

C. Remember they have Lorn.

Rodney had started it when he had pushed Clifford off the end of the Pier. In the week after that event, almost half the base had been injured in some way, shape or form. Carson wasn't happy. Neither was the rest of the medical staff. They had ended up having Lorn stalk around the infirmary, glaring around at the people.

274. We didn't get the mythical creatures from Hogwarts.

A-1, John in particular, had instigated that one. Fawkes had accompanied them off-world. The natives had been awed by the phoenix and had clustered around him, giving the bird almost all of their attention. John wasn't too happy about that one. When they had asked where he came from, the colonel had snarkily stated Hogwarts. Elizabeth wasn't happy when the natives had asked where Hogwarts was.

275. No more Harry Potter references.

A. Remember you can't do magic.

B. A-13, STOP IT!

C. Check Rule 27!

Harry Potter had made a re-emergence. A-13 had really taken to it, and had begun to start sneaking off Roman candles again. Elizabeth had thought that she had nipped that one a long time ago.

276. The scientist's Replicators are fine.

A. Just don't advertise it.

B. Don't tell Earth and the SGC about it.

Radek and Rodney had accidentally created Replicators that were good and worked with them. Elizabeth didn't disprove of them, but she was entirely skeptical of it.

Sliding away from her desk, Elizabeth look around and saw Clifford standing by the door, giving her a total puppy-dog face. Smiling, she rose from the chair and walked around the desk, to the giant dog.

Patting him on the head, she said, "Okay, boy, let's go get some dinner." Barking, Clifford licked her face. As she opened the door, wiping her face off with the sleeve of her jacket, Elizabeth gave her pet the order to heel, and had him respond instantaneously. The dog seemed especially happy today to go to dinner. Then again, they did get to walk past Rodney's lab on the way.

_Sorry it's so short. The next one'll be longer, I promise. Now go press that nice shiny button that says "review" and make a writer happy. And don't forget, any ideas you think are good, add them to my forum (the link is on my author's page). _


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 – part 10

_Disclaimer: Nope, still got nothing. Damn._

_Acknowledgements:__** sciencefictionsquirrel**__ for Rules 278, 280, 281, 284, 287, 288, 293, 294, 295, 297, 298, 306, 307 and 308._

_Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. With the end of college, getting everything back home, a family wedding and other assorted events, I haven't gotten around to it. I'll be better. I promise. But I do appreciate the reviews, comments and ideas. Keep it up. I'd like to see lots more reviews and mroe good ideas! _

_I'll put up another chapter/part soon. I promise. _

Elizabeth wasn't too surprised when, on the very next day, she was adding new rules to the Idiot's Guide. It seemed that the expedition was doing it on purpose. Just to see how long it would take before she broke down. Unfortunately for them, she was one tough cookie to break. So with that, Atlantis now had:

277. By order of Dr. Beckett, you must now wear protective eye gear when playing ping-pong.

Ping-pong tournaments became very popular. She wasn't happy at all. There were several eye injuries.

278. You are now allowed to perform taxidermy on the corpses of your wraith kills and mount them in your rooms.

A. Just not in the main areas, save for a few wraith heads on the wall of the Mess Hall.

B. The stuffed Wraith scare newcomers.

Elizabeth sighed. Ronon had started the trend. Kavanaugh had complained, and Elizabeth was surprised that the Expedition was allowed to keep them. She guessed (correctly, as she later found out) that General O'Neill had managed to intervene. Something about him finding them cool.

279. Putting stuffed Wraith in people's rooms is not a good idea of a practical joke.

A. Especially when they clearly don't like them.

Atlantis had taken revenge on Kavanaugh for complaining. Every day for the better part of three weeks, he would wake up to find stuffed Wraith corpses standing menacingly over his bed. He wasn't happy and was seeing Dr. Heightmeyer on a regular basis.

280. The Daedalus is NOT allowed to be taken out for joyrides.

A. Neither is the Apollo.

B. Next time, I won't be able to get General O'Neill to let it slide due to the joyriders being drunk.

C. It'll probably end up qualifying as a capital offense.

D. Which means imprisonment. At the very least.

She didn't want to know why they did it. Or why they had to drink every drop of moonshine that Zelenka had made in the first place. Or why both of the ships were nearly out of ammunition and there were two cargoholds fully of trophy Wraith carcasses that Ronon was working of stuffing when they got back. Or how they managed to get their hands on several Wraith Darts. It scared her to the point of making them plead the fifth. The cause of the joyriding, however, which was inebriation, warranted the next rule.

281. Zelenka's moonshine is now locked in a storage room when not in use.

A. You have to request it now.

B. You and ten other people.

C. And I'll decide how much get to be taken out of storage.

D. Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard each have one of the two codes needed to open the storage room.

E. That means you need to run the request by both of us.

She did NOT want the SG-C breathing down her neck because of inebriated Expedition members doing incredibly stupid things. Besides, as much fun as it was to see how her superiors reacted when they learned that the drunken idiots had gotten several Darts, she hated the hassle.

282. You are not allowed to race the Jumpers and the Darts.

People got bored after they couldn't get their hand on Zalenka's moonshine. That led to racing. Carson wasn't too happy and neither was John. Elizabeth, on the other hand, secretly enjoyed racing. She just had to find a good co-pilot.

283. Do not complain about the distribution of supplies.

A. Everyone gets equal amounts.

The Daedalus brought limited supplies. No one was happy. There was a riot that she had just barely managed to put a stop to. The scientist were the biggest babies of them all. The soldiers knew better than to piss of Elizabeth by now. Especially when she had Clifford to back her up. Not to mention the aid and support of Ronon and Sapphira.

284. From now on, any hoards of supplies will be found and confiscated.

A. I've trained Clifford to sniff out supplies and deal with the perpetrators.

Elizabeth just smiled to herself. The Scientist Revolution, it seemed, wasn't over. There were still some minor skirmishes and supply hoards.

285. No, you can not adopt Clifford as the Marine Brigade's mascot.

A. He's already been taken.

B. Same goes for Sapphira.

C. And Ronon.

D. And a vast majority of the rest of the Menagerie.

The Marine Brigade was gloating when the scientist had had their revolution quieted for a second time. They had found it even more entertaining that Clifford, Ronon and Sapphira all took great pleasure in hunting down and dealing with the people who hoarded supplies. Elizabeth couldn't deal with the fact that the scientists were all cowering whenever they caught sight of the Satedan, the dragon or the wolf-dog.

When they couldn't get any of those desired three, the Brigade had turned their sights on other Menagerie creatures. Owners of said creatures immediately issued base-wide statements saying their pets weren't available as mascots because they were already taken.

286. We are not Egypt!

A-10 had taken Cleopatra off world. A few natives had gotten really interested in the name. Then someone had mentioned that it was Egyptian in origin. For some reason, the natives got the idea that Atlantis was Egypt. Elizabeth was silently amused.

287. Clifford merchandise is now only to be made and distributed off world. Scientists are no longer allowed within ten feet of him.

A. The attempts to clone him to sell as 'Genuine Cliffords' are a bit too much, people.

B. Life-sized Clifford stuffed animals are okay.

C. Get rid of the cloning records and the current batch of Clifford-clones/

D. Don't kill them.

E. Sell them to natives of different worlds.

She didn't know who or why people thought that it would be a good idea to clone Clifford. She was just glad that the Daedalus hadn't taken any Clifford-clones back to Earth. Now six different worlds had their own Cliffords.

288. From now on, leave any and all strange devices alone until we know what they do.

A. They can have unforeseen effects.

Elizabeth sighed. A Wraith device had reduced A-13 to children, and boosted the amount of life-force they had to the point where their bodies made a large amount of life-force so that they slowly grew younger unless fed on or the effects were undone. The device was apparently been a 'Fountain of Youth to make Wraith food last longer,' as Rodney called it. Sheppard just called it a Fountain of Youth and requested it be shipped back to Area 51 for study and reverse-engineering.

289. A-13 needs to be watched.

A-13 ended up being very evil and extremely crafty in child-form, matching the stupidity that they typically had when in normal form. They still hadn't been returned to adult-form yet. Elizabeth had consented to let them go off world, with some supervision. Off world teams had created a rotating schedule to deal with them. Fawkes had become pretty much their supervisor, keeping an eye on them if they happened to get away from their keepers. The phoenix wasn't happy.

290. Don't push buttons if you don't know what they do.

People weren't smart. Some of the more impatient people, most soldiers and a few scientists, like to push buttons to see what they did. Explosions followed. Elizabeth was designating repairs.

291. Ronon is not Chewbacca.

A. Stop it.

Another Star Wars marathon had led to A-8 calling Ronon 'Chewbacca.' He didn't quite get it, but he didn't oppose it.

292. Charlotte also scares Woolsey.

A. So stop taking him to her hallway.

B. He doesn't know how friendly she really is.

C. You know she won't hurt us.

D. Much.

Apparently, Woolsey was extremely afraid of spiders. And he happened to let that little piece of information slip right before he was supposed to hear about Charlotte. Radek, Miko and Rodney had taken great pleasure in purposefully walking him down Charlotte's hallway on their way to the labs. Elizabeth had been called to Rodney's lab five minutes later, only to arrive and find Woolsey in a corner, rocking back and forth, in shock.

293. Pirates and Ninjas are getting out of hand.

A. Do you really need to turn it into an interstellar game where each faction has their own planets and bases and you routinely attack each other's planets?

She didn't want to know why. The two big factions of Atlantis had really gotten into their battles. It was getting progressively worse and more addictive. It led to the next rule.

294. Stop outfitting our Jumpers and Darts with the intar weapons you bribed the Daedalus to bring.

Why couldn't the Pirates and Ninjas just stop their extreme battles? Earth hadn't heard about i yett. Elizabeth had gone to great lengths to make sure that any reference to the battles didn't get past the Atlantis Expedition. Colonel Caldwell had sworn his crew to absolute secrecy about the battles as well. Most of the crew had some affiliation to the factions anyway. As far as Earth knew, the intar weapons were used for training on vacant planets.

295. Stop stealing Wraith Cruisers using only a few Darts, some Jumpers, and canisters of the humanizing retrovirus.

A. You're using the virus faster than we can make it.

B. Stop using these ships to better play Pirates and Ninjas.

C. Steal a hive ship if you can't stop stealing ships.

D. Hive ships make a better fleet.

Earth was pleasantly surprised to find out that they had managed to successfully capture a few Wraith Cruisers. The Atlantis fleet was slowly growing. Elizabeth was glad that Earth hadn't found out that the Cruisers had been captured during games.

296. The SG-C would like to remind us that we don't have to take the Fleet to Earth.

A. We don't have to show off.

B. They know that we have captured Wraith ships.

Elizabeth had been needed on Earth for a few meetings with her superiors. She thought it would be a good idea to bring a portion of the Fleet with them to Earth, just to demonstrate what they had accomplished so far. The SG-C had freaked out when they saw them flying in. Luckily, the Fleet had cloaks, installed by Hermoid. So they parked on the moon and stayed cloaked.

297. Any Wraith-related taxidermy is only to be done by or supervised by Ronon.

A. He's the best at it.

Long story short, an improperly-stuffed Wraith had stunk up the entire city. Rononan was pretty pissed.

298. Never press the big red button.

Antsy soldiers. Annoyed scientists. Big red button. Really big boom. She was glad they didn't have to hold any funerals. Carson, however, would still occasionally burst into tears at mentions of the button.

299. Keep A-13 away from shiny objects.

A. Remember they have the attention span of children.

At least they could get away with acting like children now. Rodney still hadn't found a way to revert them back to adult-form. They liked shiny objects. At least nothing blew up this time. Which, considering A-13's track record, was a good thing.

300. When delegates from Earth come to visit, remember that sharing stories isn't always a good idea.

A. Just not the stories about the more crazy adventures.

B. And keep them away from the skating rink.

C. And don't talk too much about the Menagerie.

D. Or Charlotte.

Delegates from several different countries that knew about the Stargate Program and had sent representatives on the Atlantis Expedition were coming with the Daedalus. Elizabeth was making sure everyone was aware of what was happening and that they would be under control. For the most part. She never knew what could happen with Atlantis and outsiders from Earth.

301. Crazier things have happened.

The delegates had happened to come at about the same time the Wraith had decided to stage an attack on Atlantis. The newcomers all freaked out when they heard about the attack. Somehow, they had managed to stop the attack without any casualties. Elizabeth was amazed by that fact alone.

302. The Menagerie can be used as weapons should they board a ship with you.

A. Or Wraith beam down to Atlantis.

Wraith had come. The Menagerie racked up a higher body count than the soldiers. Everyone was shocked.

303. Charlotte's poison is not used to threaten people.

A. It's just used to attack the Wraith.

B. And only in concentrated amounts.

C. And in weapons.

They found out that Charlotte's poison was lethal to the Wraith. The scientists had found a way to harvest off her poison and turn it to legitimate weapon. Everyone suddenly felt a lot better, except when the scientists had conveniently forgotten to mention to the soldiers that the poison wasn't lethal to humans.

304. The Cheerleading Team is hereby disbanded.

Whatever had possessed John to decide that they needed a cheerleading team was far beyond her. Honestly, Elizabeth could see very little merit in having one, especially considering the fact that they had no sports team to cheer on, or at least any sports teams to play against. John had said that they could have a cheerleading team, or a "dance team," as he called it, for when they had sports tournaments. Elizabeth noted that the team was made up entirely of women from the base, and women who were exceptionally good at different assorted sports. She wasn't too happy. And neither were the women.

305. Would the feminists of the base please stop attacking the male Expedition member.

A. And stop getting Atlantis on your side.

B. The men know that they're wrong now.

The women had retaliated and had stopped agreeably working with the offending males. Which ended up being a vast majority of the base. And then they got Atlantis on their side and the men had cold showers for the better part of a month. Elizabeth called it quits only because she couldn't have the men functioning below standards.

306. P5X-246 is not to be referred to as "Vegas."

A. The planet turned into a near-copy of Las Vegas because we interfered.

B. It's close enough to a religion to be treated as such and have the same consequences administered.

A-10 and A-13 were still barricaded in a few rooms along a little-used corridor and growing their own food in an attempt to stay away from Clifford, Charlotte and Sapphira. Scuttlebutt amongst the expedition members was that the two teams were going to secede and flee to a deserted world to start their own country. This immediately led to the next rule.

307. Seceding from the expedition will result in being sent back to Earth and, quite possibly, other consequences.

She had to be preventive. There was a snowball's chance in hell that she would even think about giving them the opportunity to secede and create their own country.

308. The Wraith are not to be referred to as 'mutant M-113 creatures,' despite the fact that both are vampire-like.

A. Come on, we're already allowed to call them 'evil space vampires.'

The scientists had recently gotten their hands on several Star Trek episodes and one of them had compared the Wraith to the M-113 creature from the episode 'The Man Trap.' Earth wasn't amused.

Elizabeth was slowly realizing how little Earth approved of many of the things that they did. Well, she shouldn't really encourage the expedition as much as she quietly did. Not that she wasn't entertained by a lot of what they ended up doing. Besides, she liked being able to send the reports back to Earth and imagine the faces that those who read them were making. It was good therapy for her.

_Now go press that nice shiny button that says 'review.' Make an author happy. The more you review, the sooner I'll put new stuff up for you to read. _


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 – Part 11

_Disclaimer: Do I look like the owner?_

_**Author's Notes**__: Thanks for all the reviews so far. They really make me feel happy. I'm just glad everyone who's left them still wants to read some of the stuff that I come up with. I try to make it funny. So, please, please, please! I'd like to see lots of reviews for this chapter. _

_And don't forget to submit any ideas you might have, either in a review or in the forum. Just go to my profile to find the link to the forum. _

_**Douglas The Writer**__: yeah, I'm glad I didn't let this one die either. I've just had a lot to do since college ended and I never got around to updating the Guide. Trust me, there's lots more to come!_

_**Acknowledgement**__s: __**sciencefictionsquirrel**__: Rules 310, 313, 314, 321_

_**Redshirtlackey**__: Rules 316, 317 and 318._

_**Jo Wilson**__: Rule 325_

_**HathorLady**__: Rule 330_

The Atlantis Expedition kept on surprising by what they pulled off next. Some of their stunts were pretty amazing and she had to wonder if they did it on purpose sometimes.

309. Performing _Godspell_ nude is strictly prohibited.

Where did they come up with that idea? Elizabeth wanted to put the blame on the scientists, but there were quite a few soldiers who had participated so she was understandably confused.

310. The retrovirus Carson designed to give a microscopic amount of Wraith DNA to a person so that they can control the three Hive ships that A-1. A-10 and A-13 have stolen so far is not to be referred to as the "Wraith transmogrification potion."

A. It doesn't turn you into a Wraith.

B. It just gives you enough DNA to control a Hive Ship.

She didn't want to know where or how that one came about. They scared her sometimes.

311. Those with the Wraith DNA are not to be referred to as Jekyll and Hyde.

Someone had recently read "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" by Robert Louis Stevenson. Then proceeded to point out how Carson's retrovirus was somehow similar to that. Those with the DNA were not amused. The Fleet mysteriously disappeared for several days when they had gone off to sulk. They came back with two more Hive Ships, five Wraith Cruisers and a bunch of Darts, not to mention a large pile of Wraith corpses.

312. You are not allowed to name any new ships the Enterprise.

A. It's copyrighted and we don't want to be sued.

B. I don't care if General O'Neill says you can.

C. He tried the same thing with the Prometheus.

D. And look how that turned out?

General O'Neill had tried to get them to name one of the Hive Ships the Enterprise. Elizabeth had pulled the copyright clause with the Star Trek franchise to prevent that name from being used. The scientists weren't happy and neither was Jack.

313. From now on, animals are not to be brought back through the gate as pets.

A. Rodney's new pet monkey is the last one I will allow through.

Long story short, Rodney had brought back a monkey that seemed to understand mathematics and the sciences. It was now dubbed Curious George, George for short, and it was near sentient, being able to develop and communicate ideas, understand complex situations, and think on a level near to that of humans or higher. Elizabeth didn't mind the smart monkey. It was another set of hands and another brain. Earth, on the other hand, was not as amused as she was and they fully supported not having another animal come through the gate. They hated those reports and dreaded getting another one.

314. All of Rodney's work is not to be run past both Dr. Zelenka and George.

A. George has proven himself to be just as intelligent as, if not more so than, Rodney.

It was true. George was currently working on a way to rest the micro-universe a Z.P.M. created, thus extending their life spans and allowing them to be recharged. Running the work past Radek was just to double-check everything. She didn't want any mistakes to be made.

315. George and General Hammond are not to be mixed up.

A. Even though it is kind of funny.

B. And General Hammond has a picture with him.

Apparently, the old SG-1 had found it highly entertaining when they heard about Curious George. They had promptly asked for a picture and sent it to General Hammond. The General had then asked to meet the monkey and was now on his way out to Atlantis to do so.

316. Any surviving Ancients encountered off world are not permitted back on Atlantis until a mandatory observation period is met (to be decided), and only if the individual has been vetted by the command staff and/or SGC

A. They could be the only barrier between a planet of innocent people and the Wraith.

B. They can easily take over the city again and throw us out.

C. Or failing that, just try to destroy it. And us.

First-year personnel all remembered Chaya. Everyone remembered Helia and her crew. Nobody wanted to remember the Asurans, but Human-form Replicators tended to leave lasting impressions on people who survived encountering them.

317. The Ancients were human and fallible. They did thing that were extremely brilliant or extremely stupid, and sometimes both. That being said:

A. Not everything they did was a good idea.

B. Nor should their incomplete/abandoned projects be resurrected in the slim chance that we end up succeeding where they failed.

While the Stargate system and the city itself were excellent examples of Ancient ingenuity, Project Arcturus and the entire population of Asuras also came to mind. Even the Wraith owed their existence to the Ancients.

318. For the love of all things good and holy, always, ALWAYS take responsibility for your actions!

A. They will return to bite you in the butt otherwise.

B. Or if not you now or personally, at some point in the future or on your descendants.

C. The Ancients didn't, and now look at where we're at thanks to them.

The Wraith were a primary example. So were the Asurans. And now there was Michael and his hybrids. The phrase 'sins of our fathers' took on a whole new dimension and the meaning in the Pegasus Galaxy. More than one expedition member wished the Ancients had been a little more considerate when they seeded the second evolution of humanity.

319. Sugar pill and caffeine pills are to be used in moderation.

Apparently, the soldiers had given the scientists sugar pill and caffeine pills to supplement their coffee. Elizabeth had walked into Miko's lab and found her sitting at her desk, head in her hands, quietly crying while Radek and Rodney, along with a few other scientists, were bouncing around the lab, talking at a million miles an hour, brandishing make-shift swords. Miko had told her that they were high on sugar and caffeine. Elizabeth wasn't happy. Clifford was taking much pleasure in helping the bouncy scientists work off their energy by chasing them around Atlantis.

320. Don't make Dr. Yasaguma mad.

A. She knows how to make a ray gun.

B. And has one in her lab.

Rodney and Radek had driven Miko to the point of building a ray gun to get them to shut up. They thought she was joking. The hole in the door to Rodney's lab said otherwise.

321. Don't make me ban Pirates and Ninjas.

A. Adding a branch of Cowboys and a second super branch, this one consisting of Samurai, is a bit extreme.

She didn't want to know why. Whoever came up with the Cowboys was absolutely insane. Then again, the Samurai were much like the Vikings. No one except themselves and the Vikings knew who they really were, because the Vikings and the Samurai had made a truce, and the Samurai had secret identities like the Vikings did. Elizabeth was just trying to moderate between the different factions.

322. Don't mess with the Master.

The Samurai and the Vikings had named her the 'Master of Atlantis.' Elizabeth was the only one who could put some kind of control over the expedition. No one else knew who the 'Master' was; they had just heard tell of what she could do.

323. Jello Squares are to be made in the kitchen and the kitchen only.

A. The kitchen staff is not responsible to clean up any messes you make.

B. In the kitchen or anywhere else.

She thought the expedition would have known that the kitchen would be the best place to make food. She was wrong.

324. Mess with Teyla at your own risk.

Newbies didn't know that Teyla could be dangerous when ticked off. They soon found out how evil she could really be. It was bad when there were several newbies who found their way into the infirmary, sporting several assorted bruises and cuts. Elizabeth had to have a talk with Teyla.

325. All copies of High School Musical, High School Musical 2 and any computer games affiliated with said movies will be confiscated.

At first, Elizabeth found it quite funny that everyone was singing the songs. Then Ronon started singing 'Fabulous' and she knew that she had to put a stop to it because it was scaring Clifford and Charlotte.

326. Pillow fights are to be controlled.

A. Carson doesn't want to see any more pillow fight injuries.

Honestly, how could a pillow fight end up with people going to the infirmary? In some sane world, people normally wouldn't get anything worse than a few light bruises from a pillow fight. But in their world? John had led a small band of extremely injured people, a mixture of scientists and soldiers actually, into the infirmary, sporting lovely bruises, cuts and, in a few more extreme cases, broken bones. Elizabeth had to blame Ronon for at least some of the broken bones. She knew that he could get carried away sometimes. She just thought that the man had more self-control than that. They were pillows, for crying out loud!

327. Colonel Sheppard is not Bruce Wayne. Or Batman.

A. He is also not a billionaire in charge of a company.

B. At least, not that we know of.

She didn't know where that idea came from, but John certainly was enjoying it. He kind of liked being called Batman. He would need to get his come-uppance very soon.

328. Do not laminate the Wall.

Some of the scientists had thought that it would be a good idea to laminate the Wall, since it had already taken over its current room (ceiling included) and had expanded into the corridor and room next door. They reasoned that it could be taken down and disassembled when necessary to preserve space. The rest of the Expedition didn't agree with them, and were making their grief known.

329. No wrapping scientists in Saran-Wrap.

A. It's not good for them.

Laminating the Wall was no longer an issue.

330. Do not poke Ronon when he's sleeping.

A. He WILL hurt you.

B. Even when he's sleeping.

C. Especially when he's sleeping.

Turns out that even after spending all this time on Atlantis, Ronon was still pretty jumpy whenever he slept. John and Rodney had found that out the hard way. They both ended up coming back through the 'gate with black eyes and multiple bruises.

331. Snowball fights are not allowed.

How the hell they had a snowball fight on Atlantis was somewhat beyond her. Well, they did have an ice skating rink, but still. The scientists were going just a little too far. Elizabeth decided that she really needed to find them a good hobby that didn't involve the entire base.

She couldn't believe the things that the Expedition kept coming up with. They were starting to get a little out there, even for Atlantis. And that was definitely saying something about them.

_Now, go click that nice shiny button that says 'review.' If you don't want a sad author, you'll do that to make her happy. I'll give you a cookie. And more chapters, if you do. (smiles sweetly) Thank you._


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 – part 12

_Disclaimer: Nope. Didn't get it as a present. _

_Sorry it's taking me a while to get things back up. I'm back at college now and all the moving and getting things ready for classes and actually starting classes takes up a lot of time. I'll do what I can, when I can. I swear I have lots of good ideas stored up here. Promise. Keep reading and review and you'll make me happy. I'd like as many reviews as I can possibly get. hint hint_

_**Kaitebug**__: Yummy, chocolate chip cookies. hands Kaitebug a fresh cookie straight from the oven I like them too. And I have a somewhat dirty mind as well. You can give me some of your ideas. He he._

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__: No, I would do nothing to cross you and your merry band of rabid squirrels. I'm working on it._

_**Acknowledgements**__: __**sciencefictionsquirrel**__: Rules 335 (with minor adjustments), 338. 349 and 350._

_**Ya Betcha**__: For inspiring Rule 336_

New things just kept on happening to them. Elizabeth wasn't all that surprised. They had been out there for a while now. There was plenty of crazy things for them to do and antics to be had. Not that she wanted them to stop. It made her life more interesting.

332. Don't play Tag off-world.

A. You'll probably get hurt.

B. And the natives will probably think you're crazy.

A-13 had partially been turned back to normal. They were teenagers now. And Elizabeth had let them go off-world on a simple reconnaissance mission. The team promptly got bored. They had ended up playing Tag. The natives of the planet had been watching from the trees and had decided that they liked the game. A-13 didn't have a problem teaching them how to play Tag.

333. The scientist are now to be referred to as the Smart Camp.

They had felt a little left out because the Marine Brigade had long been referred by a large group nickname. Elizabeth got fed up with their complaints and had given the name the 'Smart Camp.' They didn't disagree. Yet.

334. Beauty pageants are not allowed.

A. Remember the Cheerleading Team?

Many members of both the Marine Brigade and the Smart Camp had liked the idea of having a beauty pageant, much like Miss America or Miss Universe. The women of the base disagreed. Elizabeth hadn't bothered to try and reason it out between the two genders of the base. She was far too busy leading the women (plus a few male allies, including Ronon – who hadn't seen the point of it, – Carson – who had sided with his wife – and John – who didn't want to get on Teyla's bad side, again – as well as a good portion of the Menagerie)

335. Stop hazing the newbies.

A. It's not nice.

B. People can get hurt.

C. Talk to the people in the Infirmary if you have a complaint.

A few of the veteran members had made a group of newbies hop around a rocky planet, in the dark, with both hands and one leg tied up behind their back. Major Loraine Hendrickon's broken-in-two-places left leg and broken-in-three-places, incompletely-fractured-in-one-place left arm had earned her an honorary promotion to member in the second degree.

336. Gross vegetables are good for you.

A. Eat them.

Recently, the kitchen staff had decided that the expedition wasn't getting enough green vegetables, so they decided to make a wide variety of greens that they thought people would like. Things like asparagus, broccoli, salad and green beans were fine and went fairly quickly. However, brussel sprouts turned out to be a base-wide disliked vegetable. Elizabeth, while she agreed with the fact that brussel sprouts were gross, had to force them to actually them because they were healthy.

337. Stop singing 'Just Keep Swimming.'

'Finding Nemo' had made another reappearance on base. This time, Dory was one of the top favorite characters. The Smart Camp had decided to take up her song as their personal mantra. The Marine Brigade didn't take to it as well as they had.

338. From now on, Ronon's recently formed fighting club is not to take place except on the piers or in a first-story room

A. Falling out of a window hurts.

Ronon had felt that the men needed a fighting class, which he'd dubbed the Men's Anti-Wraith Training Club, or Men's Training Club for short, similar to the Ladies' Club after he'd gotten beaten miserably by Laura during a sparring match. The first class had resulted in a few injuries after Miko and Laura showed up to criticize Ronon's teachings. He still backed away slowly when either of the two women walked by him.

339. Fire extinguishers must be maintained.

Apparently, the three dragons on base all caught some kind of a flu-like illness, which including them sneezing a lot. And when dragons sneeze, fire accompanies it. Atlantis learned very quickly that fire extinguishers were very handy,

340. Teddy bears aren't always nice.

They found a planet that had giant, living teddy bears. These teddy bears weren't warm, fuzzy and cuddly like the ones that was commonly found on Earth. These were enormous, extremely vicious and each one had a mouth full of very sharp teeth that were practically itching to sink into a chew toy. But the expedition seemed to like them. A lot. Which led to:

341. NO GIANT, LIVING TEDDY BEARS ON BASE!

A. Remember Rule 313?

B. Check it if you don't remember.

She did not want large, vicious teddy bears roaming the base. It would not end pretty, she was positive.

342. General Hammond is our ally.

A. Be nice to him.

B. Don't make him sic George on you.

A fairly harmless prank had ended up with General Hammond tinted gold. The General had managed to laugh it off with relative ease. After all, the man had served as the CO of the SG-C for seven years, with the Jack O'Neill as his second-in-command. He used to a lot of crazy things happening.

What scared Elizabeth the most was that the two Georges, as the general and the monkey were now being called, had bonded. No one wanted to get on their bad side now.

343. General Hammond is not to be called the Buddha.

A. Ever.

B. And never ask to rub his belly.

C. Bad memories there.

D. Don't even ask him about it.

E. Or you'll suffer.

F. Painfully.

G. Just ask General O'Neill.

General Hammond's gold tint had taken a few days before it finally began to wear off. During that time, a few comments had been made about him resembling Buddha. He wasn't very happy about it. All Elizabeth knew was that there had been an even worse event on the SG-C base and everyone quietly calling him Buddha for an extended period of time. Jack could attest (and he vigorously did) that George Hammond was not someone you wanted to really piss off.

344. No blaring Journey.

A. Unless it's 'Don't Stop Believing.'

B. But only at moderate levels.

C. Don't blast our eardrums out.

The expedition had recently discovered a previously hidden love for Steve Perry and Journey. Elizabeth was slowly adjusting to the fact that she would hear 'Don't Stop Believing' from halfway across the City.

345. Sucking helium is a bad idea.

Three words: John. And. Rodney. They had managed to bribe the Daedalus to bring them very large containers of helium. Except the helium they got turned out to be extremely potent stuff. So, for about a week, a vast majority of the population of the city walked around sounding like Munchkins. It was cute and semi-entertaining at first. But then, after a few days of hearing it at practically every turn, it was practically driving her up the wall.

346. Balloon animals are generally a good way of cheering people up.

A. Unless you're around Albus, Polly or Smaug.

B. Then hide them!

C. Or else you'll be seriously injured.

D. Especially by Polly.

When trying to figure out what to do with the excess helium that was lying around Atlantis, people started to create balloon animals. Turns out Albus, Polly and Smaug were absolutely terrified of them. A-1, A-6 and A-19 were putting out death threats to everyone who brought one around their pets and caused them to freak out. Polly was the worst. She started clawing at anyone who brought a balloon animal near her, sqwaking loudly.

347. Trampolines are to be kept FAR away from windows,

A. And surrounded by lots of well-stuffed cushions.

Turns out A-6 wanted a trampoline in payment for what the balloon animals had done to Polly. It ended up being a recipe for disaster. Soon every team on Atlantis had their own trampolines. Carson wasn't too happy.

348. We do not live in the "Delta Quadrant."

A. Copyright, anyone?

The Star Trek nerds had struck again. They decided that they were going to re-dub the Pegasus Galaxy the Delta Quadrant. Elizabeth only shook her head at that one.

349. Giant, intergalactic, satellite-based subspace communication relay networks are allowed.

A. But only when not being used to illegally transmit satellite TV signals from Earth to Atlantis without paying!

B. No, I am not going to ask General O'Neill to divert a portion of the Stargate Program's budget to paying the TV companies for the signals.

She'd approved the project because Rodney had agreed to allow automated weapon systems to be mounted on the satellites to defend the path to the Milky Way as well as the fact that the relay network would allow a back-up communications method. She didn't want to know who's idea it had been to bootleg the satellites TV signals, but she'd stripped all of the scientists of coffee privileges, excluding decaf, for a month, as punishment.

350. Never question the scientists' learned opinions.

A. They know what they're talking about.

B. They have the power to make our lives agony.

C. They know how to make Atlantis malfunction.

The just-completely-quelled Scientist Revolution was back up in full swing, all because Joshua Adams of A-6 had said that the newest equations for one of the scientist's projects made no sense. The main difference in this Revolution was that the scientists were making the lives of everyone on the expedition miserable by causing inconvenient malfunctions and refusing to fix them.

351. Figuring out how to turn decaf coffee into regular coffee is against the rules.

A. The Smart Camp is on probation for a reason.

Between the TV signals and the newest reappearance of the Scientists Revolution, Elizabeth hadn't taken any chances. She had extended their caffeine punishment and added a clause where they would be on probation, at which point they would get limited supplies of caffeine a day. Needless to say, they weren't too happy about it.

352. Only the kitchen staff is allowed to work the cotton candy machine.

A. And the popcorn machine

Someone had decided that it would be a good idea for them to get a cotton candy machine and a popcorn machine for the commissary. Both the Marine Brigade and the Smart Camp had agreed, and they had banded together to petition to Elizabeth to get them. She'd agreed, but later realized the error. Cotton candy and popcorn were two really popular treats on Atlantis. And she was tired of people fighting over use of the machines.

353. By special permission of Dr. Weir, Teyla is allowed to use the popcorn machine.

Elizabeth knew that Teyla really liked popcorn. Since the Athosian had been so kind to them in the past, she decided to give her friend dispensation to use said machine whenever she wanted. That meant that everyone really liked Teyla now.

354. Beanbag chairs are not toys.

A. They are meant to be used as chairs.

B. Not things that you can hit each other with.

A few people had beanbag chairs shipped out to them on the Daedalus. Said chairs ended up being used as weapons in a massive, drunken pillow fight when a few of the teams had gotten their hands on Radek's stash. Elizabeth wasn't too pleased to see Ronon sporting two black eyes and Rodney with a broken nose and a busted lip. It really wasn't a pleasant sight.

355. A-13 is to be kept away from lava lamps.

A. Unless they just got back from M3A-449.

B. Then it's okay.

C, But make sure someone's watching them at all times!

M3A-449 was the planet where A-13 had gotten high when they had successfully negotiated a trade agreement with the natives. Apparently, whenever the team went back, it was as if they were returning heroes or something. Big celebrations were almost always thrown. And the pipes came out. Since it would be a bad idea to refuse the pipes, and lose the trade agreement, they always had to accept. And they always came back high.

It was shortly after a return that they became utterly fascinated by a lava lamp, entertaining them for the duration of time it took for them to come down off their high trip. But once they were back to normal, they suddenly developed a strange attachment to lava lamps. It had to be moderated.

356. Only A-13 can go to M3A-449.

A. If you want to go, go when A-13 is going.

B. But do NOT accept any pipes.

C. One high team is more than enough.

D. We need everyone else working on peak capacity.

The rest of the base wanted to go with A-13 to M3A-449, or the Pipe Planet, as it became known as on Atlantis. Unfortunately, Elizabeth realized that the whole reason that most people wanted to go was to get high. That killed their moods. A-13 was developing something of a resistance to the narcotics, and they weren't high for as long as they had originally been. It only took a matter of days now for them to be back at functioning levels.

Elizabeth couldn't believe that the Idiot's Guide had expanded to over 350 entries. She had originally started it as something of a joke. But she couldn't question its clear popularity. As long as Atlantis continued to do stupid things that needed to be recognized, there would be an Idiot's Guide. She was just interested to see what they would come up with next.

_Well, that's this chapter. You know what to do. Press the nice, shiny review button and send me a review. I adore feedback!_


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 – part 13

_Disclaimer: Nope, still got nothing here. Sorry._

_Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I've been kinda busy with school and everything. That's college for ya. You know how it goes. But don't let that stop you from posting something. I greatly appreciate it. Make me feel better._

_Jerex: I try, I really do. I'm actually getting close to 400. I don't really have a set goal. As long as I keep coming up with ideas, I'll keep writing._

_Kaitebug: The fic is coming along and there will be new rules coming._

_Puddle-Jumper38: Flashy review buttons would be nice. Maybe glittery too. The ADD and easily entertained kids, like me, would be greatly amused._

_Sciencefictionsquirrel: As long as the rabid squirrels are happy, then everything is good. I am to please. And to misbehave. But that's about it._

_**Acknowledgements**__: __**melgar**__ for Rules 362 and 363._

_**Jiskah**__ for inspiring Rule 365 and 374._

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__ for Rules 366, 367, 368 and 377_

Six hours after she posted the latest rule, something else happened on base, warranting a new rule to be posted, reprimanding the expedition and telling them some new fact that they could or could not do. More like, a team came running through the 'gate, hands over their heads, screaming at the tops of their lungs about something immensely strange, even by their standards. It hadn't surprised her too much. Atlantis had that kind of effect on people.

357. Seagulls are to be avoided at all costs.

A-9 refused to tell anyone what had really happened on M49-671, not even Elizabeth. All Atlantis knew was that it had to do with an extremely large flock of seagulls who seemed to think that they were food, natives who did absolutely nothing to prevent the seagulls from swarming and a rubber fish. Sometimes, they just didn't want to know what had happened.

358. Pies are to be eaten. Not thrown.

A. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be subject to Clifford and the three Dragons.

B. Remember Rule 135?

Apparently, the Smart Camp had had enough of the Marine Brigade tormenting them when some had attended remedial boot camp. They had bribed the Daedalus, raided the kitchen and retaliated. By throwing whip cream pies at the offending soldiers. Said soldiers had promptly gotten their hands on their own set of pies and returned fire with more vigor. It took Elizabeth, Ronon, the medical staff and A-19, plus their personal mascots to stop the violence.

Now anyone caught throwing a pie-shaped piece of food would be subject to Clifford, Lorn, Smaug and Sapphira. No one wanted to cross any of them.

359. No playing 'Tag' with the Fleet.

Someone thought it was a good idea to play the game, Tag, with some of the Wraith battle cruisers. Elizabeth wasn't too pleased when she found out that a dozen or so would go missing for hours at a time. When she found out, all involved were subject to a very long, very loud lecture. Then they had to clean all the cruisers from top to bottom. And that was before they could get to Carson to have their mild injuries treated.

360. Crossing your eyes at the natives may not be the best idea out there.

John had been extremely bored during trade negotiations with a planet that was about a hundred years behind them in technological development. He started to entertain himself by crossing his eyes at the people across the table from him. Apparently, as they realized later, that no one on the planet had figured out that you could cross your eyes without being seriously injured. The colonel wasn't too happy when the young woman across from him had started freaking out at him, thinking something horrible had afflicted him.

361. Hepatitis scares are not fun.

A. Don't make Atlantis go on lock-down.

B. Remember what happened last time?

A-10 had brought back what looked like hepatitis from another planet. Turns out it was just a harmless bacteria that they had picked up to resist the effects of a poisonous species of plants on the planet. Carson had thought it was actually hepatitis. Atlantis went on lock-down.

Everyone who was around for the last full-out lock-down prank remembered how Clifford had been shaved and how A-13 had become obsessed with Power Rangers as a result. The team still carried around toys.

362. All non-expedition members are to be entertained and supervised.

A. We are all to blame for this one.

This had happened with a twenty-something civilian named David, who was visiting Atlantis from Earth, had been rescued from the Wraith, who were trying to get Intel on Earth. He had not only been left to his own devices but had been completely ignored. The result was that one of the space hangers now had a mech made from a mish-mash of tech he'd been able to steal from the scientists. Rodney thought it had to do with keeping an eye on the Wraith, but he was having Radek and George check it out, to be totally sure.

363. In view of recent events, David is now an expedition member, and responsible for the up-keep and care for the "altdam."

A. And it's very clear that he's the only one here who has the spare time.

This came about from a incident involving one very drunk A-9, three puddle jumpers, the mech that had been christened "altdam," an attempt to make a music video and the fact that David had put some hefty safety locks on said mech that no one else had thought of using.

364. Noodle necklaces are to be made during down time

A. Not during briefings.

B. And clean up after yourselves!

C. Tracking paint in the halls is not nice.

D. You'll be cleaning it up.

As it turned out, Dr. Ames of A-12 had a five-year-old niece back on Earth and A-12 had gone to visit her family when they had been on Earth. Well, the team really liked Alice, Dr. Ames' niece, and they all liked making necklaces that were made out of painted, uncooked noodles. They didn't want to stop when they got back to Atlantis and had gotten a lot of other people into making them. The Daedalus had then gotten requests for some strange supplies from Earth. And it explained why everyone was now sporting odd jewelry.

365. You are not Buffy. You can not stake the Wraith.

A-6 was the culprit there. They had watched an entire season of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' That led to them believing that if they staked the Wraith, the aliens would disintegrate into a pile of dust. They immediately started to sharpen up sticks of wood.

When they landed in the infirmary after a pretty bad scrape with the Wraith, they kind of knew better. Though it had led to some pretty impressive injuries inflicted on the Wraith. Erin Krasin was mounting her stake and putting it up next to one of her new kills and Joshua Adams had a hand he was working on stuffing.

366. Stop starting little farms on remote, out-of-the-way worlds and selling the food for ridiculous prices at the off-world markets.

A. Start stockpiling it here so that the supplies from the Daedalus will last longer.

B. Some of the worlds can barely afford the prices,

A-10 and A-5 had taken the lead on that one, thinking up during the hepatitis lock-down. Elizabeth wasn't too happy with them.

367. The Menagerie REALLY has to stop growing!

A. I know those cute-yet vicious creatures that the Smart Camp are calling Mogwai from that old 'Gremlins' movie didn't follow us back through the 'gate like you said.

B. They do make good bodyguards but fifty of those things is a bit much.

Thankfully, the Mogwai-like creatures obeyed Ronon and whoever Ronon told them to obey. But it was getting a little out of hand. That led to the next rule:

368. The Mogwai Bodyguards are still in training.

A. They will be available for use after Ronon finishes training them to be proper bodyguards and skilled Wraith-killers.

B. And taxidermists.

A-1 through A-10 had already reserved their Mogwai members.

369. Any person or team that does not already have a mascot or has not already have a mascot may reserve a Mogwai bodyguard.

They had gone back to M88-4369, the planet where A-8 had found the Mogwai creatures and had brought back a few more, which Ronon were now training. Elizabeth was really glad that it would be a little while before Woolsey showed up on Atlantis for another meeting. As much as the man had really warmed up to Atlantis and their strange quirks, he still was a little put off by the Menagerie. Elizabeth theorized that it was because he didn't have one of his own.

370. The phoenix babies are to be trained.

A. Would their team owners please do so.

B. Immediately!

Apparently, Albus turned out to be a female, which A-1 previously did not know. And Albus happened to be going into her version of heat. Which meant that Fawkes, A-6's phoenix, really liked her. Now they had a half a dozen baby phoenix's flying around Atlantis.

371. Oreo dunking contests are hereby banned.

The Marine Brigade had heard about the fictitious Double-Stuffed Racing League that Oreo had created back on Earth and they really liked the idea. After ordering an ungodly amount of Oreos and milk from Earth, the Brigade had proceeded to challenge to the Smart Camp to an Oreo dunking contest, to see who could dunk and eat the most Oreos. It turned out not to be such a good idea when they all got extremely sick afterwards.

372. Brush your hair when you get up in the morning.

A. Don't just put in gel.

B. It won't do itself.

That one was aimed at John. His hair and his consumption of hair products was getting rapidly notorious throughout the base and, by extension, the rest of the galaxy.

373. Shaving people's heads while they sleep is not a good idea.

In order to rectify John's hair situation, Rodney and Ronon had decided to sneak into his room late at night and shave his head. John wasn't too happy when he woke up and was completely bald. Of course, the scientist and the Satedan were staying clear out of his way when he went on the warpath, searching for the culprit. Turns out Albus didn't want to help him, being too concerned for her babies, George didn't like John at all and Sapphira was loyal to Ronon. He wasn't in a good mood. But there was a bunch of really good pictures that had gone up on both the Wall and on Atlantisbook.

374. Building AIs for the Fleet is only to be done in your spare time.

A. This means you, Smart Camp.

B. We have other projects that you need to work on as well.

C. It can be your hobby!

The Smart Camp had gotten together to watch a bunch of 'Andromeda; episodes and a few of the scientists had decided that it would be a really good idea if the Fleet had AI systems, much like the one in the series. It was coming along slowly.

375. Chocolate-covered coffee beans are only to be used during an emergency.

It was a new food trend on base to have at least one large bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans in your possession to give you an extra boost when necessary. But certain people, namely Rodney, half the scientists, a quarter of the Marine Brigade and Teyla has started to abuse said beans and were developing an unhealthy addiction to them. It had to be prevented.

376. Keep Ronon away from Red Bull.

A. And all Mountain Dew products in general

B. Any quantity of said products tend to make him more than a little jumpy.

Well, after seeing the large Runner trip over his own feet, fall ungracefully to the floor and promptly start laughing uncontrollably, Elizabeth planned an intervention. She learned that DDR was a good outlet for his energy. Though how DDR got there, she really didn't want to know.

377. Ask about a planet's culture before indulging in any culture practices.

John, Ronon and Rodney had each inadvertently married three native girls on one of the planets that they had visited. They were still trying to figure out how the planet went about divorces.

378. Make no comments about Rodney and marriage.

A. It's a sensitive and sore subject of him.

A few new scientists and soldiers had started talking about Rodney's unexpected marriage and how it showed that he wasn't gay. Rodney heard. He had actually started a fight and managed to injure up both the offending scientists and soldiers quite a bit in the process. Everyone was surprised that he actually had it in him.

It really didn't surprise her every time the Expedition pulled off some insane stunt. It was just another fact of life from them. Then, as an ominous sounding explosion rang through the halls, from the direction of Rodney's lab, Elizabeth shook her head and went off in search of the source of the distraction, knowing full well disaster was most likely following close behind.

_Now go press that nice happy button that says 'review.' Make me happy!_


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 – Part 14

_Disclaimer: Do I look like the owners?_

_Sorry that this is kind of a long time coming, I've been wrapped up with college and classes and such. I apologize._

_Please review. They make a very stressed out writer extremely happy. PLEASE! And don't forget to add some ideas to the forum. I really like them._

_Acknowledgements: __**sciencefictionsquirrel**__: for Rules 282, 387, 388, 392, 393 (with some edits) and 395._

_**Jerex**__: for Rule 391_

The explosion hadn't been too terrible, but it had caused a few minor injuries. The source: none other than Rodney McKay himself. That man, while he had many good days, was a walking genius and could solve numerous problems, had flaws up the proverbial river. Anyone could see that. However, his misstep and misadventures had caused the following rule:

379. Dr. McKay is no longer allowed to have pixie sticks and Red Bull.

A. They do strange things to him.

B. And prevent him from sleeping.

Needless to say, the fairly massive and quite impressive explosion had been a lesson and fair warning to keep said items away from Rodney. The Canadian was too happy about that. They were, apparently, a good source of fuel for him when he was in serious need of an energy kick and they supposedly helped him work for long hours, solving problems. However, Elizabeth was pretty tired of walking into his lab in a corner, shaking and laughing to himself, or having him run past her room, shouting the craziest things.

380. Videos of Dr. McKay running around in only his boxers, singing at the top of his lungs, are not allowed.

Apparently, a few people had gotten videos of Rodney in one of his worse Red Bull-pixie stick phases. They had shared the videos with the rest of the base. Rodney wasn't happy.

381. No drag races with alien spaceships.

A. Not even if you know you can win.

Atlantis teams got really easily distracted and easily amused. It became a fashion trend when, in Jumpers on off-world missions, to try and drag race with any and every alien vessel that they came across. Elizabeth wasn't too happy with them.

382. Thank Rodney after he's accomplished a hard task.

He figured out how to turn A-13 back to normal . . . with extensive help from George.

Rodney remembered the videos of him. He wasn't ready to forgive and forget too easily.

383. You are not allowed to got back to Earth, just to go to Waffle House.

A. Not even if you're bored.

B. Or you really want to have waffles.

C. Make some yourselves.

John had decided that it would be fun to have a mass "field trip" back to Earth just to go to Waffle House. A-6, A-10 and A-13, as well as the rest of his team, had decided to go with him. Elizabeth had gotten a frantic message back through the 'gate that they were causing enormous amounts of trouble back on Earth. It wasn't too pretty when they got back. Surprisingly though, Ronon and Annie, along with the Menagerie members that they had taken back to Earth with them, were the ones who had managed to prevent things from getting too out of hand. Elizabeth was shocked.

384. From here on out, A-1, A-6, A-10 and A-13 are not be allowed to be together for extended periods of time, without supervision.

A. Ronon and Caption Dyson are exempt from the rules.

B. They are fairly normal.

C. Supervision means Menagerie plus others.

After the four teams had decided that they were going to wage "war" on Earth using a Wraith cruiser and a few Jumpers, things were bad. But when they had knowingly started to have a "mock fight," it went down hill. The Earth defenses didn't know what to do. They thought it was an actual Wraith attack when the cruisers had shown up with no warning, with the Jumpers hot on their tails. But when the Jumpers had turned on the Earth ships, it wasn't funny. Fortunately, Annie and Ronon had been in one of the Jumpers and had contacted the ships to tell them that it wasn't really an attack. Elizabeth had a sneaky feeling that the two were forming something of an unholy alliance. Though, she didn't mind. Annie needed a personal animal of her own, she thought.

385. No ship, Wraith or Earth, will be named 'Serenity.'

The Smart Camp was sad. And the Marine Brigade was unhappy as well. Firefly had become a favorite show of Atlantis.

386. Laser pointers are to be left on Atlantis.

A. They are recipe for disaster.

B. Remember that next time you get run off a planet for having one.

A-12 was channeling the spirit of A-6. They had taken a few laser pointers off-world. The natives didn't take too well to them. The team had gotten run off the planet, but they were grinning like mad fools while they did.

387. Whoever froze George in a stasis unit needs to unlock the controls so that we can unfreeze him

A. He's become Rodney's backup.

B. If you don't come forward, I am going to give the soldiers permission to beat a confession out of you.

C. That means all the scientists will wind up in the infirmary.

Apparently a few scientists of the Kavanaugh brain wave felt threatened by George's presence. They froze him in a stasis unit. Rodney had something of a brain aneurysm when he found out. Said scientists had promptly confessed then gone into hiding.

388. Don't give Katie Brown a reason to release her 'Botanical Warfare' projects.

A. They tend to be dangerous.

B. If you even mention the words 'plant' and injury in the same sentence within his earshot, Carson starts bawling like he's never bawled before.

Apparently, Katie had done some genetic engineering and had created several new plants that could do all sorts of potentially injurious things. One had actually beaten Rodney senseless with a vine and had given him a concussion when he had been late for lunch, again. A second had given John a nasty rash when he let slip his opinion of Rodney after Rodney had just spent five hours annoying him. A third had smashed Ronon through a wall and had broken several of his bones in the process.

389. No laughing at Felix.

A. She will hurt you.

The last time Woolsey had been on Atlantis, A-13 had come back through the 'gate with incredibly sheepish looks on their faces. A moment later, a small, feline-like animal followed them. As soon as said animal saw Woolsey, it promptly latched onto him as her owner. Now Woolsey was the proud owner of the feline version of Clifford, complete with a wicked set of teeth. Fortunately for him, the feline alien could be passed off as a cat on Earth, which was a relief, since Felix didn't like to be separated from Woolsey for extended periods of time.

390. Clifford and Felix are the only animals who can freely travel from Atlantis to Earth.

A. Everyone else has to clear their animals.

B. And most likely leave them at the SGC.

Elizabeth and Woolsey were both frequent travelers. Their personal mascots didn't like to be left behind. However, while Felix could easily leave the SGC, Clifford had to stay on base. Which the wolf-dog eventually warmed up to, especially after he found out that the staff of the SGC didn't know too much about his games. Suddenly, the SGC became a new playground.

391. Playing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" by REM while Atlantis is under attack from the Wraith, the Replicators, the Genii or any other enemy is neither funny nor clever.

A. Stop it now!

B. It's bad for morale!

C. We can track you down, you know.

Someone had thought that it would be funny to play that song whenever Atlantis was under attack. It was cute the first few times, but after the seventh attack, Elizabeth was starting to get annoyed. And so was everyone else. She was putting an end to it now.

392. Pirates and Ninjas are now to be referred to as P.N.C.V.S.

A. Pirates, Ninjas, Cowboys, Vampires and Samurai.

B. The full name is too long.

It was so true. It was getting very ridiculous. Some of the antics that they were pulling were getting a little ridiculous.

393. Stop using the Fleet for P.N.C.V.S. purposes.

A. You already get to use the Darts and Jumpers when you can cloak and smuggle them off world to the different bases for P.N.C.V.S. games

B. You can't smuggle a Wraith Crusier or Hive Ship from the Fleet out of orbit.

Somehow, Rodney had developed a way to extend a Jumper's cloaking field around a whole squadron of Darts and fly them through the 'gate. The teams had taken advantage of this and began smuggling their ships off world to continue playing P.N.C.V.S. Elizabeth had allowed the opening of the Jumper Bay doors to go unnoticed because she unofficially supported the game. Then they got cocky and tried to smuggle the Fleet out of orbit. The Daedalus and the Apollo had caught them and threatened to charge them with treason if they didn't return the ships to orbit. She had to fully support Colonel Caldwell's threat. At least until she worked out a plan.

394. Neon paints are not allowed.

A. Seriously.

B. Face the wrath of the kitchen staff.

The Marine Brigade got really excited and they wanted to repaint the mess hall neon green. It wasn't pretty. The kitchen staff was not happy. The Marine Brigade had to paint the mess hall back to the way it had been before.

395. This is not Star Wars, people.

A. That means stop trying to design a Death Star-like super-weapon to use against the Wraith.

B. It would help, but it would also be too expensive.

C. Earth would never pay for it.

The Smart Camp had decided to start trying to design and build a working Death Star after A-13 had returned from M3A-449 and watched every Star Wars movie after high. One of the members had suggested building the Death Star to take out the Wraith. For some reason, the Smart Camp had taken it seriously.

396. Redecorating people's quarters is frowned upon.

The Smart Camp had gotten fed up at the latest Marine Brigade antic. They proceeded to sneak into the quarters of half the upper-ranking Marine Brigade member. They rearranged and redecorated their rooms, successfully freaking out them. The results weren't pretty.

397. Paint fights are not allowed.

A. You will have to clean up the mess.

In retaliation for the redecorating, the Marine Brigade had started attacking the Smart Camp with balloons filled with paint. It wasn't a good day on Atlantis.

Elizabeth laughed as she posted the latest rule. Atlantis really was home to some idiots. She felt completely justified in naming her rules the way that she did. They had more than a few idiotic moments. But she wouldn't have them any other way.

_Now go press that nice little button that say 'Review' and make me very happy!_


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 – Part 15

_Disclaimer: Yep, still don't own anything. Sorry. 'Cause if I did own the series, it'd be hilarious. _

_**Puddle-Jumper38**__: Okay, here's a current list of the Menagerie: Clifford, the Big Red Wolf-Dog (Elizabeth's pet); Polly the Largely Overgrown Parro (A-6's pet)t; Charlotte, the Spider; Squirt, Nemo, Crush and Nigel the East Atlantean Creatures; Cleopatra (A-10's sphinx); Fawkes (A-13's phoenix) and Albus (A-1's phoenix); Smaug (A-19's Dragon), Lorn (the Medical Staff's Dragon) and Sapphira (Ronon's Dragon); Curious George, the Genius Monkey (Rodney/the Smart Camp's pet); the Mogwai (Ronon's pet project); and Felix the Kitty (Woolsey's pet)._

_**Acknowledgements: Amethyst Princess 27**__ for Rules 399, 400 and 401(with some edits)_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__: for Rules 405 and 406._

Elizabeth smiled. Her idiots had just done something really, really stupid. But it was actually really funny from her perspective. However, Colonel Caldwell wasn't too happy with the Atlantis Expedition. She couldn't blame him. He had every right to be.

398. Re-painting the Daedalus is not allowed by the SGC.

A. Dr. Weir refuses to say anything on the matter.

B. Officially, that is.

Atlantis had a lot of extra paint left over from the paint fight and the attempt to redecorate the mess hall. They were all still mad about the Daedalus and the Apollo for bringing back the ships "borrowed" for P.N.C.V.S. Colonel Caldwell had gone to Elizabeth. She hadn't said that she wasn't going to reprimand the base. She didn't really disprove of their actions. They just came up with a good act of revenge. Especially since she had yet to begin her own act of retribution.

399. Using Star Wars quotes when facing Cybermen, or any other alien life force for that matter, is NOT a good idea.

Apparently A-8 thought that using the Force would help them after they had been ambushed.. Carson stressed that matter when the team returned, no one knows exactly what he did but they refuse to talk about it to this day.

400. Neither is making light saber noises while in combat.

A. No, they will not save you either.

That could be explained in one word: Kavanaugh. Well, and Radek too. Elizabeth had immediately gone for the aspirin.

401. Read ancient manuals BEFORE turning anything on!

A. We can't take anymore of the damage. Insurance doesn't exactly apply to this galaxy.

Lorne had activated what appeared to be a blender. Well, i wasn't. Rodney had the device, or rather, what was left of it examined and it turned out to be something closer to a nuclear bomb. Half the city was destroyed. Elizabeth wasn't very happy. Lorne had wisely gone into hiding.

402. Remember where you leave things.

That might have been an innocent enough comment, if they weren't in the Pegasus Galaxy. However, since they were, it took on a whole new meaning. The whole situation come rightly be summed up in saying that, in many cases, people would put something down and forget where they put it. Normally, that was okay. But when it was the control crystal to a cloaking device, that was a whole different story.

403. Panic buttons are allows.

A. And encouraged.

B. Less people will be injured that way.

As a joke, Elizabeth had gotten a Hoops and Yoyo-style panic button as a present from one of the soldiers. Surprisingly, it served her well and had a place of pride on her desk. Shortly thereafter, panic buttons found their ways to Atlantis.

404. Impromptu snow fights are fine.

A. Unless we're in the middle of a crisis.

B. Or if you're off-world.

C. And only if you are willing to face snow-shaped repercussions.

It had snowed on Atlantis, causing much rejoicing amongst the Expedition. There had been several spontaneous snow fights. It turned interesting when Rodney thought he could get away with throwing a snowball at John. He didn't. Ironically, the next time A-1 gated off-world, that planet had a foot of recently laid snow. There had been an all-out snow battle between the two. The natives thought that it looked like a good idea and joined it. Teyla brought back pictures while Ronon brought back a very upset Rodney and a very proud John.

405. A-13 is to be searched for pipes and contraband substances upon returning from M3A-449.

A. They've tried it before.

B. And they've tried to smuggle it to Earth to sell for ridiculous prices.

She did not want anyone else on Atlantis getting high on that stuff, much less people on Earth. Besides, she was sure the prison sentences would be pretty long if they got caught on Earth with it.

406. The Mogwai creatures are not to be allowed to go to M3A-449.

A. They wreak havoc while high.

B. Not even Ronon can control them when they're on drug-induced ramages.

C. They're learning how to cause maximum damage with minimum effort.

D. They know how to set the self-destruct.

E. Do you really want Atlantis to get blown apart? And us with it?

Someone had made the mistake of letting A-13 take their Mogwai with them when they went to M3A-449. It had ended quite terribly, but with spectacular results. There was a brand new Hive ship in the Fleet, with all Wraiths inside completely destroyed.

407. Be careful what souvenirs you take back to Earth with you to visit your families.

They were getting pretty lax lately about what they took back to Earth. A-3 had taken small carved statues they had received as welcoming presents back to show their families while on leave. The families thought they were cool and wanted to know where they had gotten them. A-3 had some quick talking to do, especially since there was a Stargate carved on each of them.

408. Be careful who you let cut your hair.

A. Not everyone is very good at it.

There had been something of a traumatic experience involving A-5, an electric razor and the brilliant idea to shave people heads. It hadn't ended well. Kavanaugh was on the warpath, looking for them, completely bald-headed. No one even tried to help him. They were too entertained by his efforts. A-5 conveniently had the entire base working for them, making Kavanaugh's life difficult.

409. For the love of all things holy, do not touch shiny and sparkly things.

Elizabeth though that they would have learned by now that shiny and/or sparkly things had a penchant for being destructive. However, the fact A-2 had complete shit-eater grins when they came walking back through the 'gate after a routine off-world mission proved otherwise. The planet that they had been on now a brand new crater. She was not amused one bit.

410. Bonfires are only to be built on piers.

A. And not in the middle of the 'gate room.

B. Weren't any of you Boy Scouts?

The Marine Brigade had decided that they wanted to have a bonfire and roast marshmallows. Fortunately, Rodney had overheard them and diverted their chosen spot from the 'gate room to one of the far piers.

411. Use fire safety when dealing with open flames.

Whatever abilities the Expedition had, she doubted that common fire safety knowledge was one of them. It was a good thing that they were on the pier because it could have been a lot worse. Carson, however, was not very happy that he had to deal with burnt palms and singed eyebrows.

412. Do not invite any off-world allies to any Atlantis-based celebrations.

A. Unless Dr. Weir approves.

B. And the SG-C has given similar express consent.

C. We don't want anyone to go home with alcohol poisoning.

To say that Atlantis knew how to throw good alcohol-enhanced parties was the biggest understatement of the year. They had successfully warded off yet another Wraith attack, and saved a whole solar system in the process. The planets of said system were grateful and had become their allies. However, that alliance was almost broken when the Smart Camp had gotten the idea that it would be fun to invite the representatives to stay for the Atlantis celebration, or the "We Just Kicked the Wraith's Butt Again" party, as these parties had been come to be known as. More than half of the representatives had gotten alcohol poisoning. It wasn't a pretty morning after, especially for Elizabeth. But she had blackmail to make things so much better.

413. Depriving geniuses of sugar and caffeine, while entertaining and hilarious, is not good.

A/ Especially when the Wraith attack.

Apparently, her revenge of Rodney and the rest of the Smart Camp had negative effects. They accidentally blew up three labs trying to build a machine that could create coffee for themselves. It wasn't pretty, but George now had a never-ending supply of bananas. So, in the end, it was a win-win situation . . . of sorts.

Sheepishly grinning to herself, Elizabeth posted the new rule and left her office, off to see if she could snag a s'mores from the rumored bonfire out on one the Piers. Clifford lazily slunk out after her.

_Now go press that button that says 'Review' and make an author very happy. If you don't, the monkeys and the goblins will come after you._


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 – Part 16

_Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own it. _

_Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. Here's another up-date to the Idiot's Guide. College caught up with me. Well, that and doing NaNoWriMo (which I totally won!). _

_Anyways, keep posting to the Forum (see my profile page for the link). I like new ideas. They often inspire me._

_**Acknowledgements**__: __**sciencefictionsquirrel**__: Rules 415, 419, 430 and 431. I need more ideas!_

_**Amethyst Princess 27**__: Rules 432 and 433._

After a rather interesting evening of a large majority of the Expedition turning out for a bonfire, Elizabeth really wasn't too surprised when she was adding yet another story to the Idiot's Guide. Sometimes she thought that they did it on purpose.

414. Acting like the Fire Gang from Labyrinth is only permitted while on Atlantis.

A. No singing Chilly Down off-world.

A-2 had had an 80's movie night and they all got extremely attached to the movie, Labyrinth. At the last bonfire, they had acted like the Fire Gang from said movie. Shortly thereafter, they went back to Earth for a few days. While there, they got invited to a cookout and bonfire by one of the team member's family. The evening eventually digressed into the entire team dancing around the bonfire, drunkenly singing the Atlantis version of "Chilly Down."

415. Katie Brown is to be given everything she asks for as far as research is concerned

A. She's trying to engineer an antidote to the M3A-449 drug.

B. Just don't let her actually use the samples of the drug that she's using to test her experimental cures.

Katie had come up with the brilliant idea of creating a serum that could be given to teams before they went to M3A-449 to prevent them from being affect by the drugs. A-13 wasn't too happy about that. This led to the next rule.

416. All teams must be willing to take Dr. Brown's antidote when it is perfected.

A. Except A-13.

They already have enough of a resistance to it that it wouldn't matter much anyway.

Katie had pointed out that, even though her antidote would prevent teams from getting the brunt of the drug, they would still be affected mildly by it. A-13 had been to the planet enough that the antidote would have no affect on their system. Besides, Elizabeth was always entertained when they came back from the planet. They were so mellow.

417. Voluntarily jumping into pools or large bodies of water fully clothed is a bad idea.

A-6 was the culprit here. They had gotten bored while surveying off-world and the planet was really hot. When they had returned to Atlantis, they had made a mad dash to one of the piers and dived into the water, fully clothed. Once Carson and Heightmeyer were certain that they hadn't gone temporarily insane, Elizabeth lectured them about the negative ramifications of jumping, fully clothed into the water. Especially since they didn't exactly know what lived there.

418. Keep shiny objects away from Sapphira.

Ronon recently discovered that his dragon got easily distracted by anything shiny. He wasn't too happy that they got caught in a collapsing cavern when his dragon went after a shiny support and accidentally knocking it over, causing the collapse in the first place.

419. Stop cloning the Menagerie.

A. We do not need an army of animals.

B. How do you plan on feeding the massive amounts of clones anyway?

She didn't know whose idea it had been to begin building an anti-Wraith army of animals by cloning the Menagerie. She thought it was an okay idea, but they didn't really need it.

420. Don't make fun of people who are naturally clumsy and trip over their own feet.

Elizabeth was more than a little surprised when Teyla had come to her with that one. All the Athosian had said was there were certain members of the Expedition who were making fun of another member of the Expedition who was notoriously clumsy.

421. Not all clumsy people are Bella from Twilight.

This rule wasn't as surprising as its predecessor. The book series and the movie were a hit on Earth and it wasn't too long before the fan base found its way onto Atlantis. She had read the books, just to see what the series was all about. However, it scared her when she heard John comment about sparkling vampire and admit to having read the series. Ronon and Rodney were in the vicinity as well. They were just as disturbed as she was and they had shared it with her.

422. The Wraith don't sparkle.

A. Stop trying to prove that they do.

In the Twilight craze, A-10 had made it their personal prerogative to see if the Wraith, as "space vampires," sparkled in direct sunlight. One of their hive ships got blown up in the process. Elizabeth wasn't very happy with them and she made it known when they had limped back to Atlantis.

423. Whips are not standard issue weapons.

Elizabeth wasn't entirely sure where that one came from. The best she could come up with was that some team had watched an Indiana Jones movie lately and had gotten inspired.

424. No one here is allowed to go by the name of Indiana Jones.

A. He's a fictional character.

B. How many times do I have to talk to you about copyright laws?

It was A-1's fault, she now knew. They were sheepishly backing out of the room when Clifford had come slinking around to stand next to her, looking quite threatening.

425. "Nom nom nom" is not a proper response when eating food.

A. Especially when off-world.

Apparently the Marine Brigade had decided that they were going to use the phrase "Nom nom nom" when eating food that they liked. It wasn't until multiple natives starting copying them that Elizabeth had to stop it. They were already corrupting the Pegasus Galaxy enough as is.

426. Adding sparkles to your uniforms, while creative and imaginative, is not allowed.

A new fashion trend hit Atlantis. Elizabeth quickly got tired being overwhelmed with a large amount of sparkles and feathers on jackets, shirts and pants. She was actually glad that she was the leader of the Expedition and the "Master of Atlantis."

427. Jumping up and down while in the transporters is not funny.

A. Some people get freaked out by that.

B. And it's not nice to be mean to the newbies.

A few members of the Marine Brigade and the Smart Camp found out that, if they jumped up and down while in the transporters, said transporters made funny noises and began shaking. Some people didn't appreciate it, especially a few of the newbies. Her office had quickly been flooded by said freaked out people and she was going to have to deal with these complaints.

428. Playing on people's fear is called hazing.

A. Don't do that.

B. It's mean.

C. And we're all in the same boat out here.

She hoped that solved the problem.

429. Wear sunglasses when on sunny away missions.

Carson had a few people come into the infirmary, complaining about eye problems after being on away missions. When he asked about the weather, they had bashfully admitted that the planets that they been on had been extremely sunny. He quickly solved the problem by having her post a rule saying that they had to wear sunglasses on away missions.

430. You are not allowed to strip down the drones from the Jumpers.

A. Not even if you want to mount on weapons satellites.

B. We don't have an infinite supply.

C. And the Jumpers allow for a lot more firing mobility.

The Marine Brigade struck again. Elizabeth had cut in and stopped it when she saw Ronon walk past her office carrying two drones under his arms. She got very concerned, followed him and made him tell her.

431. You are now allowed to use first-person shooter video games that have been modified to use gun-shaped controllers for targeting practice.

A. Thank the Smart Camp.

B. It was their idea.

C. They're the ones who ran it past General O'Neill.

Ronon had been very supportive of their idea. It was a good training program.

432. Any comparison of Elizabeth Weir to the Emily Elizabeth of the elementary show Clifford is strictly forbidden, unless you have an extra limb or two spare.

A. Elizabeth won't like it.

B. Clifford won't like it either.

C. You should know how to swim.

Suddenly, the thought of an angry alien didn't seem really comforting to anyone. Well, A-9 decided to test the patience of their Commander. It didn't end too well for them, actually – it was rather after the hundred or so foot drop off the West Pier. On the bright side – Clifford got some exercise.

433. No matter how cute a kitten or a kitten-like creature is off-world, it is NOT to be brought back to the city.

A. It might be fluffy and innocent now, but give it a few hours – watch it grow a couple of feet.

B. Offering up newbie sacrifices when the creature becomes hungry is not allowed.

C. You bring it home, you feed it.

A-12 was jealous that almost all of the other teams had pets, so it wasn't long until they brought back Whiskers from AXP-227. Without the radiation of the planet's sun, the creature grew. Before long, it got hungry and then was when janitors from the Daedalus began to disappear. Whiskers, now the size of a Water Buffalo, disappeared into the abandoned reaches of the city and hadn't been seen since. The occasional janitor still went missing every once in a awhile, and Elizabeth decided that it was a good idea to look into the story.

With a sigh and a shake of her head, Elizabeth realized just how insane the Expedition could get on a regular basis.

_Now go push that nice happy "Review" button. You will make me very happy! And don't forget to post ideas to the Forum!_


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 – Part 17

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, I would be very happy_

_Remember to put ideas in the Forum (see my profile page to get the link). I find them very helpful and they often inspire new rules from me._

_**Acknowledgments**__: __**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__: Rules 435, 444 and 451. I need more ideas!_

_**Shadowpuff**__: Rule 442_

Another week began on Atlantis and Elizabeth realized that she was most likely going to be posting a whole new set of rules for the Expedition very soon.

434. Hide all espresso beans from McKay.

A. They have bad side effects on him

Apparently Rodney had gotten his hands on some espresso beans. He ended up not sleeping for about four days straight because he kept eating them. Eventually, Ronon full-out tackled him and held him down while Carson sedated him. He was now sleeping off the effects of the beans. He was to be kept off of espresso beans from now on, per Elizabeth's and Carson's rule.

435. Remember what I said about new religions?

A. The full brunt of the Menagerie will be brought to bear against you if you keep starting new religions.

B. We are NOT the Goa-uld.

C. Stop acting like we are.

Apparently, the Expedition had forgotten the past rules about starting new religions. A-13 had gotten high on M3A-449 and then had gone to another world, where they had accidentally killed the village leader when their guns went off. It seemed that the villagers believed that only the gods could kill their leader, and so A-13 had started a new religion.

436. No abandoning Atlantis to rule another planet.

A. Or gods.

A-13 decided that they wanted live it up as gods on the planet where they had started a new religion. They declared the planet an ally of Atlantis and, therefore, Earth. Elizabeth had gotten them back to Atlantis but left the treaty with the planet in place.

437. Keep your happy dances to yourselves, or until you get back to Atlantis.

More than a few teams got excited whenever they did something good. Elizabeth wasn't too happy when they did it off-world.

438. Do not mock Canadians.

A. Rodney will hurt you.

B. Eh.

A few members of the Marine Brigade had mocked Canadians. Rodney had heard. Apparently he spoke fluent French and decided to speak only French until they apologized to him.

439. Do not mess with Dr. Keller.

A. Carson is teaching her all of his ways.

Jennifer Keller had just recently joined the Expedition to help Carson in the Infirmary. The Marines were quickly learning that she could be more needle-happy than Carson was and were just as quickly realizing that it was a bad idea to make her mad.

440. For sake of the sanity of most of the Expedition, don't wear tights to briefings.

A. Or on missions.

B. Or in general.

C. Unless you want everyone to know.

D. Not everyone is David Bowie.

Apparently, A-2 was still very much attached to the movie, Labyrinth. Elizabeth was more than a little shocked when she had walked into a briefing with them before one mission to find all male members of the team wear incredibly tight legging-like pants. The one female member of the team, Wilma Enderson, was grinning broadly, a slightly evil glint in her eyes, in her normal uniform. Elizabeth had written it off as insanity and told them to change for their mission. They didn't. And they went on their mission in said outfits. Not quite an hour later, they came back. The natives hadn't appreciated the pants. The entire Expedition enjoyed mocking them.

441. Breaking and entering is illegal.

A. Unless you leave presents.

B. Then it's okay.

C. Just don't get caught.

The women of Atlantis had started a tradition that, when a new woman would arrive on Atlantis, they would periodically sneak into said woman's room and leave her presents, as a "welcome" to Atlantis. It was also a way for them to pass along the much prized secrets of the women of the expedition without the men knowing, except for the one time that Ronon had seen Elizabeth sneaking out of Jennifer's room about a month after the young doctor had arrived. The Satedan had been concerned, going so far as to alert Jen. Jen had merely smiled and said that it was a secret.

442. Stop getting married off-world

A. Especially to the natives, they don't like divorce!

B. If you HAVE to marry someone, marry someone on the team, you can divorce them when you get back.

C. Team members from the Pegasus Galaxy don't count.

D. You will be protected if you get married to someone of the same gender.

Elizabeth was getting very tired of random marriages occurring. They seemed to be happening with more and more frequent. Last week, John had accidentally (on purpose) married Rodney, just to see what everyone would say. The week before that, it had been one of the A-2 boys and a botanist that they had taken on mission with them. It wasn't good.

443. Invisibility cloaks are not sanctioned projects.

Radek, Jen and Ronon had been talking one day. The two Terrans began to nerd out on Harry Potter, specifically the fact that they both thought that invisibility cloaks would be cool. Ronon wanted one. Radek began to work on one. Things got progressively worse from there, particularly when the scientist wanted to start testing. Ronon was more than happy to comply and Jen was all too happy to patch up all the people who got injured by the large warrior's "sneak attacks."

444. Stay well clear of Charlotte's corridor.

A. She's trying to raise her young.

B. She's violent.

C. She nearly killed John.

As it turned out, Charlotte was capable of storing embryos from previous matings and was able to bring them to term on a whim. The Expedition now had to deal with fifty young spiders and an overprotective mother who tried to kill anyone who got too close, with the exception of Ronon, for whatever reason. Ronon wanted to keep the babies, but Elizabeth had decided that, once the young ones were old enough, they would be released back on Charlotte's home world.

445. Covertly attacking people with paintball guns is not allowed.

A. Especially since paintball guns are prohibited.

A lieutenant had made a snide comment to Jen about her competency during one of his routine post-mission check-ups. For whatever reasons, Ronon and Radek were both in the room and had been offended by him. Three weeks later, the lieutenant was periodically assaulted and covered from head to toe with paint, obviously shot from paintball guns. However, there was no one around. Elizabeth suspected that it had something to do with the unholy alliance that had formed between the three during the whole invisibility cloak incident, but she had no concrete evidence.

446. Assassin is a fun game.

Elizabeth had decided, to boost moral, there was going to be an Atlantis-wide game of Assassin, using socks as their weapons of choice. She just didn't expect it to get so intense, though she had thankfully kept herself out of the game. Rodney had just taken down an explosives expert in a very creative way.

447. "Yo Mama" jokes are not appropriate off-world.

Damn A-10 for being all-male!

448. Bullets bounce!

A. Teal'c and General O'Neill will attest to that.

B. Don't be stupid!

Of course, she had hoped that nothing would happen and things would go smoothly when A-2 and A-13 went on mission together. Really, she shouldn't have gotten her expectations up. Then again, she gave Wilma and Sean props for keeping Anne from using up all of her ammo when they got locked in a room with stone walls. Apparently, the natives hadn't been smart enough to take the guns away from them and the normally calm captain had been hyped up on a few too many espresso beans and had decided to bust them all out, not remembering that bullets bounce.

449. Captain Dyson joins Rodney on the list of people who are not allowed to eat espresso beans.

That list was getting longer and longer. If it weren't for the fact that it improved the abilities of some people, she would have banned them by now.

450. Manifest destiny is no excuse.

A. Really, you should know better by now.

John had used that excuse when he had led the Fleet's attack against the armada of aggressive natives. The population of P4S-993 had apparently thought that Atlantis was a threat and were planning on attacking soon. Atlantis did get two really cool striker ships out of the thing. Still, Elizabeth had to play the mean leader on that one.

451. From now on, don't feed the Mogwai peanut butter.

A. It makes their fur fall off.

B. It also temporarily bestows them with human-level intelligence.

C. Their violent nature combined with that intelligence boost is a dangerous combination.

Rodney had fed some of the Mogwai peanut butter and had subsequently spent the next five hours trying to keep them from destroying the city. As it was, they hijacked two Jumpers and had gone on a bombing run over the mainland, trying to destroy everything until the effects of the peanut butter had worn off. Elizabeth wasn't happy. Rodney was doing clean-up.

452. No, you may not get Earth-based businesses to sponsor any ship in the Fleet.

A. Plausible deniability, anyone?

The Marine Brigade had really struck again. They had wanted to start the equivalent to NASCAR in space. Elizabeth had kyboshed that one before it could even get back to Earth. There was no way in hell that the SGC was ready to reveal the existence of the Stargate and Atlantis to the rest of the planet yet. Besides, they didn't need sponsors to make them race ships from the Fleet anyway. They did that anyway, just for fun.

453. Yo-yos are now officially weapons.

A. Just don't use them on each other.

B. And only use them in case of emergency.

A-1 had been off-world. They had gotten in trouble (as usual). John had his yo-yo on him. Ronon had used it as a weapon. And that was that.

454. No more asking where the Yellow Brick Road is.

All of the teams had started to do this. She didn't want to know, really.

455. The Tok'ra need to be supervised while on Atlantis.

A. The Menagerie has issues with them.

B. Especially Anise.

C. Both galaxies will thank you for that.

The Tok'ra had been complaining about how they wanted to see Atlantis, so they finally got to visit. Anise had been very interested in taking the Menagerie away from them to try and turn into warriors for the Tok'ra. Having already gone through issues with the whole cloning thing, the Menagerie had reacted in a very bad way. The Expedition had supported them. Anise and the rest of the Tok'ra weren't happy. Everyone else was.

A knock on her office door drew Elizabeth out of her thoughts as she posted the latest rule. She looked up to see John staring at her, concern very evident in his eyes.

"What happened?" she asked, in an exasperated tone.

"Well, you see, Anise got paint-balled . . ."

Groaning, she logged off her computer and got up to deal with the situation at hand.

_You've read the chapter, now go review and make me a very happy college kid! And post ideas to the forum. If you do, I might get the next chapter up quicker._


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 – Part 18

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own nothing! Zip. Zero. Zilch. Don't sue me._

_I apologize for the shortness of the chapter, but hopefully it'll all be worth it. :) Just remember to review and post any ideas to the forum. I love ideas. They create fun adventures for all (especially Atlantis). _

_**Chaos-Babe**__: You'll see your suggestion in the next chapter. *giggle* It was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for that! _

_**Acknowledgements:**__**Amethyst Princess**__: Rule 460._

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__: Rules 462, 466, and 467._

Elizabeth wanted to bang her head on the wall. She had just seen the Tok'ra off, taking a very pissed-off Anise with them. The entire Expedition was happy to see them go. She had to say, the blonde Tok'ra had had it coming, especially after she had seen the Fleet and the fact that they had managed to take control of Wraith ships. As a result, she had begun to inquire at the technology that they had used to do so, immediately finding flaws in just about everything that had been used. A nagging feeling at the back of her mind told her who might have been involved.

456. Don't piss off the Assassins.

Everyone had started to call the people behind the paintball attacks that. Even though the attacks had died down on the snarky lieutenant, the Assassins had periodically attacked people who did something offensive. It was becoming an increasing threat on base that the Assassins were coming after them. The whole Anise event had secured their reputation for a very long time.

The thing was, no one knew who the Assassins really were. It was scary.

457. Be nice. Share chocolate.

A. Does this really need another rule?

John hadn't. Jen couldn't been held responsible for her actions. Elizabeth suddenly realized that it might have been very dangerous for the doctor to be trained by Ronon.

458. Glow sticks aren't allowed off-world

A-10 had done that. It was bad. A priest had seen the glow sticks when they had accidentally broken. The team had been chased off-planet. In some way, Elizabeth wasn't surprised. They did have a reputation to maintain.

459. Don't give piggy back rides off-world.

A. Unless someone is injured.

B. The natives will think that you're crazy.

C. And chase you off-world.

Jen had gone off-world when Rodney had "injured" himself. The Wraith had come to cull the planet and A-1 got into a firefight. A-1 had won. Natives were injured and Jen went into doctor-mode. By the time that she finished, she was exhausted. Ronon went into protector-mode and had carried her back to the gate on his back. Unfortunately, they had to walk through the native's village. No one in A-1 thought it was weird, since Ronon had been giving piggy back rides to Jen since he had started to train her. The natives were freaked out.

460. Pac-man is not allowed in the Atlantean database

A. There is not enough memory space.

B. The software didn't exist when the city was built.

C. The last two people who played disappeared.

Part of the Science Camp had gotten bored one night and had loaded it onto the Atlantean system. It was going fairly well . . . until Ken had gotten cornered by a bunch of ghosts. There was no escape. The city had been under the control of three power-hungry digital phantoms for four days. Rodney had eventually hacked into the database and regained control of the city. The scientists had long since learned their lesson.

461. Don't mess with the Three Musketeers.

Radek, Jen, and Ronon had an unholy alliance, everyone knew it. They even had a name, a logo, and a theme song.

462. You are not allowed to get revenge on a member of the Menagerie if the aforementioned member of the Menagerie attacks your member of the Menagerie.

A. Unless your pet gets killed

B. If it is only wounded, revenge is not allowed.

Whiskers had apparently gotten into a fight with Charlotte. Charlotte had won, but Whiskers had been rescued before Charlotte could kill it. A-12 was protesting Charlotte's continued presence on Atlantis because of the danger and had even tried to assassinate the spider on multiple occasions. Elizabeth had merely responded that at least Charlotte hadn't killed anyone, unlike Whiskers, who they had positively identified as the janitor-killer when they found an abandoned room that Whiskers had been using that was filled with gnawed-on human bones.

463. Declaring that you are a "unicorn" is not an excuse for getting out of a mission.

A. Don't even think about it, John.

A-13 had. They failed. Miserably.

464. No more ghost stories off-world!

All the teams were guilty of this one. It was going a little too far. According to Teyla, they had created at least six religions based on ghost stories. Elizabeth really could go for a shot of tequila at the moment.

465. "Are you dead yet?" is a good question to ask an enemy.

A. Even after you shot him or her to bits.

B. Especially after you've shot him or her to bits.

A-1 had run into a band of unfriendly aliens that could regenerate. When they came racing back through the gate (under heavy fire), John and Ronon found that, while it was a semi-ridiculous question to ask, it was actually necessary in some cases. She quickly added it to the list.

466. Don't use the Fleet to run a protection racket on other worlds.

A. That's not what we stand for.

B. We aren't mobsters, and this isn't a futuristic '80s movie.

C. We don't extort supplies from other civilizations in exchange for protecting them from the Wraith.

D. We protect them anyways.

A few of the teams had started using the Fleet to threaten other worlds with attack unless the natives gave them all sorts of supplies, in which case the Fleet would protect the world from the Wraith. Elizabeth had been informed of this by Ronon, who felt it was a dishonorable, disrespectful thing to do. He received something of a promotion as a reward, which led to the next rule.

467. Ronon is now in charge of the regulation of all weapons and ships.

A. You must check them out from him with a large stack of paperwork detailing exactly what you are planning on doing with the ship or weapons, a mission timeline, and how many ships or weapons you require.

B. He has every right to refuse the request, as he is acting on Dr. Weir's and Colonel Sheppard's authority.

C. He also has to file a report detailing what requests he's approved, and which ones he's denied, along with a reason for the approval or denial.

D. If his action in regards to the requests are found to be unreasonable, they can be overturned.

E. But you have to go through Ronon first.

It was a good idea (she hoped). Maybe, just maybe, it would actually semi-work. If not, she had no idea what they would do. The Expedition was getting very bad at the use of their Fleet.

468. Tickle fights are not allowed off-world.

A-10 had struck yet again. Elizabeth was really starting to wonder why she still kept them together. With all the trouble they caused, it was a small miracle they were all still alive and in one piece. Though, she had come to realize, it was the same way with several other teams.

469. Cute faces will get you nowhere.

John had tried to pout his way out of meetings back on Earth. She had seen right through his act and sent him back anyway. He was very grumpy.

470. Chocolate fudge is the best make-up gift.

A. Women love it.

B. Use it!

C. We're throwing you a bone here!

D. Really, guys. We should have to tell you this!!!

Carson had said something and had hurt Laura's feelings. She had stopped talking to him. Ronon had offended Jen. She refused to continue patching him up. John was John. Teyla was ready to kill him. Elizabeth decided to be the mediator and help out the clueless men. She had add the extra exclamation points for good measure

471. Hamster dance – just no.

Rodney really needed a girlfriend. And less time around the Smart Camp.

472. Keep all weirdness to a necessary minimum.

A. The President is coming.

B. We want him to like us.

C. Be on your best behavior.

D. You will be rewarded if you do.

Elizabeth shook her head as she added the last rule. The Atlantis Expedition really had come a long way since they had arrived. She could only hope that they could get their collective act together and keep it together with they had visitors.

_Yay! Another chapter. __Did you like it? Go to that lovely little button that says, 'Review,' an tell me! Don't forget to add ideas to the forum. You will let the starved college kid live for another day! And get ready for the next chapter full of rules regarding the insanity of a __P__residential visit, including messing with the Secret Service and A-13 sneaking someone to M4X-449 (aka the pipe planet_)_. (insert evil laugh here) _


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 – Part 19_ (The Presidential Visit)_

_Well, here we go. New stuff. ENJOY! It's going to detail some of the acts of nuttiness that occur during the President's visit to our favorite city in anther Galaxy. It's not going to be longest thing in the world, but it should be funny._

_**Disclaimer**__: Still don't own it . . . _

_**Chaos-Babe**__: Thank you! Thank you very much. That made me chuckle so much when I read it!_

_**Acknowledgements**__: __**Chaos-Babe**__: Rule 479. _

It had been a long week and a half. The President's visit had been very . . . colorful, to say the least. The Wraith and the Genii had decided it would be a good idea to launch back-to-back attacks. And that was on top of the normal craziness of Atlantis. After the Wraith attack, her last rule didn't really matter all that much. Needless to say, the Commander-in-Chief of the U.S. military got a very good idea of the insanity of their lives.

473. Jumper wake-boarding is no longer allowed.

A-3 had started it. A-1, A-2, A-10, A-13, A-17, and A-20 all joined in. They even got the President to do it, much to the chagrin of the Secret Service. Elizabeth had wanted to try it but being the leader of the Expedition when they had guests meant that she couldn't. Besides, Carson had put a stop to it before she could get in on it. Clearly, landing the head of your nation into the infirmary wasn't a good idea.

474. Heads of state are not to be taken hostage for P.N.C.V.S. Fleet battles.

A. Do you want him to shut us down?

B. Even if he thinks it's funny?

C. This is normal for us. Not for the usual Earth military.

Once again, the fact that they were living in an entirely different galaxy was obvious. Though the President thought it was quaint, though borderline insane. They were being their usual intense P.N.C.V.S. selves.

475. Messing with the Secret Service is totally okay.

A. They have to be ready for everything!

Once kidnapping the President was out of the question, they had to get their kicks out somehow. Elizabeth had issued the silent order to keep the Secret Service on their toes. She decidedly ignored Rule 472. It was useless, at this point. Besides, it was fun to see their looks of panic every time something went wrong or an alert came from the labs.

476. The Menagerie is now the officially recognized fighting force of the Atlantis Expedition.

A. By order of the President of the United States.

After a while, the Secret Service got tired of the Menagerie exacting their own form of fun on them. They were especially scared of Clifford, who still hung around Elizabeth all the time.

477. Anise is NOT a nymphomaniac stripper who gave a blow-job to the wrong Tok'ra's husband, so STOP setting her up with natives!

A. Even if she actually went through with it.

B. ESPECIALLY if she went through with it.

C. There will be NO setting up a repeat, no matter WHAT both parties are saying.

D. We aren't pimps, people!

E. The President is here!

Maybe it was a little retroactive, but Elizabeth felt that it was necessary. Especially considering the fact that the President was there. And he had caught wind of that little rumor. Atlantis was getting very bad!

478. Captain Dyson, Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Keller, and Ronon are allowed to do rescue missions together.

Three days before the President was scheduled to leave, he had asked to go off-world. She had agreed, sending him and a contingent of Secret Service with A-1 and A-6 to a relative safe world, figuring that everything would be honky-dory. Turns out said world wasn't too safe. The Genii showed up and captured most of them, injuring a few. Ronon and Anne were the only ones who got out. Twelve hours after arriving back on Atlantis, they had gotten Jen and Radek to join them in a rescue attempt. They were successful and Jen didn't even get hurt.

The President was going to have them recognized as a crack fighting force and had their numbers on speed dial. Apparently, they were going to have weekly conference calls. Elizabeth shouldn't be too shocked at that.

479. The Three Musketeers have been re-named as the Alliance.

A. Don't make them mad.

B. Remember when the Tok'ra visited?

C. And who they rescued recently?

D. And the Assassins?

She wanted that out there from the get-go. The President hadn't even left yet. Some of the soldiers and scientists were giving them grief for their "special treatment." Elizabeth didn't want anyone to die.

480. Glomping. Bad.

Really? They should know better. A-13 had decided to glomp A-19 when they came back through the 'gate from a routine mission. Three broken bones later, Carson and Jen were both mad as anything. And Elizabeth was facing a lecture about the conduct of the Expedition. Secretly, she was excited about it, since it had taken them that long to make the President crack and get really frustrated with their antics.

481. 'Hail to the Chief' is cute but annoys some people after a while.

The entire city was sad that the President was leaving soon. They had forgotten to mention that Atlantis was sentient. She had taken to playing 'Hail to the Chief' every time he entered a room.

482. From here on out, all Earth delegates must be informed that Atlantis is sentient before arrival in the city.

A. Guys, the President asked for this one.

Yeah, like would actually happen. Maybe they would mention it in passing. But it wouldn't be at the very top of their to-do list.

483. No taking people to M4X-449 who haven't been inoculated.

A. It's funny for us.

B. Because we've seen it before.

A-13 had a regularly scheduled visit to M4X-449. They had cordially invited the President, who was intrigued by their stories of the planet. By the time the Secret Service had realized that M4X-449 and A-13 were always an interesting combination, it was too late. When they came walking back through the gate a few hours later, totally high, Elizabeth did what she always did when A-13 came back from 449.

She locked them in the commissary with lava lamps, videos of Charlie the Unicorn, and munchies. Carson had a hard time believing her until he saw it for himself. He couldn't stop laughing afterwards. Once he got inoculated, it only took the President 36 hours to come down off of his high, though he still giggled when someone mentioned the Banana King.

484 Adorable can win anyone over.

A. Word to the wise.

As consolation for surviving his visit on Atlantis without going insane, A-1 had found a small, fox-like creature that could double as a cat or something like that for the President. The animal's big eyes and general adorableness had won him over and let him forgive all the nuttiness that was Atlantis. Artemis was very attached to her new owner and was going back to Earth with him.

485. NO MOCK BATTLES WITH THE FLEET WHEN WE HAVE GUESTS!

A. You're going to give someone a heart attack.

B. Especially if they aren't used to the Fleet.

C. We are used to it. Everyone else from Earth isn't.

D. Really?

E. You should know better by now.

The looks on the faces of the entire Secret Service when they had seen the ship had been quite funny really. They were even more perturbed when she had turned to them, gave them a manic grin, and stated, quite convincingly, that Atlantis was its own country and they would fight.

The Jumpers within the Fleet gave it all away. Eventually. The Secret Service laughed. Half-heartedly.

486. The Yellow Submarine is now officially sanctioned.

One of the Jumpers that had been used in the mock fight had been the one that had been painted bright yellow by the Samurai and had been affectionately nicknamed the Yellow Submarine. The President had gotten a kick out of it.

487. Atlantis is now recognized as its own state and ethnicity within the United States.

A. And all other countries with delegates in the Expedition.

B. Just remember to put down your ID code on paperwork.

C. We don't want people copying us!

D. The government will understand.

E. WE TOTALLY WON!

Officially, they were all still citizens of their native countries. However, they were allowed identify that they were Lanteans when filling out censuses, taxes, and the like. They just had to send it all to special offices who had clearance to process them. The reasoning, she was later told by General O'Neill, was that it would help when they revealed the existence of the Stargate Program and Atlantis to the world.

Atlantis so ruled!

488. What have we said about fireworks?

A. And pyros?

They had wanted to make the President's last night memorable. Though, to be fair, Anne _had_ gotten the fireworks away from Joshua before he injured himself or anyone else.

489. Overloading 'gate systems is not always the Smart Camp's fault.

And it wasn't . . . this time. They had a bug in the system left over from the great Pac Man scare. When they were preparing to dial Earth, said bug overloading the system. It had been quite a spectacular explosion. If the situation wasn't borderline dire and the President didn't need to be back on Earth the next day for meetings, she would have laughed. She then had to explain why they had Pac Man on Atlantis and that she had made a rule forbidding any more Pac Man.

490. Yes, it's true.

A. The President now gets updates of the Idiot's Guide.

B. Scary.

He found it intriguing. Having heard about it for so long, it only made sense that he actually read it. She hoped he got a chuckle. Maybe they would make more sense now.

491. Would the Alliance please keep better eye on the alcohol?

A. It's your fault if it gets stolen.

B. Especially by the SGC.

C. Or the Genii.

D. Or the Wraith.

E. Or the Secret Service.

F. It's for Atlantis and Atlantis alone!

Radek's alcohol mill and stash was becoming quite well-known throughout both galaxies. The only ones that they had willingly given any to was the Secret Service for all the crap that they had to deal with during The Visit. It was a kindness and a gesture of good-will between the two organizations. Unfortunately, the SGC had not been very happy when the Secret Service had brought some back. The stuff was legend around there. How the Genii and the Wraith managed to get their hands on it, she didn't want to think about.

Now it was the Alliance's job to make sure it was kept safe.

Elizabeth rubbed the bridge of her nose as she posted the last rule. She was so relieved that the President was safely back on Earth. Her life could back to its normal insanity now. Though she had no idea what would happen next.

CRASH! "DAMMIT, RODNEY!"

She grinned. Oh yeah, a new rule was so coming soon!

_And that was the epic Presidential chapter. Now go review and make me feel good about the giggles I've caused. I'll give you cookies if you do. _


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 – Part 20

_Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Clearly._

_Guess what? In this chapter, the rules surpass (ta dah!) 500! Woah! Can you believe it? Also, I apologize for any continuity mistakes and such that I might have made. _

The large amount of fudge that the Smart Camp had given her was so not worth the monster headache that they had caused. Though, to be fair, it was mostly John and Rodney's fault.

492. If it says "DANGEROUS," then, by God, it is dangerous.

Rodney needed a larger label-maker. Preferably one with bright colors. Though how John had managed to be turned into a woman was hysterical.

493. Safety Dance – No. Just no.

Someone (she didn't want to think who) had managed to download the Safety Dance into the Atlantis mainframe. Then, due to a computer glitch, the song started playing pretty much every ten minutes for three days straight. It got so bad that Ronon had taken the entire Menagerie and sequestered himself (with the Menagerie) on one of the Hive ships. It had taken the rest of the Alliance to get him off, after swearing that they would track down whoever had gotten the song.

John went into hiding.

494. Hackey sacks are not allowed off-base.

A. They will cause damage.

A-4 had been behind that one. They had gotten extremely bored one day on a seemingly routine trade mission and had started to play with Sgt. O'Malley's hackey sack. It had ended badly. Three natives broke their legs and Sgt. O'Malley now had to pay for a whole case of hackey sacks to be sent to that world.

495. Instruction manuals are meant to be read.

A. Don't be afraid to use them.

B. They might actually help you.

C. And save the Smart Camp from having to fix the problem you caused.

Suffice to say, when setting up the new large screen, plasma TV that General O'Neill had so generously supplied them with in the mess hall, John and Evan Lorne thought that they knew what they were doing. Four hours later, when Evan hadn't shown up for his mission briefing, Elizabeth got concerned. Upon walking into the mess hall, she saw the two military officers (a Lt. Colonel and a Major respectively!), totally wrapped up in wires, she had to laugh. It was a very Wall-worthy moment.

496. Alf must stay on his own planet.

A. Felix and Cleo don't like him.

Turns out Alf actually does exist. And he lives in the Pegasus Galaxy. Half of Atlantis wanted to bring him to base and have him stay with the Expedition. Lucky for the rest of the base (and Earth), Woolsey was visiting them, and he had brought Felix along with him. Between Felix and Cleo, Alf was lucky to make it out of Atlantis alive.

497. NO SKY-DIVING!

A. Unless you have the appropriate equipment.

B. And clear it with Dr. Weir.

C. Beaming people out mid-jump does not count as 'safety measures.'

The Cowboys and the Pirates were to blame for that. They were getting quite reckless.

498. Holographic chess is only acceptable if said holograms do not actually hurt people.

The Smart Camp had gotten REALLY bored. So, in a fit of creativity (and a lot of help from George), Rodney had rigged a way of holographic chess, based on Wizard Chess from Harry Potter. However, he had made it a little _too_ real. People started landing in the infirmary. Carson was not very happy. Rodney discovered that an angry Scotsman was a lot scarier than a Wraith Queen. And it only took him how long?

499. Ladies, lay off the Glee addiction.

A. We know you love it.

Glee was the latest phenomenon on Atlantis. It had taken them a few months to patch a relay to Earth and to get caught up on all of the episodes.

500. Kidnapping the cast of _Twilight_ and introducing them to the Wraith is not allowed.

A. Even if they were in no real danger.

B. Or you wanted to compare notes on vampires.

C. Or if you want to shave their heads.

D. What have I said about shaving people's heads?

John said it was a training exercise. Rodney said it was for scientific purposes. Teyla and Ronon played the alien card. Elizabeth had to deal with a cast of traumatized celebrities, especially one Robert Pattinson, who seemed especially affected when the Ninjas had kidnapped him and shaved his head.

501. The SGC would like to remind us that Atlantis is still classified.

The _Twilight_ caper hadn't gone unnoticed.

502. No web-camming in the 'Gate room.

A. Your friends and families do NOT have clearance.

The Smart Camp had figured out how to use the satellite relays used to keep in contact with Earth to allow the Expedition to talk to their loved ones back on Earth on a regular basis. The bad part? More than a few people had web-cammed in the 'Gate room. That took a lot of explaining to clean up.

503. Atlantis does not need postage stamps.

John had thought that it would be a good idea. Elizabeth hadn't. Besides, they already had enough merchandise as it was.

504. When off-world, observe the religious practices of the natives.

A. Whenever possible, blend in and make friends.

B. But don't do anything stupid.

C. Or do anything permanent.

The Alliance had gone off-world as a "bonding" exercise. Turns out, the world they went to was in the middle of a big festival. And the natives weren't too keen on the fact that the Alliance was dressed differently than they were. So, when the four came walking back through the 'Gate, matching cat-like grins on their faces, dressed in togas and identical tattoos on their biceps, Elizabeth wanted to face-palm.

Though, to be fair, they had designed the tattoo themselves (albeit mostly on the fly, to save face). Radek had justified it as their "Clan Symbol." This immediately led to the next rule.

505. Teams are not allowed to get team tattoos.

A-10 and A-13 had promptly asked to go to the planet that the Alliance had just came from. When Elizabeth had said no, they asked for leave to go back to Earth. She shot it down.

506. You may only surf on the Mainland shores.

John had decided he wanted to try his hand at surfing. So he went to the North Pier. It had ended when the EAC had migrated up and thought they would join him. He ended up in the Infirmary for a week, nursing a broken leg, a fractured wrist, and two black eyes.

507. Hookah is hereby banned from Atlantis.

A. We already have enough adventures from 449!

The Marine Brigade was behind that one. She had to stop them, especially when Colonel Caldwell had seen a rise in hookah being brought to Atlantis. Elizabeth didn't need A-13 to be high ALL the time.

508. Silly Stringing the _Daedalus_ is not allowed.

A. It's not nice!

B. Stop it!

The Expedition was quite upset about losing hookah. They took it badly and, as a result, the _Daedalus_ had "mysteriously" been Silly Stringed. Neither Elizabeth nor Colonel Caldwell were very amused by their reactions.

509. Only play Hop-Scotch on Atlantis.

A-6 had struck again. Though, to be fair, Anne _had_ just found out that she was pregnant and the team had wanted to celebrate. But the natives had thought that it was some sort of ritual dance from Earth and had promptly begged to be taught. A-6 had effectively corrupted an entire civilization with a children's game.

510. Be nice to pregnant members of Expedition.

A. Especially if they're military

B. General O'Neill had to pull a LOT of strings to keep them here.

C. So did the President

D. We don't want to lose them.

E. Especially Alliance members.

Since Anne's husband was a native of the Pegasus Galaxy, it only made sense that she remain on Atlantis.

511. No experimental testing on pregnant ladies.

A. Even if it's for their own protection off-world.

Elizabeth had had a long talk with Anne about her off-world status now that she was pregnant. Anne had been concerned about her child's safety and had been perfectly fine with being put on restricted duty, especially considering it was probationary. After all, she was the first Earth Expedition member to have a baby and she was an Air Force officer, so the whole thing was blown wide open.

But the Smart Camp had wanted to see if they could rig up something to protect her while she was off-world. Anne flat-out refused.

512. Keep all surprise parties a secret.

A. It's no fun if the person for whom the party is being planned finds out.

B. Or if you get caught doing something stupid in preparation for the party.

The Expedition had wanted to have an early baby shower for Anne and her husband. Except they wanted to get supplies from Earth and they didn't want to wait for the _Daedalus_ to get back. So they decided to take the Fleet to Earth to buy supplies. Elizabeth warned Earth this time, just to be kind. Except Anne found out when Radek had called her from Earth asking what her favorite color was. That kind of gave it away.

Well, that and the fact that Jen, Ronon, and Radek had parked a Hive ship on Earth to some shopping for presents. Of all the people to blow the Stargate secret, she would not have pegged the Alliance for that one.

As she loaded the last rule, her ear-piece buzzed.

"Yes?" she asked, tentatively.

"Hey, Elizabeth," John's voice came. "The President just contacted us. He wants to talk to you."

She sighed. This was not going to be fun. "I'll be right there, John."

"Just so you're warned, he wants to know what to buy for Anne."

With a chuckle, Elizabeth left her office, Clifford close on her heels.

_Hope you liked this chapter. I certainly had a lot of fun writing it. Now, go push that lovely button that says "Review" and give love! And don't forget to send me ideas for Rules to add to this. I'll try to get another chapter up soon!_


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 – Part 21

_Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own anything. Drat._

_A bit of a belated Happy 4__th__ of July to my fellow Americans. Hope you had a great day and didn't try to impersonate anyone from the Marine Brigade and blow things up. _

_Don't forget to review and submit ideas (either in the review or on the Forum). _

_A bit of a cliffhanger last chapter. Did they reveal the Stargate Program? Well, you'll just have to read and find out. _

_**Acknowledgements: sciencefictionsquirrl: for Rules 517, 518, and 519**_

_**Chaotic Monkey Overlord: for Rules 527, 527, and 528**_

All in all, Earth seemed to be handling the cover story fairly well. Due to some quick thinking from the President and Jack, they had issued the story that the Hive ship was a prototype ship for intergalactic travel. Technically, she supposed, it was true. But still, she had to have a talking to with Jen, Ronon, and Radek when they got back to Atlantis.

513. The Alliance is on restricted duty until after Captain Dyson's baby is born and she is back from maternity leave.

Hopefully, that would give them time to think. Ronon especially seemed sad at the prospect of no rescue missions for a few months. But he sucked it up and dealt with it quite admirably, particularly since, as Jen pointed out, he could use the time to prepare to be "Uncle Ronon" to Anne's baby.

514. No dressing up as the Village People when off-world.

A. What you do in your free time is up to you.

Sheer boredom had led A-3 and A-11 to do so when they had gone off-world on a joint mission. Elizabeth hadn't been please when they had come running back through the 'Gate under heavy fire. The rest of the Expedition made it their prerogative to mock the two teams incessantly.

515. You are only allowed to shoot Skeet off of the South Pier

A. Not in the 'Gate room.

B. Or heavily populated areas.

C. Ronon will come find you.

D. And the Menagerie will back him.

E. And the Alliance.

F. They are restricted to Atlantis.

The Marine Brigade had decided to get a few trap sets shipped to Atlantis. After trying to shoot Skeet in heavily populated areas (with very little success), Elizabeth had assigned them the South Pier. They got out of hand (again) and a few people were sent to the infirmary. Ronon had quietly told her that he could easily take care of it – with some back up from the Alliance and the Menagerie, of course. She had quickly approved. Nothing scared the Expedition more.

516. Stop fighting about the Yankees.

A. Or the Red Sox.

B. There are a lot of people on the base who don't like either team.

C. Respect them.

D. Even you don't like the teams.

Baseball season was in full swing back on Earth. The die-hard fanatics had come out. A few fights had been instigated. Carson and Jen were not very happy.

517. Ronon is the only one who is allowed to breed the Mogwai.

A. He knows how to handle them.

It turned out that someone had tried to breed their Mogwai and had been unable to take care of the offspring, which had gone wild around the time of the President's visit. As a result, they had spawned a host of new (albeit belated rules) as well.

518. Do not attempt to sell the Mogwai to the Secret Service to protect the President.

A. They may be amazing bodyguards, but did you ever think of how hard explaining them to normal people on Earth would be?

B. They're Ronon's pet project, remember?

Someone, it was unknown who, had attempted to negotiate a deal whereby the Secret Service would receive Mogwai recruits as they reached maturity and had graduated from Ronon's training during the President's visit. They got caught. It was also proven that another Mogwai-related rules was very necessary.

519. The Mogwai now fall under the category of weapons and must therefore be requisitioned through Ronon.

A. This had better be the last Mogwai-related rule!

B. They really are starting to seem like the Mogwal from _Gremlins_ – with a whole list of instructions.

Elizabeth had felt it was necessary to institute a new rule to prevent another incident where someone tried to sell the Mogwai's services. Knowing the Expedition as she did, someone would eventually (invariably) start selling them to natives of other planets in preventive measures weren't taken.

520. Chuck Norris is not a god.

The "Chuck Norris facts" had made their way out to Atlantis and, subsequently, to the rest of the Pegasus Galaxy. As a result, five different planets now had the facts as the testament in their new religions.

521. There are precious few things in this universe that CAN beat Chuck Norris.

A. The Menagerie and the Alliance are among them.

The Expedition had a very bad habit of picking up on ideas and quite literally running with them. Chuck Norris was one of those things. Elizabeth could only hope that, this time, they didn't go to Earth, kidnap him, and bring him to Atlantis for a visit. She sorely did NOT want to have that debriefing.

522. Betty White IS the supreme power of the Universe.

A. She beats the Menagerie.

B. And the Alliance.

C. And Chuck Norris.

D. There is no other besides her.

Jen had gotten Ronon hooked on The Golden Girls. Radek and Anne had conversed with them over dinner one evening about Betty White. Ronon had quickly deemed Betty White the "ultimate warrior" and his new hero. Half of the Expedition had overheard and it quickly became an unwritten rule of Atlantis that Betty White pretty much ruled the universe.

523. Bubbles are only permitted in bath tubs.

Atlantis had woken up one morning to find half of the city covered in bubbles. They had quickly tracked the source to one of the labs. Apparently one of the projects that Rodney and George had been working on had gotten a little out of hand, resulting in a ridiculous amount of bubbles.

After making sure that the bubbles were cleaned up, Elizabeth had decided that she needed to make sure that no one tried to repeat their experiment.

524. If there are seat belts, use them!

As a gag, a couple of the Vikings had installed racecar-style seat belts into a few of the Jumpers. Turns out, those seat belts were actually very useful in preventing injuries.

525. Yes, we do have to pay taxes for be Lanteans.

A. Suck it up and deal with it.

B. It's not a whole lot.

After Atlantis was declared its own state, the I.O.A. had gotten a little snippy, especially since the new Lanteans didn't actually have to pay any taxes. So, after a long conversation with the President, Jack, and Woolsey, Elizabeth declared that each member of the Expedition had to pay a token tax. Said tax mostly went to compensate the people who had to process their paperwork specially and separately.

As a result, some of the taxes that they had to pay otherwise were reduced. Besides, they were technically in another galaxy, so it wasn't like they had to make mortgage payments.

526. Idiots are not useless.

A. They're great entertainment

B. They also make the Guide possible.

When a visiting general had referred to A-13 as nothing more than a "bunch of useless idiots," their feelings had been hurt. Elizabeth had to make them feel better somehow.

527. Appreciate the idiots.

A. Without them, what would we watch?

A-13 had specifically requested this after they had single-handedly provided entertainment from the entire Atlantis Expedition during a Pac-Man black-out and had ended up in the infirmary with the same visiting general who had, once again, managed to hurt their feelings.

528. Disobeying rules 526 and 527 will result in temporarily being reassigned to A-13.

A. Just ask Rodney.

B. John will agree.

The rule pretty much spoke for itself.

529. Keep the Slip-and-Slides away from all visiting delegates.

A. Especially non-Earth delegates.

B. AND Earth delegates.

C. Except for General O'Neill.

D. He'll just join you anyway.

A-13, in their usual idiotic genius, had managed to get Slip-and-Slides to Atlantis and had set them up, creating a sort-of water park indoors. Elizabeth didn't have a problem with it. She was only concerned about the location. She didn't want visitors getting the wrong impression about Atlantis.

530. You may not dye the Mogwai colors.

A. Ronon doesn't appreciate it.

B. And neither do they.

No one came forward. A-13 had immediately called "not it!" on that one. Elizabeth let them off the hook. They were still having fun with the Slip-and-Slide corridor.

531. Thumper stays on Atlantis.

A-13 had gone off-world, met up with the natives, made friends with said natives, had a feast thrown in their honor, and (for whatever insane reason) gotten really bored. They decided that it would be a really god idea to play 'Thumper,' a relatively simple drinking game involving everyone having a different hand sign and being able to remember said signs(which, as A-13 quickly realized, went with alcohol).

Elizabeth wasn't too happy about that when they had come walking back through the 'Gate a bit hung over. Barring 449, she was contemplating assigning a chaperone to A-13. They seemed to have a bad habit of getting drunk or high when off-world

_Wooh! Another chapter finished! Now, go push that lovely little button that says 'Review' and give love. I like reviews. They make me happy. And anyone who says otherwise will get the full force of the Menagerie and Ronon set on them. Just kidding. I'm not that mean (or am I?). _


	23. Chapter 22

_Disclaimer: Santa? If you exist? Please? Please? Please?_

_**Chaotic Monkey Overlord**__ – have no fear. More of your rules will appear in the next chapter. I really like your suggestions!_

_**Acknowledgements: Autumn Leaves Are Falling**__: for Rule 534_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 535 - 538_

It had been a very long week. Between the usual insanity of Atlantis, a Wraith attack, and Woolsey visiting, Elizabeth was exhausted and swore to herself that she would turn in early. But, as she posted the next rule, she knew that it was all worth it.

532. Magic 8 balls stay on Atlantis.

A-4 was responsible for that one. Dr. Hendricks had snuck his off-world in his backpack. The natives wanted to keep it. A-4 had been chased off-world.

533. Keep the audio systems in the Jumpers reasonable.

A. You need to be able to actually hear the communicators when they go off.

It was kind of John's fault. He had wanted to put a new sound system in the Yellow Submarine. The problem was, with the bass up, he couldn't hear when the communicator went off when Atlantis was trying to warn him about an in-coming Wraith attack. That hadn't ended pretty.

534. No rappelling off of the control tower.

Ronon had decided that it would be a brilliant idea. Carson was more than happy to let Jen treat the Satedan when he had hobbled into the infirmary with three broken ribs, a completely shattered ankle, two broken bones in one arm, several fractured fingers, and both of his wrists fractured. It was a sheer miracle that was all that had happened to him.

Elizabeth put him on inactive duty due to his extensive injuries. That alone served to both frustrate him and punish him, especially since Jen was not letting him out of her sight until he could walk freely on his own.

535. You are not allowed to line the path from the entrance to the gateroom to the actual Stargate with yellow bricks.

A. Or any other kind of brick.

B. Or anything else at all.

C. We aren't the land of Oz; we're the city of Atlantis. There _is_ a difference.

Someone had gotten the idea that the path to the 'Gate was actually the Yellow Brick Road and so had managed to get their hands on a bunch of yellow bricks and lined the path leading up to the 'Gate with them. It had also proven necessary for Elizabeth to add another rule:

536. Since we aren't the Emerald City, you are not allowed to paint the walls emerald green, line them with green glass, or otherwise try to imitate the Emerald City.

A. What is with the Wizard of Oz craze, anyways?

The situation was growing rapidly out of control.

537. The Flying Monkeys are to remain on their native planet.

A. We do not need flying monkeys in the Menagerie.

B. We already have giant spiders, mythical creatures, giant animals, and the Mogwai.

The Wizard of Oz craze refused to die down. Flying monkeys had been discovered. Attempts to add them to the Menagerie had been successfully thwarted. Elizabeth was getting fed up with the fact that she had to make a bunch of rules based on said Wizard of Oz craze.

538. Bender from Futurama's catchphrase, "Kill all humans," is not to be dubbed over Wraith communications in a repeating loop.

A. Copyright infringement.

B. While amusing, it is not worth the potential lawsuit.

She didn't know which scientists had recorded the line and programmed the computer to play the line over incoming Wraith transmissions, but she had decided that the punishment wouldn't be so great if the perpetrator' identity was discovered; the dub brought laughs, smiles, and good cheer every time it was played. Rodney had commented that it even looked like an English dub of a live-action Japanese movie

It really did.

539. Ear-licking is not appropriate for briefings, de-briefings, or when you're meeting important people off-world.

A. Neither is ball-whacks.

B. Or head-smacks.

C. Decorum, please.

Elizabeth had noticed that they were getting very bad about their behavior during meetings. She wouldn't have said anything, except the Prime Minister of Great Britain was coming to visit and she didn't want to have a repeat of the President's visit, especially since the Alliance was out of commission for the time being and the President had probably warned the Prime Minister about the Expedition's tendency to be . . . interesting.

540. Not all important people from Earth are like the President.

A. Or General O'Neill.

B. Or General Hammond.

C. Or General Landry.

D. Or Mr. Woolsey.

E. Be nice this time.

She had issued that as an early warning for the Prime Minister's visit. His visit was as a gesture of good will between the United States and Great Britain, since they did have a fair number of British members of the Expedition.

541. No, the Queen of England is _not_ coming to visit.

A. At least not yet.

They had gotten their hopes up. A-13 had wanted to sneak the Queen off to 449. Because it was cool to get the President of the United States really high, but it was even cooler when you got the Queen of England really high. And she had caught wind of a P.N.V.C.S. outing.

542. Giant vats of cake icing are to be consumed in the mess hall and the mess hall only.

Randomly, the kitchen staff had decided to raise base morale by whipping up giant vats of cake icing of various flavors and colors, knowing how the Expedition loved icing. Turns out, that was a bad idea. Vats started to disappear and would turn in the most random places. Elizabeth was just as guilty as the rest of them, having snuck some into her office for herself, only for Clifford to steal the vat when her back was turned.

Elizabeth wasn't happy about the mess that invariably ensued from her mad chase of Clifford around Atlantis. Clifford wasn't too happy about that bath that he got as a result of the chase.

543. Streaking is not a sanctioned activity.

A. Either on Atlantis or while off-world.

A-10 had done it. Temporary insanity was the only explanation anyone could give.

544. Straight jacks are not approved.

Heightmeyer had thought that it would be funny. Elizabeth agreed. The SG-C hadn't. Now, according to Woolsey, the Joint Chiefs and the IOA was questioning the sanity of the Expedition. Elizabeth was going back to Earth to have a meeting with them to prove that, while they were really off-kilter, it didn't affect their competency.

545. The Alliance is temporary released from their probation.

A. Because they are going to Earth with Dr. Weir.

B. To make sure nothing happens to her.

C. Or to Clifford.

D. And so that she can keep an eye on them.

E. The President also wants to see them.

Ronon was upset about his medical limitations. He _was_ still healing from his fall from the tower. Anne was going stir crazy about being restricted to base for the most part. Jen and Radek were complaining about not getting off-world as much.

And, when he had heard that Elizabeth was coming to Earth anyway, the President had asked that she bring them along. He had a baby shower present for Anne.

546. The Secret Six would like to remind everyone that they still exist.

A. And that they rule.

B. Even with the Leader and the Mascot off-world.

While she had been on Earth, the Wraith had attacked. Fortunately, the Secret Six had stepped up and averted the disaster. Elizabeth was proud. The Alliance felt threatened. She felt another prank war coming on.

547. Fear the turtles!

Thirteen hours after their arrival back on Atlantis, the EAC began their yearly migration towards their breeding grounds. However, that meant that there were a lot of other turtles going past Atlantis. The whole city was rocking from the force of the waves that were being generated.

548. Do not steal Dr. Yasaguma's ice cream.

A. She will find you.

B. And she will hurt you.

C. You have been warned.

Rodney stole the last pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream from the fridge/freezer in Miko's lab. Mint chocolate chip was her favorite. She had had a bad day and was not very happy upon finding the pint missing. Miko had gone on the warpath. Now, Rodney feared her and owed her a crate of said ice cream every month for the next year.

549. Do not make home-made fireworks.

A. What have we said!

B. Really!

This time, it was the explosive engineers' fault. They had gotten bored and had been led up by none other than Laura Cadman. Carson had not been very happy when she came in with the rest of the explosives team.

It was not a pretty marital dispute.

550. Mr. T is not going to become a member of the Expedition.

They had campaigned really hard for that one. The SG-C, the IOA, and the Joint Chiefs all shot that one down immediately.

551. The Atlantis Roller Derby team is hereby sanctioned.

A. Just don't kill each other.

They had to give Atlantis something to make up for Mr. T.

552. 'Stop, Drop, and Roll' is perfectly legitimate.

A. Don't be afraid to use it.

B. It might actually save your life.

C. Fire safety, everyone!

Elizabeth put that one up just to ensure the general safety and well-being of the entire Expedition – and their medical staff in particular.

553. Crutches are not spears.

Ronon had thought otherwise when a rookie Marine had made a comment about his fighting skills. The Satedan had expertly hit said rookie from across the room with his crutch. Carson was not happy when they came walking into the infirmary. Jen started laughing as she gave Ronon his check-up – and then lectured him.

554. Short-sheeting people's beds is not a funny prank.

A-10 was apparently was further gone than she thought. Heightmeyer agreed with her. Now, said team was heading back to Earth for some shore leave and much needed rest.

Sighing, Elizabeth could only hope that they wouldn't cause too much trouble on Earth. But, then again, she knew A-10.

_Well, hope you all enjoyed this part! Now go push that nice button that says 'Review.' They are lovely and they make this author feel loved. Remeber, we don't get paid to do this, so any love in form of reviews is a good thing. And don't forget to post ideas to the Forum. Ideas are just as lovely as reviews and can inspire even more insanity from the Pegasus Galaxy._


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 – Part 23

_Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything._

_Huzzah for more Idiot's Guide. Wow. I can't believe it's gotten so big. It's hard to believe that we're already in chapter 23. It only seems like yesterday that I posted the first couple of chapters. And it's all thanks to your continued support and reviews that I've gotten this far. Thank you all so much and keep up the good work!_

_**Acknowledgements: sciencefictionsquirrel**__: for Rules 557(with a few add-ons) and 566._

_**Chaotic Monkey Overlord:**__ for Rules 559 to 561_

A-10 had just returned from shore leave back on Earth. They had been gone for a total of a month and a half – more than enough time for any normal, sane person to decompress from the Expedition. But then again, what Atlantean team, especially one in the caliber of A-10, was normal?

Elizabeth rolled her eyes as they were beamed down from the Daedalus. In the back of her mind, she knew that it was probably a bad idea to let them go back to Earth together. Expedition teams had a bad tendency to do really random things while back home, not that they didn't do random things on Atlantis. But still . . .

She could hardly believe them some times.

555. Shaving your head is one thing.

A. Shaving your head as a team is not necessarily considered smart.

They got bored while on Earth and did something only A-10 would do. They decided that it would be a really good idea to shave their heads. Supposedly, it was done to boost team morale. Elizabeth didn't know what the Expedition had with random hairstyles and doing things to people's hair but she knew that she didn't want anyone to copy A-10. So, she put up that rule.

556. Do not do kick-lines off-world.

A-13, not to be upstaged by A-10, had decided to do a kick-line whilst on a mission. They had inspired a dance craze with the natives. Now, a kick-line was the standard greeting to any off-world travelers of said planet. Yet another planet that only A-13 was sent to.

557. Do not attempt to travel back in time to make bets on the winner of the Super Bowl.

A. Causality, people!

B. Do not do anything that, as George so eloquently puts it, "rapes the timeline."

C. If only for the sanity of the SGC.

D. And the Joint Chiefs.

E. And the President.

She didn't know whose idea it had been to try and go back in time to win big on the Super Bowl after a hugely unexpected victory. She felt the need to mention the whole 'changing the past can affect the future' thing.

558. When you're on Earth, Altantean IDs are "fakes."

A. Remember, we're not official.

B. Yet.

C. We're working on it.

Elizabeth had decided that it would be a really good idea to have "real, Atlantean" IDs for them. Miko had come up with the design for it and Rodney had gotten them mass-produced. Earth wasn't too happy when they found out. She only grinned like a damn fool.

559. No kill-counting.

A. Seriously, people, it makes us look bad.

B. If you do keep score, don't display it in the mess hall.

C. It just inflates Ronon's newly found ego.

D. He's already the best. He doesn't need a trophy to prove it.

E. General O'Neill is all for it. The SGC isn't.

After several of the soldiers were boasting about who had the most kills, Ronon, who had already been keeping score for some time, decided to post everyone's kill-count in the mess hall. Needless to say, the SGC didn't like this very much. They said that it made Atlantis look like "a bunch of sick and twisted savages." As Ronon had shot back, they obviously had never had the satisfaction of killing a Wraith.

The rest of the Expedition whole-heartedly agreed.

560. A Wraith kill is worth more than a Genii kill.

A. Just ask anyone who's fought both a Wraith and a Genii.

B. Better yet, just ask Ronon.

C. By the way, it's still prohibited to keep kill-score.

With regard to rule 559, an all-out riot almost started over which kill was worth more – a Wraith-kill or a Genii-kill? Luckily, A-1 had been able to prevent the riot and settle the disagreement. Wraith-kills won. The Genii wasn't worth as much. Sorry Genii!

561. Uninhabited solar systems do not count as a kill.

A. Dr. McKay, this means you.

B. It was uninhabited. No one died!

C. Even though it was completely bad-a**.

D. Okay, you can count the planet. But that's it!

E. Still counts as one kill, though.

F. Once again, Un-In-Hab-It-Ted.

Poor Rodney. He was just mad that his kill-count is still lower than Jen's.

562. No mocking Dr. McKay.

A. At least not with Lord of the Rings quotes.

Jen was still grinning like a damn fool about the fact that her kill-count was higher than Rodney's. She had taken saying, "It still only counts as one," whenever she saw him. It was getting on his nerves.

563. Mattress surfing is only allowed in the 'Gateroom unless otherwise authorized.

The Vikings had gotten bored again. They had watched 'Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement' for whatever unknown reason. As a result, they decided that it would be really fun to try mattress surfing down stairs, as seen in the movie. The down side, they had done so in the 'Gateroom. Fortunately, Atlantis hadn't been attacked. They just sent a lot of people to the infirmary.

Elizabeth silently went about her merry way and sent videos back to General O'Neill. If nothing else, he would want to try and she was so glad that she was in another galaxy.

564. Be nice to our allies.

A. Especially the ones on the rural planets.

B. They are kindly letting us farm there.

C. For a small fee, of course.

D. Just be nice to them, for crying out loud.

Between the Athosians and a few other groups of natives that they had met, the Atlantis Expedition had begun setting up farms on a few planets close to Lantea, as well as on the mainland. Elizabeth thought that it would be a good idea if they remained on good terms with said natives.

565. Remember not to wear "George is my home-monkey" shirts while on Earth.

A. As far as the SGC knows, George is just a _really_ smart monkey.

B. And the rest of the planet has no clue.

C. Plausible deniability, anyone?

The Smart Camp had had said shirts made. The entire Expedition had gotten them. They all love them. Earth didn't know about it.

566. The Mogwai are no longer allowed to be called the Mogwai.

A. Or mutant Furbies.

B. Somehow, we're getting sued.

C. We're looking for a new name, people.

D. Please submit all suggestions in writing to Ronon.

E. Just as long as there is no further copyright infringement.

She didn't know how they were getting sued, but she had managed to negotiate that the copyright infringement would no longer occur if the lawsuit was dropped. Now, the race was on to be the team who submitted the winning name.

567. The now un-named fuzzy creatures of doom may not be used as your "posse."

Several teams had tried. Ronon had gotten really mad. It hadn't turned out pretty. That was the end of that.

568. Using the Fleet to go to Earth is not allowed on a whim.

A. Remember the Alliance's attempt at a baby shower?

Though, to be fair, John had been invited back for a cousin's wedding. He had taken Teyla with him. After all, he hadn't had an opportunity prior to show off his new wife. Though, according to both of them, the looks on his family's face when he introduced Teyla as such was well worth the fact that the Joint Chiefs were throwing a fit that they had borrowed a hive ship to travel to Earth.

569. The roller rink, like the ice skating rink, is open to everyone.

A. Or suffer the consequences of the Atlantis Roller Derby League.

A-4 had gotten really bored. They decided to get roller blades. Three weeks later, when the Daedalus arrived, the team could be seen skating through the base. Elizabeth established the roller rink (separate from the rink used by the Roller Derby League) next to the ice skating rink, just to be on the safe side.

Said Derby League was thanking her for keeping A-4 away from them. Apparently, the team wasn't the best of skaters and, as such, seemed to cause a lot of destruction in their wake – more than roller derby allowed.

570. No retrofitting any ship in the Fleet to be Transformers.

A. Hello? Infringement?

B. Un-named fuzzy creatures of doom ring a bell?

C. I don't want to have to remind you again!

It had been the Smart Camp's brilliant idea one day. The Marine Brigade had quickly gotten on board. George had even drawn up some designs. Elizabeth nixed that one as soon as she found out. She did not want to have to deal with another "Mogwai" incident, even if she thought it was a good idea.

571. Grenades made really big booms.

Blame Laura for that one. She had been playing on the pyro's love of fire and the explosives experts ready access to things that blow up. But, as she claimed, it was SO pretty.

572. There is no spoon.

A. Really.

B. There isn't.

C. So stop asking.

D. It won't appear magically out of thin air.

The Matrix-craze had struck again. Elizabeth had watched the Matrix trilogy over the course of two days, during her down time. And, just to see who was paying attention, she had put that rule up. She was fully expecting everyone who got it to start laughing because, after all, laughter was the best medicine, even if said laughter sounded like it belonged to a bunch of loonies.

And, in their own special way, the Expedition was a loony bin. That being said, Elizabeth wouldn't change them for anything.

Smiling to herself, she leaned back in her chair, stretching. A fuzzy head found its way to her knee. She looked down and chuckled softly as Clifford gave her his patented "puppy dog eyes." Her pet, the original member of the Menagerie, could be very persuasive at times – especially when he was hungry.

"Okay, boy, let's go get some pizza."

The wolf-dog barked happily and they set off.

_Yay, the end of another chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Keep on reviewing. I like reviews. They make me feel loved. And don't forget to send me ideas. They are also good. I'll try to get another chapter up soon. Yay! The insanity will continue on. The Expedition will live to wreck havoc and further corrupt the Pegasus Galaxy for another day._


	25. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 – Part 24

_Disclaimer: Nope. I do not own. Imagine what it would be like if I did own it. If you recognize it, it doesn't belong to me._

_**Acknowledgements: Choas Babe:**__ for Rules 576 and 577_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 580, 581, and 588 (sheer brilliance!)_

Apparently, spoons were disappearing at an alarming rate. Elizabeth decided that making Matrix references was not a good thing, especially considering the fact that Atlantis was sentient. But it was kind of funny to think that their city was pilfering their spoons and hiding them in some dark corner.

573. Hitting each other with yoga mats is not nice.

She didn't know why A-15 had thought that it would be a good idea to suddenly attack A-3 with yoga mats, but A-3 had now declared a prank war on A-15.

574. Prank wars may not interfere with missions.

Elizabeth wanted that to be clear. A-3 and A-15 separately assured her that they would be able to do their jobs accordingly. In that case, she had no probable with their prank war. It seemed . . . fairly harmless.

575. Remember to pack your towels when you go off-world.

A. You never know when you might need them.

B. They are all-important.

C. And have many practical uses.

Ronon hadn't believed Jen when she had told him that. Then A-1 had been attacked by the Genii. Rodney had a towel with him and had managed to save the day. Rodney got two kill-counts and Ronon learned a valuable lesson in the practicality of towels.

576. When you go back to Earth for a mental health break, you are not allowed to stay together, switching between houses every night.

A. We're sending you there to get you all away from each other.

B. And it seriously creeps out your families.

A-10 had done it when they had been on Earth. So had A-13, A-4, A-19, A-1, and several other teams. A-6 had brought along Anne's husband to introduce to her family. It was not very pretty, especially since she was so close to having her baby now.

577. Though teams are to stay together when off-world, Earth does not count as "off-world."

A. We CAME from there, people!

B. Well, most of us, anyway.

A-6 had used that excuse. They had even added that not everyone present had been born on Earth. Which was true. Anne's husband was a native of the Pegasus Galaxy. But it was still a bit unnerving at times, though it was funny to hear about the reactions of people back home when the teams refused to separate. The Joint Chiefs were getting very frustrated with their antics. Elizabeth couldn't really blame them.

578. You may not build Tesla Guns!

The entire Expedition had bonded over _Warehouse 13_. The Marine Brigade and Ronon all wanted the Tesla ray guns from the show. The Smart Camp had decided that they could build them. Three lab explosions and a very frazzled George, Radek, and Rodney later, Elizabeth was posting a new rule.

579. Anything's possible.

A. Especially in the Pegasus Galaxy.

B. And Atlantis.

C. Just some food for thought.

D. You have been warned.

Elizabeth thought that it was extremely pertinent to remind everyone of that little tidbit.

580. The State of Atlantis is now officially allowed to declare war against threats to Earth in the Pegasus Galaxy.

A. We are now all officially veterans of the Pegasus Galaxy War.

B. One step closer towards total independence, people.

C. But we can't secede and become our own country.

D. Or planet.

E. Yet.

Someone had mentioned that, since they were now their own state, they could try and secede from either all the countries with delegates in the Expedition and become their own country or even secede from Earth entirely and become their own planetary entity. While Elizabeth outwardly disapproved, she secretly supported the Lantean Independence Movement, as the endeavor quickly had become known as. Specifically, there were two LIM factions: the Country of Atlantis Movement, and the Lantean Planetary Independence movement. The names were pretty much self-explanatory.

581. If you support either of the Lantean Independence Movement factions, understand this: we do not technically have our own State Government yet, so we can't actually file to secede through peaceful means.

A. And we are not going to start an armed revolution against Earth.

B. Despite the fact that we have a large enough fleet that we could take the Earth on in an intergalactic war and probably win.

C. General O'Neill has agreed to see if he can try and legally get Atlantis declared either its own country or a colony of Earth.

D. At which point we can attempt to peacefully separate from Earth.

E. But neither Colonel Sheppard nor Dr. Weir will authorize the use of revolution to secede by force.

F. If we do manage to become completely politically independent from Earth, we're going to need Earth's support until we develop our own industrial and economic infrastructure.

G. Not to mention that, while we have more ships and our larger capital ships can regenerate, they have more advanced ships.

H. The last thing we need is to start a civil war. That wouldn't exactly look good on the Stargate Program's reputation when it finally gets revealed to the public.

Apparently, there was a large amount of support for the LIM. Most people seemed to favor the Planetary Independence faction, including Ronon, who was advocating immediately declaring their independence and using force to get the point across to Earth.

582. The yet-to-be-renamed fuzzy creatures of doom are officially an export of Atlantis.

A. But only to the Pegasus Galaxy.

B. Specifically, our allies.

C. For a reasonable price.

D. We are not allowed to sell them to anyone in the Milky Way Galaxy.

E. Especially anyone from Earth.

F. And Ronon still has control of them

Well, they were going to need some kind of official export. And the creatures of doom were very much that.

583. The Chicken Dance is not to be taught off-world.

It was actually A-1's fault this time. They had been a little nutty off-world. John and Rodney had broken out into the Chicken Dance. The natives wanted to learn. Teyla brought back fun pictures for the Wall. Ronon merely laughed.

584. Black-mail is NEVER an option.

A. Unless it's against one of our enemies.

Ronon had insisted on that one. Elizabeth didn't bother to ask the reasons behind it. Sometimes, she really didn't want to know.

585. Always remember to laugh.

A. Even at the idiotic things.

B. We need to make A-10 feel loved.

C. And laughter is always good.

No explanation was needed. The Expedition completely understood.

586. Don't piss off Charlotte.

A. She's still here.

Charlotte's hallway had been invaded by a few new-comers from Earth. The giant spider wasn't too happy about that. She had sent some of her young after said new-comers as a warning. Elizabeth issued a brief warning to everyone and explained to the new-comers. They weren't going to make the same mistake twice.

587. No new-comer will be pressured to join any LIM movement.

A. Give them some time.

B. They need to get a feel for us.

C. And to see if they'll last.

All LIM activities were widely known to be voluntary. The fact of the matter was, a vast majority of the Expedition was pushing for independence from Earth.

588. Do NOT attempt to create a working Genesis Device.

A. No.

B. Just . . . NO!

C. Rodney, please keep your ego in check.

A-13. 449. Original series Star Trek movies. Daring Rodney to try and duplicate the Genesis Device of _The Wrath of Khan_ and _Search for Spock_. Rodney's ego did not allow him to refuse. He had to be stopped before he tried and screwed up royally. A decide that could reshape matter would not be something that they could recover from if it detonated.

589. Limit the number of bro-mances formed off-world.

John, in particular, seemed to have a bad habit of making male friends off-world – many of which were unusually close friendships. Many other male members of the Expedition seemed to be following in his footsteps. Teyla was quite unhappy. As she told Elizabeth, she did not like to share her man so readily.

590. Learn how to tie proper knots.

A. For those times when you don't have zip ties.

B. Anyone from the Marine Brigade can teach you.

C. Or Ronon.

D. Just ask them.

It was a helpful thing to know. Particularly, when encountering hostile natives or the Genii.

591. Do not go around introducing yourselves as characters from _Alice in Wonderland_.

A. Or dress the parts.

More than a few teams had begun to do that. The natives didn't always take too kindly to that. Several teams had been chased back through the 'Gate under fire because the natives had thought that they were crazy. Elizabeth couldn't blame them.

592. Hide all sugar packets from George.

A. He's allergic to them.

B. And we want Geroge to be healthy.

C. We really can't afford to lose him.

Somehow, it had taken them this long to figure that out. The Smart Camp had gotten really worried when someone had accidentally left a sugar packet from the mess hall in George's lab. He had eaten it. Luckily, between Carson and Jen, they had managed to get him stabilized and he was on the mend.

593. Be very careful about how you introduce yourselves.

Elizabeth had put that one out there was a general reminder.

594. No pillow fights off-world.

A. It stimulates a bad reputation for us.

A-2 had felt particularly frisky when on an over-night mission over-world. The natives hadn't taken too kindly to their impromptu pillow fight.

A sharp tap on her door drew Elizabeth's attention. She looked up to see Anne's husband standing there, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"Yes, Zek?" she asked, patiently.

He broke into a grin. "Anne's gone into labor. I thought that I would let you know."

Elizabeth didn't bother to suppress her grin. "Well, what are you still doing here? Get your butt down to your wife!"

Zek didn't have to be told twice. He was gone in an instant. And Elizabeth set aside her other work to begin on the announcements to Atlantis (though everyone probably knew already) and to Earth.

_Well, that's the end of Chapter 24. I hope you enjoyed it._

_Anne's husband FINALLY gets a name. (I thought it was about time.) And she's delivering her baby. Exciting! You're just going to have to wait for the next chapter to find out about the baby. _

_Any ideas on the new name for the Mogwai? If so, send them to me. _

_And don't forget to press that nice button that says 'Review.' This author loves reviews. Plus, send me ideas for new rules._

_Did anyone catch the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy references?_


	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25- Part 25

_Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own a thing._

_**Acknowledgements: Hallowed are the Ancients**__: for Rules 599 to 601._

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel**__: for Rules 604, 612, and 615 (with minor changes)._

_**Chaotic Monkey Overlord**__: for Rules 607 to 609_

_Alys5: The towel reference was the big Hitchhiker's reference. I just wanted to tease people and see if they actually caught it, because not everyone knows Hitchhikers._

_Black dragon: You will see your rules in Part 27._

It had been a long and tumultuous night, but Anne had given birth to a beautiful baby girl, whom she and Zek named Mora.

The entire Expedition was beaming with pride and excitement about the arrival of their newest and youngest member. The Alliance, in particular, was extremely happy. They were all ready to become uncles and aunt to little Mora. And, as it turns out, Ronon actually had a very sweet side buried underneath his gruff exterior. He had surprised everyone (except Jen) by presenting the new parents with a gorgeous crib that he had carved by hand, complete with Satedan symbols for health and prosperity. However, said sweetness immediately led to a rule.

595. Do not mess with Ronon's reputation.

A. He will come and find you.

B. And the Alliance will back him up.

C. Since they're back in action.

That was enough to make everyone quake. In the past few months, they had gotten used to the fact that the Alliance wasn't doing that much.

596. Be careful about what you eat off-world.

The phrase, "You are what you eat," took on a whole new meaning. Rodney had yet to emerge from his lab. Carson was forced to make personal visits to administer the antidote that would reverse the effects of the food that he had consumed.

597. Beware of dirty diapers.

A. Especially when they can be thrown at you.

Zek had been on diaper duty. Someone made a sneaky comment. Apparently, the normally calm man had been hanging out with the Alliance way too much because said person had a dirty diaper thrown at their head and suffered a concussion as a result. Elizabeth really didn't want to know when Ronon had been training the man.

598. Only Captain Dyson is allowed to put 'Baby on Board' stickers on a Jumper.

A. And only when she's actually on it.

B. And Mora is with her.

Everyone was still really excited about baby Mora.

599. This is not _Sanctuary_.

A. And Colonel Carter is not Helen Magnus.

The Expedition had recently gotten into a Sanctuary craze. It was mostly Rodney's fault, because he had liked to ogle the actress that played Helen Magnus. It didn't help that Colonel Carter looked like her, and that they had the Menagerie running around. But she would cross the line when they started calling everyone "Abnormals." It would give the natives the wrong idea.

600. Do NOT teach the Replicators how to play poker.

A. They will beat you.

B. Every single time.

C. And I mean, every single time.

A-13 was at it again. They had gotten bored playing with each other at Team Poker Night and had decided to bring the scientists' Replicators in. They must have had a little too much to drink because they obviously weren't thinking that the Replicators were pretty much giant computers. And they had bet money.

All four members of A-13 now owed two of the Replicators $10,000 in total.

601. Do not bet your coffee supplies in poker.

A. Especially against the Replicators.

B. What would they need coffee for?

Rodney had thought he was smarter than the Replicators. And, of course, being as overconfident as he is, he bet his coffee supply. And lost. Elizabeth wasn't really feeling sorry for him for his lack of judgment. Though the rest of the base would have to suffer until the next Daedalus run.

602. Make paperclip necklaces is not an appropriate use of supplies

A. Or time.

Supposedly, A-18 was killing time whilst laid up in the infirmary. A trend had, unfortunately, been set.

603. Bursting out into 'Bohemian Rhapsody' off-world is not a good idea.

A. It is only permissible when captured.

B. And only if accompanied by interpretive dance.

Jen was to blame for that one. She had the _Wayne's World_ soundtrack on her iPod. At some point, Ronon had heard the 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and got really attached to it. Then, when A-1 and A-10 were on a joint off-world mission, the teams had gotten captured by the Genii. Ronon had then led, what could only be described, as a rousing serenade of the song, complete with an accompanying interpretive dance. Teyla had taped the whole thing, including when the other six men had joined him. She made copies and gave them to Elizabeth and Jen.

Both were highly entertained.

604. IOA Agent Melissa Jacobson is now officially a member of A-10.

A. The IOA threatened to have us shut down if we didn't put someone on the team to keep them in check.

B. Suck it up, guys, just because she's a girl doesn't mean you can't act like yourselves.

C. She's just supposed to make sure you don't do anything _too_ stupid off-world.

Apparently the IOA had received a copy of the Idiot's Guide and insisted on, for security reasons, assigning one of their top agents, who happened to be female, to the formerly all-male A-10 to keep them in check.

605. Please clap all erasers outside.

A. And down-wind of the rest of the city.

The Smart Camp was getting really bad. They had been bored.

606. Keep blenders away from Polly.

A-6 liked to make mixed cocktails. Anne was _really_ happy to be able to have a cocktail again. Polly, however, seemed to think that blenders were toys and she had taken to destroying them. A-6, alone, was already on their ninth blender. Elizabeth thought that it would be a good idea to make it a rule.

607. No choreographed musical sing-and-dance routines on Atlantis.

A. At least when V.I.P.s visit.

B. Especially when V.I.P.s visit.

C. Come on, guys, even General O'Neill thought it was disturbing.

After watching 24 hours of classic music straight, A-13 somehow managed to get everyone to put together an original production, "Atlantis: the Musical". Unfortunately, several V.I.P.s were visiting at the time. Weir is still trying to find out how A-13 wrote 8 songs, choreographed them all, trained the Mogwai to dance, somehow got Ronon and McKay to do a rap battle, and with surprisingly amazing results, even though everyone was drunk. Still, the V.I.P.s were not fans.

608. Distributing copies of Ronon and McKay's various rap videos is now prohibited.

A. Or, as A-13 calls them, "Predator Jr." and "Jedi Master Rapper."

B. Seriously, the SGC almost had a heart-attack when they say the "Atlantis rap" on MTV.

C. Though it is a pity.

D. I don't even know how you got it pass security.

E. It was General O'Neill, wasn't it?

After the Atlantis Musical mistake, Ronon and McKay discovered surprisingly talent for free-styling. Now they were the biggest thing since Cleveland Jr. and Kenny West on the Cleveland show. At first it was okay. But being on MTV ruined that. Luckily everyone thought it was really great special effects, props, and the Evil Space vampires were just guys in costumes.

609. An apology isn't always good enough.

A. Even a video one.

B. You should know this, Rodney.

Rodney tried to apologize to the SGC for the whole MTV thing. Rapping the apology didn't help

610. The only people you are allowed to free-style rap at are the Wraith.

A. Apparently, they don't like it.

Suddenly, Rodney had found a new way to bolster his kill-count. He and Ronon now had a way to double-team.

611. Guys, it is in your best interest to shave on a regular basis.

A. Unless you're Ronon.

B. Or Dr. Beckett.

Ronon and Carson were the only one who were allowed to have perpetual facial hair, apparently. Some newbies had tried to emulate them. Neither took too kindly to that. They had made their opinions known and said newbies cowered in fear at the very sight of them.

612. Attempts to grow Wraith ships to bolster the Fleet is hereby prohibited

A. Rodney, you aren't a biologist.

B. You don't know what might happen.

C. You don't even know for sure how to grow them.

D. It could be disastrous.

E. Knowing both the Expedition's track record in general and yours in particular, it probably WILL be disastrous.

Rodney had decided to try and grow Wraith ships to bolster the Fleet. Elizabeth had a bad feeling. George had confirmed that Rodney was trying to do this to stroke his own wounded ego after the Genesis Project re-creation had been shot down and really had no idea what he was doing. Elizabeth had wisely chosen to shut down this project as well.

613. No Starbucks.

A. Sorry.

B. The SGC and the IOA won't allow us to have them.

She had really tried to get some Starbucks on Atlantis. But the SGC and the IOA had not been that nice. Elizabeth was really upset. As was the rest of Atlantis. And Melissa Jacobson, in particular. Said IOA agent was a Starbucks crack fiend. Elizabeth had accepted her silent application to transfer permanently to the Atlantis Expedition with a nod of approval.

614. Don't tell "Knock, Knock" jokes off-world.

A. The natives won't get it.

A-10 had tried. Melissa went along with it. They were subsequently run off-world. Altantis then threw a huge party. It had been the first time that Melissa had been run off-world since joining A-10.

615. The Secret Six is now to be known as the Enigmatic Eight.

A. They have just expanded their membership.

A Wraith attack had occured. They had managed to invade Atlantis. Dr. Keller and Melissa Jacobson had taken control of the situation and had organized the Secret Six to retake the city, with the full support of the Alliance. They had subsequently been inducted into the Secret Six following amazing acts of bravery (Melissa had killed a few Wraith with her bare hands in order to liberate the Secret Six and Jen had risked her life to provide cover during the liberation). It was unknown how Jen being the new, official "liason" between the two premeir fighting forces would affect the relationship between the two. Hopefully, it would put an end to their prank war.

616. Dr. Keller is awesome.

A. And very deadly.

That, in itself, pretty much spoke for itself. As the sole liason between the Enigmatic Eight anfd teh Alliance, she was the one person who the rest of the Expedition feared more than the Wraith and the Genii put together. And it didn't help all that much that she was also a doctor who had access to lots and lots of needles.

And, with that in mind, Elizabeth slid her chair away from her desk and stood up. There was a meeting of the Alliance and the Enigmatic Eight that was due to start in a few minutes and it just wouldn't be very good for the Leader of the Eight to miss that meeting. They still did have to hammer out the details of the prank war cease-fire.

_Well, there's the chapter. I hope you enjoyed it! Now, go review it! And don't forget to send me some ideas!_


	27. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 – Part 26

_Disclaimer: Nope. I have no ownership here._

_**Acknowledgements: Hallowed are the Ancients:**__ for Rules 621 and 633_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 623 and 624 (with some add-ons)_

_**Badwolf15**__: for Rules 625 and 626_

_**Chaos Babe: **__for Rules 629 and 630._

_Black dragon: you will see your rules in the next chapter._

_Anyways, I really hope you enjoy this chapter._

Elizabeth rubbed her forehead in a vain attempt to ease the headache that was threatening to annoy her to no end. It had been a particularly interesting month on Atlantis, to say the least. There was very little that she could do to prevent the Expedition for having their moments of sheer insanity. But this? This was just crazy!

617. Backwards Day is hereby prohibited and banned from the Pegasus Galaxy.

A. Under pain of the Alliance.

B. And the Enigmatic Eight.

C. And the Menagerie.

D. And Dr. Keller's needles.

A-1, A-4, A-11, and A-15 had been behind that one. Elizabeth didn't want to deal with that brand of crazy spreading across the city. She already had enough on her plate as it were.

618. The Snoopy Dance may only be performed on Atlantis.

Apparently, Melissa was a fan of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and, as such, was prone to doing the Snoopy Dance. After performing said Dance after defeating a Wraith attack while off-world, she had earned even more respect from the rest of A-10. However, as a more direct result, the team had taken to doing said dance every time they did something seemingly good, which was apparently very often.

They had gotten run off of three worlds in the course of a week. Elizabeth figured the Snoopy Dance was the main reason behind that.

619. Do or do not. There is no try.

A. Yoda wasn't an idiot, you know.

Elizabeth thought that it would be a good idea to instill Yoda's mantra into the Expedition. It amazed her that, even after all of these years, they still said that they would "try." After all, they did have a very high success rate for their mission attempts.

620. Once again, Dr. Weir would like to remind everyone that they may not have their own lightsabers.

A. It's just too dangerous.

B. And the SGC doesn't like the idea of us getting our hands on lightsabers.

C. Neither does the IOA.

D. But, if we could get away with it, we totally would.

E. You all know that, right?

Ronon really did want a lightsaber. So did the rest of the Expedition. By now, the Smart Camp could easily make them. They just couldn't get the clearance to actually try and make them, much to everyone's disappointment.

621. We do not worship the Almighty Coffee Machine.

A. Well . . . maybe the Smart Camp does.

B. But quit telling the natives that!

Four planets now worshipped the Almighty Coffee Machine.

622. Hulk smashes are not always a good idea.

John was to blame. He had told Ronon about them. Ronon had tried it when attacked by the Genii. It wasn't pretty and Jen had nearly killed John when he had dragged a barely-conscious Ronon into the infirmary. The man had only recently gotten off of his crutches from his attempt at rappelling down the main tower.

623. 'Clothing Optional Day' is hereby officially and unofficially prohibited.

A. No way.

B. Doesn't anyone _think_ around here?

C. Casual Friday, however, is perfectly acceptable.

Someone, thinking it would be good for morale to allow a bit more freedom with the dress code, had started a petition to make a random day each week 'Clothing Optional Day'. Elizabeth felt thankful that Radek had brought her a copy of the petition and made her aware of the Expedition's latest crazy action. Knowing the Expedition, she also felt the need to set up another rule:

624. 'Casual Friday' is NOT a code word for 'Clothing Optional Day'.

A. So don't even think about trying it.

B. Think about if the Wraith or the Genii attack.

C. Or if a V.I.P. from Earth comes.

D. You can't go off-world completely naked!

More than a few members of the Expedition were subsequently upset by the posting of this rule. Elizabeth didn't really care. She liked 'Casual Friday' but did not want to see more than half of the Expedition walking around in various states of undress or in the full nude. There were some things that she just didn't need to see.

625. You are _really_ not allowed to build a fully functional Death Star.

A. Rodney, I'm talking to you.

Elizabeth had two words for them – budget restraints.

626. Genetically altering Earth chipmunks to be able to sing in high squeaky voices is not funny.

A. Well, it was at first.

B. But now they've started to breed like crazy and their population is in an excess of one hundred thousand.

C. And they won't stop singing "Oops, I Did It Again."

D. Really, not funny, guys.

She did not want to know what Rodney and the rest of the Smart Camp had been smoking when they had come up with that one, but it was scary. Ronon, for the sake of all of their sanity, had come to her, begging for relief – which prompted the next rule:

627. The Chipmunks are now the official snacks of the Menagerie.

A. But not the Un-named Furry Creatures of Doom.

B. They don't like how the Chipmunks taste, apparently.

Turns out, the Menagerie was ridiculously good at hunting down the Chipmunks. However, the Un-named Furry Creatures of Doom did not like them. But Ronon was still pleased. And so was the rest of the Expedition. The Menagerie had taken great pleasure in hunting down and curbing the Chipmunk population.

628. No Twizzler battles.

The Expedition had taken to hitting each other with Twizzlers. The only reason that Elizabeth had put a stop to the battles was because the President had asked her to put it up.

629. When the Menagerie is babysitting, if you are not a parent of their charge, do not try to remove their charge.

A. They take their responsibilities seriously.

A few members of the Marine Brigade had wanted to see Mora when the Menagerie was babysitting her. Given that both Anne and Zek had entrust the Menagerie with the safety of their daughter, the large animal population of Atlantis had taken their job extremely serious. Said Marines ended up in the Infirmary.

630. Stop sicking the Menagerie on the Tok'ra!

A. Yes, they tried to take Anne's child, but the Menagerie is attacking them anyway.

B. It looks better if the Tok'ra don't hear us set the Menagerie on them.

Anise had poked her nose into the Expedition again. Atlantis hadn't taken her intrusion to kindly, especially when she had decided that Mora would be a valuable asset to the Tok'ra, particularly when combating the Wraith. In particular, the Menagerie had not been very happy. As a result, the Tok'ra had discovered very quickly how deadly the Menagerie could be when provoked.

631. Use safety precautions in the woodshop.

Word had gotten around about Ronon's skill as a carpenter. A number of the Expedition members had come to him, asking him to teach them how to make furniture. As a result, Ronon had taken over a previously abandoned part of the city as the woodshop. They were actually turning out some very impressive pieces. Elizabeth just wanted to make sure they didn't injure themselves too seriously.

632. To quote General O'Neill – bullets bounce!

A-8 was having an A-10 day. At least, that's what they said.

633. We are not on Pandora

A. John is not Jake Sully

B. You are not allowed to make Avatars

The Avatar craze had hit Atlantis. Naturally, Radek and Rodney had decided it would be fun to make Avatars. John, Teyla, and another scientist had been their test subjects. Rodney had managed to make honest to God Na'vi, ten feet tall and all, for them.

It was all going well until these Avatars ended up having consciousnesses of their own. This, Jake, Neytiri, and Grace were born. Jake and John had an unholy alliance, as did Teyla and Neytiri. Grace was with the Smart Camp, but found Rodney extremely annoying.

634. Use balance beams at your own risk.

A. And only if there are a lot of mats around.

Carson had thought that it would be beneficial if the Expedition worked on their balance. Ronon and Jen agreed. Thus, several balance beams were ordered and shipped to Atlantis. Elizabeth predicted a lot of damage.

And thus, another day on Atlantis ended with the posting of a new rule. Elizabeth stretched and looked at Clifford.

"Well boy, let's go laughed at Rodney and John."

Clifford barked happily. Rodney and John were supposed to have their first tries at the balance beams today. Elizabeth could only imagine the kinds of damage they would cause, both to themselves and to other people. It would be painful and very entertaining at the same time.

_Well, I hope you enjoyed this part. Now go push the button that says 'Review' and let me know. And don't forget to submit ideas!_


	28. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 – Part 27

_Disclaimer: I don't own._

_**Acknowledgments: black dragon:**__ for Rule 636_

_**Badwolf15: **__for Rules 639 and 640_

_**Hallowed are the Ancients:**__ for Rules 645, 648, and 657_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 649 to 652 (with some adjustments)_

_**Chaotic Monkey Overlord:**__ for Rule 654_

_Other notes:_

_Katie May: We get to see a few references to Doctor Who and TARDISes in this chapter. I hope you enjoy!_

_Sagey: You inspired stuff in here! Check Rule 655. It's not superglue, but it'll hopefully be just as funny._

It was an extremely good thing that they had gotten mats for the balance beam. For all of their skills, the Expedition was extremely uncoordinated.

635. Only the medical staff is allowed to call Dr. Keller "J. Kell."

Said medical staff had thought that it was both funny and clever that they could make a play on Jen's name and reference _The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_. However, having seen Jen's fond attachment to her needles (like the rest of the medical staff), Elizabeth was going to let that one slide. After all, it was her job to keep the rest of Atlantis safe and alive. Besides, anyone who incurred the wrath of Jen Keller had it coming.

636. All incoming plants must be cleared by Carson, the biologists, and myself

before they can be used by the rest of the Expedition.

John somehow brought back a plant that smelled somewhat like mint but had the properties of Marijuana. He, Ronan, Rodney and some of the other folks both science and military came for their briefings high, though they smelled good after wards though.

637. When invited to a festival off-world, use the buddy system.

A. Especially when drinking is involved.

B. A-10, doubly so.

Things had not been pretty the last couple of times teams had been the guests of honor or involved in festivals off-world. A-10, in particular, had been run off more than a few worlds, especially after Melissa had joined their ranks.

638. Keep all handcuffs in your rooms.

A. We really don't want to know why you have them.

B. Especially when they're fuzzy.

C. But they are not permitted off-world.

Elizabeth was not going to touch that one with a thirty foot stick. It gave her very bad mental images.

639. We would like to announce that as of the latest P.N.V.C.S match we have now officially wiped the Wraith from the face of the galaxy.

A. And we didn't even notice till Michael showed up and told us!

B. Well, screamed it. As he was cursing us for robbing him of his chance at revenge

C. Some people are never satisfied.

D. Incidentally, Michael as been subjected to the Wraith retrovirus

E. Again.

F. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Elizabeth was all for tossing him off the roof of the control tower, but Carson and Jen were so sure they'd got it right this time, and they had both given her that puppy-dog eyes look.

640. Ronon is not allowed to be left alone with "Michael Kenmore."

A. Neither is Colonel Sheppard.

B. Or Teyla.

C. Or Dr. McKay.

D. Or Major Lorne.

E. Or Dr. Zalenka.

F. Or Dr. Weir.

G. Michael Kenmore is not allowed to be left alone with ANYONE!

H. And, for the love of God, don't let him read the Idiot's Guide! He'll figure it out!

The Expedition was notoriously bad at that, she realized.

641. Be very wary of the Uber-Wraith.

In the vacuum created by their unknowing destruction of the Wraith, a super breed of Wraith emerged. They were tougher, stronger, and a lot harder to kill than the average Wraith and they had just woken from dormancy upon Atlantis' defeating their regular kindred. Elizabeth felt very apprehensive about their presence.

642. Avoid kill-counting the Uber-Wraith.

A. At least for now.

B. The retrovirus doesn't work on them.

C. The Smart Camp is working on an effective way to kill them.

It had to be said. She didn't want a large portion of the Expedition going out of their way trying to destroy these new Wraiths with their bare hands. That would only spell disaster.

643. No tie-dying uniforms.

A. Regulations, anyone?

She was very lax on a large number of things that the Expedition did during their free time on Atlantis, but this was pretty ridiculous. How did they manage to get their clothes so brightly tie-dyed? No doubt the Smart Camp had a hand in that. Still, they were regularly going off-world to meet new cultures. Elizabeth had the enforce the rule that they look presentable.

645. Seriously, quit bringing people back through the Stargate.

A. A few orphans I can understand, but a Wraith child?

This one was A-8's fault. The other teams had brought back orphans from time to time, but Elizabeth drew the line when they brought back a little Wraith girl, who they named Helen after Helen Magnus, continuing the ever present Sanctuary trend. How Helen had survive the P.N.V.C.S. destruction was beyond all of them. However, she was attached to A-8 and got violent when separated from them for long periods of times. As a result, Helen was not considered a weapon of mass destruction.

At least they didn't name her Bella.

646. Do not mess with Helen's food source.

That was more of a warning to everyone. Since her arrival on Atlantis, George had figured out a continually replenishing food that would satisfy Helen without causing her to feed on anyone from the Expedition. That alone was the whole reason A-8 got to became her guardians. Well, that and Carson had administered the retrovirus to her, which had successfully neutralized most of her Wraith-like qualities.

647. Keep Michael away from Helen.

A. We don't want him trying to kidnap her.

B. Or trying to re-start the Wraith.

C. The Uber-Wraith and the Genii are already enough to deal with.

A-8 alone had gone on full alert after she had posted that rule. They were with her constantly whenever they were on Atlantis. When they were off-world, George was watching her. For whatever reason, George and Helen had bonded, so A-8 felt safe about having him baby-sit her.

648. You are not allowed to make Replicators that look like celebrities or any other people.

A. Especially people in the Stargate Program.

B. THIS MEANS YOU, RODNEY!

Rodney had made a Replicator that looked exactly like Colonel Carter and had named her Samantha. It was just like RepliCarter all over again. Colonel Carter was not happy when she found out, and was demanding that Rodney change Samantha's appearance. He was refusing to budge.

It was not going to end pretty.

649. The science fiction TV show, _Doctor Who_, is not real

A. Do not attempt to file mission requests that are searches for the planet, Gallifrey, or any other fictional location within the Doctor Who universe.

B. And for crying out loud, do NOT try to make a TARDUS,

C. Please refer to Rule 226.

D. Rodney, I know you already managed to replicate Janus' time machine. You don't need a TARDIS as well.

_Doctor Who_ had emerged as the latest fad. Someone had come up with the idea that, since ALF was real, why couldn't the Time Lords from the show be real as well? Then the idea to attempt to create another TARDIS had emerged. And _then_ someone had come up with the idea of going back in time and 'rescuing' the original film rolls for all of the original _Doctor Who_ serials before many of them were 'destroyed' or 'lost.' The only reason she'd allowed it and not ordered them to return the copies was because it did fit into causality because a lot of the original prints had actually been lost or destroyed. Why couldn't that have been due to someone traveling back in time and stealing them? This, unfortunately, led to the next rule.

650. Unless traveling back in time could be the reason for an event in history, do NOT do it.

A. That's the only reason that the "Great Doctor Who Serial Rescue" was allowed because it could be the reason for so many of the prints going missing.

She needed to make sure that they didn't think that they could go back in time and steal other things.

651. Atlantis-human relationships, while creepy and unnatural, are allowed.

A. Just as soon as Rodney finishes giving her an android body to make it slightly less creepy and unnatural.

An Expedition member who wished to remain anonymous for the time being had apparently hooked up with Atlantis. Eliabeth had spoken to Rodney about the possibility of building an android body so that the relationship could at least seem somewhat more natural. Rodney had agreed because he saw it as a chance to boost his ego and prove that he was, indeed a super-genius.

652. Any surviving Wraith prisoners are not allowed to be used as target practice.

A. Unless you give them weapons with which to fight back fairly and give them a fair chance.

B. And you must take the fight off of Atlantis and onto some off-world location.

They had periodically come across a few pockets of regular Wraiths who had, for some unknown reasons, survived the P.N.V.C.S. destruction of their kind. Ronon's idea, after they had captures said Wraith, had been to use them as target practice. Elizabeth didn't necessarily agree.

653. For the love of all things holy, no vuvuzelas!

How the heck the Alliance had gotten their hands on vuvuzelas, she didn't want to know. However, when they had come back from a rescue mission off-world, Radek was grinning madly and all four of them had said annoying horns. Elizabeth made them get rid of them and them banned vuvuzelas from Atlantis for sake of her sanity. She wasn't quite sure that the Alliance had followed her ruling though.

654. When you can't get a lock with the Stargate, a giant wire clothes hanger does not help increase reception.

A. For Pete's sake, it's an ancient alien device far beyond our capabilities, not a cable TV!

Where the hell did A-13 get a 20 foot wire hanger from?

655. You are not allowed to eat paste.

A. Are you five?

B. It might damage your brain cells!

Apparently, the Marine Brigade had found paste and decided that they wanted to be in kindergarten again. Elizabeth wasn't pleased when both Jen and Carson had forced their ways into her office in flaming rages. Now she understood why they were called "J. Kell" and "The Highlander" respectively.

656. Word of advice, don't mess with Testudo.

Jen had taken some time off after the Marine Brigade Paste incident and had gone out to the East Pier to think and relax for a few hours. Out there, she had made friends with a giant turtle who, by chance, happened to migrate onto Atlantis and adopted Jen as his owner. She named him "Testudo." The medical staff had gotten upset that she hadn't named him "Hyde," but they refrained from telling her that.

657. Traveling to alternate realities is not funny.

A. Even when it's to the Evil Twin Universe.

B. And don't bring people back from there!

Over ten teams had traveled to alternate realities in less than a week. And they had brought back some of their alternate selves with them. As if having one A-1 wasn't enough. Thank God A-13 hadn't been one of the teams that had traveled. That would have spelled disaster.

658. Jelly beans are hereby prohibited from leaving Atlantis.

Really, they should know a lot better than to take candy off-world. But A-10 just happened to be especially bad. Melissa had a bag of jelly beans in her pack. The natives found them and liked them. She had wisely let them keep the candy.

Smiling to herself, Elizabeth rose from her desk. Tonight, it was her turn to help George baby-sit for Helen while A-8 was on an overnight mission. Helen liked Clifford.

_There ya go! Hope you liked it! Now, don't forget to review and all that jazz. And send me fun ideas!_


	29. AN I am SO sorry!

The Idiot's Guide – Author's Notes

I am SOOOOOOO sorry!

So . . . . moronic me, I lost the new stuff that I was working on the Idiot's Guide. (I almost had a major melt down, believe you me). The same thing happened for my Alice, 2009 multi-chapter fic. My whole computer, in fact. (I accidentally deleted all of the Word documents that I didn't have backed up on USB. I lost my 2009 NaNoWriMo, much to my total unhappiness.) And I don't know when I'll be able to get everything caught up, but I'm hoping it'll be really soon.

I'm hoping that, come December, I'll be ready to post again. I would post in the next few weeks, but it's November . . . end of the semester, NaNoWriMo, papers, etc. Plus, I have to work on the novel that I've been working on for a few years (I lost a lot of the stuff I'd added in the last year or so).

Don't worry, I'll make sure the next few chapters are SUPER good. Don't cry. I'll be back soon! Honest! Keep your eyes open!


	30. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 – Part 28

_Disclaimer: Yep, I really don't own anything._

_Hey guys! I'm back. Huzzah! Sorry about the delays. REALLY! I couldn't control it. Still, here's some fun stuff to make it up to you._

_**Acknowledgements: Chaotic Monkey Overlord/Nemo Nobody (name change!):**__ for Rules 662, 675, and 677 (with some changes)_

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 663, 664, and 671 (with some changes)_

_**Hallowed are the Ancients:**__ for Rules 668 and 670_

Elizabeth yawned as she sent the newest rule. It had been a long night, baby-sitting and that had subsequently inspired the next rule.

659. More than two people must baby-sit for Helen.

'Nuff said. Everyone agreed.

660. No singing the Chipmunk Christmas song.

A. Do you want everyone pissed off at you?

B. You know who you are.

A-1 quietly went into hiding. Elizabeth didn't know why they even bothered hiding. They did it every year and every year, the entire Expedition came after them angrily.

661. What have I said about silly string?

A-13 was horrible. Just horrible. The Daedalus crew had just managed to get themselves lulled into a false sense of security.

662. The stargate is not to be used as a TV.

A. Even if the wire hanger can get over 1,000,000 channels

B. And the event horizon kicks HD's a**.

Nobody could believe it. It was nearly impossible to dial directly to earth, but as soon as A-13 duct-tapes a giant wire hanger to it, they were watching the play-boy channel.

663. The Nameless Fuzzy Creatures of Doom Fighting Ring is hereby disbanded.

A. Any attempts to re-start it will be met with charges of animal cruelty and possibly a court-martial.

A few of the teams had decided to start a fighting ring with the Nameless Fuzzy Creature of Doom. Ronon had gotten seriously ticked off when they brought several of the injured creatures to him for treatment and he had made inquiries into the cause of the injuries. Once he'd found out the truth, he went straight to Elizabeth with a request to kill the people who had started fighting the creatures. Elizabeth had denied him that permission, but said she would handle it. And another rule spawned.

664. Killing people over abusing members of the Menagerie is not allowed.

A. Violence never solved anything.

In addition to Ronon's request to be allowed to kill the people behind the Nameless Fuzzy Creatures of Doom Fighting Ring, there had been two separate incidents involving A-13 and getting members of the Menagerie high. That had been The owners of the members of the Menagerie that had been exposed demanded permission to kill, maim, and/or destroy A-13 in retaliation.

665. If at first you don't succeed, bouncing up and down won't help.

A. Especially if you're off-world.

B. And there are not trampolines.

Suffice to say, A-6, A-8, A-11, A-16, and A-17 were greatly disappointed in this new rule.

666. There is no rule 666.

Elizabeth was feeling particularly devilish with this rule. Plus, she didn't want to boost a team's collective ego by having one of their insane and inane antics be the cause of Rule 666. Said egos were already bad enough.

667. Security blankets are not allowed off-world.

A. You are not Linus from the Peanuts.

She didn't want to know why A-7 all had matching "security blankets" but she was positive that soon enough the Smart Camp would come up with a new safety device that was a security blanket. Then and only then would she be willing to open negotiations about the practicality of having "security" blankets off-world. Until then, the entire Expedition would just have to wait.

668. Beware Thor's wrath

A-1 weren't talking. All Elizabeth knew is that it had to do with the alternate universe incidents that had been going on lately, and involved Thor and a Wraith stunner.

669. The Na'vi are very happy on their new homeworld.

A. You are not allowed to bring them back.

B. Under pain of the Marine Brigade.

C. And that means you, Smart Camp.

The Marine Brigade had gotten extremely tired of the Na'vi walking around Atlantis, so they had petitioned her to find a suitable new world for them. Elizabeth had been more than compliant. Clifford and the rest of the Menagerie didn't like them either. Something about encroachment of territory. So they, after a few weeks of intensive searching, found a new world for the avatars. Save most of the Smart Camp, everyone was happy about the way things played out.

670. You are not allowed to bring your families to Atlantis to live with you

A. It's dangerous here

B. And this place is supposed to be a secret!

C. Anne is an exception

A few members of the Expedition had requested that they bring their families to live in Atlantis with them. Luckily, Elizabeth had shot that one down before it got to Earth.

671. Do not screw with the Rebel Alliance

During a failed Wraith attack, a few of the guys had done things which warranted the formation of an all-male version of the all-female Enigmatic Eight. The membership included Rodney, John, Joshua Adams of A-6, two of the guys from A-10, and, quite shockingly, George. The monkey turned out to be quite skilled with fighting. Someone had tried to dub them the Stormtroopers from Star Wars, but changed it to Rebel Alliance after realizing that the Stormtroopers could never hit anything.

Ronon was slightly angry that he wasn't included. But at the same time, Elizabeth was glad; the last thing they needed was Ronon on two separate fighting groups. Jen was already feared enough, and she wasn't even as tough as Ronon.

672. Do not put reindeer antlers on any of the Menagerie.

A. They don't like it.

Clifford and the dragons were not in a good mood.

673. The Rebel Alliance may not build or commission X-wing fighters.

They were all upset by that one. The Fleet did not need any more additions than it already had, but that led to another rule that made them feel a lot better:

674. You may, however, commission a Millennium Falcon.

A. Under the condition that only one working ship is built.

B. And said one working ship is only used by the Rebel Alliance.

C. All others will be forcibly removed and destroyed by the Alliance.

That was, she felt, fair enough. Especially since the Alliance felt that the Rebel Alliance had stolen some of their coolness. Jen was particularly upset about it. Elizabeth knew, better than most, not to make the Alliance mad. Things tended to blow up that way, especially when they weren't out on missions.

675. You are a Sith or a Jedi, nothing else.

A. P.N.V.C.S is hereby disbanded.

B. Don't blame me!

C. Kindly direct all questions to Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard.

Finally the factions game got too confusing and everybody agreed on two sides, the Jedi and the Sith. May the force be with you.

It was all John and Rodney's idea.

676. The original Pirates and the original Ninjas retain their factions.

A. Do not question them.

The founding members of the two factions had been quite disturbed by the way that Star Wars had taken over the Expedition. So they had made the announcement that, unlike newer members and newer factions, they would keep their original positions because they were cool that way.

677. Unofficially, Ronon is a Sith

A. Only Sith can have cool hairstyles.

B. And Wookies.

C. But he reserves the right to choose.

Ronon couldn't decide, so the Expedition took a vote. 16% Jedi, 64% Sith and 20% Wookie.

678. The Alliance would like to announce that they are neither Jedi nor Sith.

A. They are their own unique faction.

B. Much like the original Pirates and Ninjas.

C. The Rebel Alliance may not copy them.

The four members of the Alliance had conferred and followed in the footsteps of the Pirates and the Ninjas. They were not affiliated with the new system in any way. They were above it.

679. In a similar vein, the Master is likewise above the Jedi and the Sith.

Elizabeth put that one in for herself.

She rubbed her eyes. There was a whole lot that she still had to do regarding the ever-evolving factions and government of Atlantis. It was odd to think that they were now quite a unique, if odd group of individuals. But they were themselves. And that led to more escapes than she cared to admit.

_YAY, new chapter. Go and review. Post ideas in the forum. Tell me what you think! I'll post another chapter soon! PROMISE!_


	31. Chapter 29

Chapter 29 – Part 29

_Disclaimer: Yep, no ownage here._

_Here's a brand spanking new chapter of the escapades of the Atlantis Expedition._

_**Acknowledgements: sciencefictionsquirrel: **__for Rules 682 to 686_

_**ChaosBabe:**__ for Rules 692 (with some additions) and 693._

Elizabeth couldn't stop laughing. They were insane, the whole lot of them. How they had managed to do what they did was not worth the effort of trying to find out. She just accepted it and moved on.

680. No giant rubber ducks.

The Smart Camp had managed to ring Atlantis with giant rubber ducks. As much as she liked them, Elizabeth had to make them take them down. The SGC didn't approve, though Colonel Caldwell and his crew certainly got a large laugh when the Daedalus arrived. It made quite a sight when viewed from above apparently.

681. Keep all Star Wars comments to a minimum in reports.

A. Earth doesn't like it.

B. Really.

They were slipping up. Again.

682. The Lantean Congressional Bodies are hereby approved.

A. To clear things up, here is how it works:

B. The Lantean Senate has four representatives: Two from the Smart Camp and two from the Marine Brigade

C. The Lantean House of Representatives has the following membership ratio: One member in the house for every ten members of each major division (Civilians and Military personnel).

D. The Lantean Council of Factions consists of one member from each of the following groups: the non-affiliated Smart Camp (those who don't belong to the Jedi, Sith, Alliance, Enigmatic Eight, or Rebel Alliance), the Non-Affiliated Marine Brigade, the Jedi, the Sith, the Alliance, the Enigmatic Eight, and the Rebel Alliance

They had done it! Success! Earth approved of them as their own colony. It was one step closer to being an independent country. The United States government wasn't quite ready for that one yet though.

683. You can only hold a position in one of the Congressional Bodies.

A. And regardless of however many factions you may fall into, you can only register to vote as a member of one faction.

She didn't want anyone trying to rig the system or gain too much power.

684. Terms of Office go as follows:

A. Senate: Four years. Maximum number of terms: Two

B. House: Four years. Maximum terms: Two

C. Council: Two years. Maximum terms: Four

Elizabeth had drawn a lot from the United State's governmental system. The rest of the Expedition had agreed with her decisions.

685. The first official election is to be held in one month.

A. And every two years will be an election year.

Just to be fair. It gave all nominees an appropriate amount of time to do a quick campaign for the positions they were up for.

686. No, the Menagerie do not get votes

A. Exceptions: George.

It wasn't that she didn't like them, but it was just that the Menagerie generally didn't care who ruled Atlantis.

687. Atlantis gets the final say.

A. She is our city.

B. And we love her.

Elizabeth wanted to make sure that all of their bases were covered. And Atlantis could be very cheeky when she wanted to be.

688. The Alliance formally announces that they are withdrawing all of their names from the campaign race.

A. And that they are their own autonomous group within Atlantis.

It seemed fair. Radek had been the one to tell Elizabeth. He was of sound mind in his telling of their decision. She really couldn't blame them. They were such a small group to begin with.

689. No painting the Fleet in your colors.

The Jedi and the Sith were getting more than a little ridiculous. The Expedition had woken up one morning to find the Fleet divided up and painted. Half had the Jedi colors and symbol. The other half had the Sith colors and symbols. Elizabeth was about ready to throttle necks but she thought better and made them paint the Fleet back to their original colors. That made them think twice about doing it again.

690. No humming the Twilight Zone theme song when going through the 'gate.

A. Or off-world.

B. It's just creepy.

A-13 had started it. Everyone else caught on.

691. When A-13 comes back from 449, keep butter knives away from them.

Apparently whenever they got back from 449 the last time, A-13 had managed to get into a mock swordfight with butter knives because everyone thought that butter knives were harmless and A-13 couldn't hurt themselves while coming down off of their high. Everyone was wrong.

692. Don't piss off the Smart Camp, or the people who make coffee.

A. Seriously people, don't.

B. See Rule 2 for reference.

An upstart newbie marine had made some snide remarks about giving any scientist the label of veteran, caused by being denied coffee by the Smart Camp. He made Miko cry, in front of Rodney and Radek. Rodney and Radek was very proud of their veteran statuses, and Miko made good coffee. Rodney and Radke had not only managed to kick his ass, they both made his life extremely uncomfortable. As did the rest of the scientists. And the Alliance. And Clifford.

693. If you are arriving on Atlantis for the first time, you must read the Guide.

A. It will help you in your quest to not die.

It was a sane and smart move on everyone's part.

694. For the love of all things holy, do not press the shiny button.

A. You should know this by now!

B. Bad things will happen!

A-6, in their intelligence, had. Polly now was changing colors every few hours. She was not amused and she let the team know exactly how she felt. They were now pleading the Smart Camp to fix her.

695. Make nice to Dr. Zalenka.

Radek still held keys to the moonshine distillery. The newbies forgot that. They tried to break in and realized that, over time, Radek had put more elaborate security systems in. The newbies were quick to realize just how scary the Alliance could be when they wanted to be.

696. Hide all backscratchers.

A. The dragons use them as chew toys.

A few Marines had gotten backscratchers as gag gifts for Christmas. Lorn, Smaug, and Sapphira all liked using them as chew toys, for reasons unknown. But said backscratchers were not good for their health. Hence, the rule.

697. No talking politics in front of the Alliance.

A. Remember who they have on speed-dial.

It still scared the crap out of Elizabeth that the Alliance had regular communications with the President.

698. By order of Dr. Weir and the President of the United States, the Alliance is the official liaison between the head of the Expedition and the Commander-in-Chief.

Elizabeth had worded it so that all of her successors would have the same benefits that she enjoyed. The Alliance liked her and she hoped that they would be an institution for many years to come. Therefore, it was a good thing that they remained in favor with the United States and Atlantis.

699. Although Atlantis is an official colony now, you may not wear paraphernalia while on Earth.

A. Non-disclosure – remember?

The first batch of leave back to Earth was coming up soon. She just wanted to make sure that everyone knew what they were and weren't still allowed to do.

700. Absolutely no boom-sticks!

The entire Marine Brigade cursed at that one. Elizabeth knew that the last movie marathon had been the Evil Dead trilogy. As awesome as it would be, she couldn't justify ordering large quantities of boom-sticks from Earth.

701. Keep your pet mice in your rooms.

A. Remember we have lots of members of the Menagerie who would like to eat them.

A-7 and A-12 had pet mice. Mice could get loose easily and there were enough mice-eating predators on Atlantis now to justify said rule. After all, the Chipmunk population was dying down significantly.

Clifford barked merrily, chasing after a small rodent. Elizabeth laughed at her dog's antics as she posted the latest rule. The Expedition certainly had a way with life.

_Wow. Over 700 rules now. Can you believe it? Anyway, you know the drill. Review. Post new ideas to the forum. Let me know what you think! A new chapter will be coming soon enough._


	32. Chapter 30

Chapter 30 – Part 30

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to an alumna of my college who was, sadly and tragically, killed in Japan's earthquake and tsunami. Rest in peace, Taylor Anderson, R-MC '08. You will be missed. **

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

_Wow, part 30. Can you believe it? _

_**Acknowledgements: Nemo Nobody: **__for Rules 704 and inspiring 714._

_**Sciencefictionsquirrel: **__for Rules 707, inspiring 708 (I just didn't have the heart to put Ronon onto the Rebel Alliance), 717 (with a few changes), and 718._

Elizabeth rubbed her eyes. Atlantis sighed around her. The city couldn't believe them either sometimes, she guessed.

702. Chipmunk-mice mix breeds are strictly prohibited.

The Menagerie got a new breed of snacks. The Smart Camp got upset. Elizabeth face-palmed.

703. Wooden bokkens, jos, and tantos count as sticks.

A. You may not poke each other with them.

B. We already have a rule about this.

Colonel Caldwell had come to her personally about that one, when half the Marine Brigade and a few dozen of the Smart Camp had ordered said wooden weapons of various types of wood. He thought that she should be informed and Elizabeth, knowing the insanity that usually followed the Expedition around, was quick to end it before people got hurt.

704. The Rebel Alliance has decided that even though its two lead members were the ones that started the Sith and Jedi factions, the Rebel Alliance will belong to neither, BUT will not be a faction in and of itself.

A. This shall be known as the Rebel alliance paradox.

B. They belong to no faction, but they are not a faction themselves, even thou not belonging to a faction should make them their own faction, which they are not. But they're still in the game, just in no faction but working together.

C. Rebel alliance just blew up your death star, Alliance.

D. This message brought to you by the better Alliance.

Elizabeth could feel the bad Juju building

705. By order of the SGC and the Joint Chiefs, you may use the word, 'Juju,' in place of the 'Force.'

Given the relationship between Atlantis and Star Wars, she thought that it would be a good thing for them to have a word to use in place of the Force, particularly since the Expedition was so bad at stealing other ideas and running with them.

706. No Atlantis team, official or unofficial, may take the title the "A-Team."

A. Just because there is a coincidence does not mean you may take the name.

B. We do NOT need any more law suits.

Elizabeth had been very reluctant to post that rule. She thought that it would be funny if they had A-Team shirts.

707. Radio Free Atlantis is not permitted.

Rodney had developed a long-term mobile underwater geothermal power station with living facilities and a back-up Stargate based off the Ancient geothermal platform they had discovered. Someone had decided to use said station and it's virtually infinite power supply to form Radio Free Atlantis, a pirate radio station that would broadcast messages providing updates on the LIM as well as encouraging the LIM to prevail through whatever means necessary, including violence, to both Atlantis and Earth. Elizabeth felt the need to stop it before it got too out of hand. Unfortunately, the people responsible had commandeered the station and fled upon hearing that Elizabeth was shutting them down. Ronon was preparing to lead a team in a Jumper adapted for underwater usage on a search for the rogue platform to board it and shut it down.

708. Ronon will not be forced to join the Rebel Alliance.

A. He's scary enough as is.

B. The Alliance has already declared succession if he is forced.

C. Remember who he's dating.

The Rebel Alliance had wanted Ronon to join them. However, upon hearing this, the rest of the Alliance had taken personal offence. Ronon got quite upset about the prospect of being forced to leave (in part) the "unofficial" team that he quite liked. The Rebel Alliance had ceased in their campaigning to have him declared a member of their group after the Alliance had staged what could only be described the largest paint-ball hunt in the known Galaxies. After the entire Rebel Alliance had been chased across several worlds and subsequently landed in the infirmary, whereupon Dr. Keller reminded them _why_ she was nicknamed "J. Kell," they saw the errors in their judgment. And she wasn't even as scary as Ronon was.

709. "Highway to the Dangerzone" is not to be played when flying any ship in the Fleet.

Top Gun had re-emerged in full force. Elizabeth quickly got tired of hearing the theme song being played over and over again.

710. Renovate the Wall at your own risk.

A. Or if you have the permission of Dr. Weir.

The Wall had gotten very large over the years. John had come to her with the idea of expanding the room that it was in so that it now included the two storage rooms that flanked it. She had agreed, under the condition that all pictures would be taken down, stored carefully, and put back up after the renovations were completed.

711. Fuzzy slippers are not appropriate footwear to wear off-world.

A-2 had decided to get animal fuzzy slippers. They wore them off-world. It didn't end as well as they thought it would. All of the natives now wanted pairs.

712. No, this is not Wonderland.

A. And the Stargate is not the Looking Glass.

B. How many times do we have to tell you this?

She honestly had lost count of how many times teams had gotten run off-world because the natives had actually believed them when they had said that they came from Wonderland through the Looking Glass.

713. No performing flash mobs off-world.

A-7 and A-8 did it once. She put that rule up immediately after they had all woken up in the infirmary, twitching and with a variety of broken bones.

714. In theory, avoid loop holes and exhaust pipes when building a Death Star.

A. But do not build one.

She just wanted that one out there. It was bad enough that the Expedition was obsessed with Star Wars. Elizabeth wanted to avoid having any form of an Empire forming.

715. Recycle.

The kitchen staff had come to her about creating some kind of recycling program for the Expedition. Elizabeth was quick to agree. They were going to be responsible people and recycle. After all, it kept the planet (and Atlantis) happy with them. She knew that it would be good for everyone, in the long run. Plus, it gave the Smart Camp a new pet project for the immediate future.

716. Green paint is hereby forbidden from coming anywhere near the labs.

A. Or the kitchen.

B. Or any of the Smart Camp's bedrooms.

In light of the recent adoption of a greener Atlantis, the Marine Brigade had jokingly taking to painting certain parts of the city green. The Smart Camp, the kitchen staff, and Atlantis did not appreciate their gesture. Said Marine Brigade was soon feeling the ill effects of making all three mad.

717. You are not allowed to name our new Wraith ally Nikola Tesla.

Warehouse 13 and Sanctuary was still popular on Atlantis. That had become evident when a Wraith had approached them to talk peace. They had become allies. Rodney had waned to name him Nikola Tesla. Elizabeth didn't want to let that happen but he had quickly gotten the support of the entire Expedition and she was not one to make them mad.

718. Chuck Norris is not going to join the Expedition.

A. Do not attempt to abduct him, wipe his mind, and then give him a new identity as a native of the Pegasus Galaxy, living on Atlantis.

B. I mean it!

That rule alone dashed all hopes of much of the Expedition, but Elizabeth knew that it was a necessary rule.

719. Cloaks are to stay on Atlantis.

Several members of the Expedition had ordered cloaks from Earth. Elizabeth hadn't known about that until A-10 had come walking back through the 'gate after a particularly interesting away mission, cloaks on, grins on their faces, and completely covered in bruises. At the debriefing, they had regaled her with a story about the natives, who were nudists, being highly offended by their cloaks. A massive brawl had soon ensued between A-10 and the natives. No Atlantis team was going back to that planet any time soon – either voluntarily or involuntarily.

720. A-13 is not allowed to go to Nudist Planet after returning from 449.

A-1 and A-10 had tried. A-6 had caught wind of it and had informed her. Elizabeth was fortunately able to stop said outing from occurring before anything bad could happen. The last thing that anyone needed was for A-13 to become nudists every time they came back from 449. They were interesting enough as is.

721. No poop jokes off-world.

A. Or in briefings.

B. Or in mission reports. The SGC still reads those.

C. And that includes 'dooty.'

She didn't know who started it, but apparently it was getting bad. Elizabeth didn't mind it in every day jargon, but poop jokes were permeating every aspect of the Expedition's life. It was really bad.

722. Yes, the SGC and the IOA read our reports.

A. If only to make sure we're still alive and semi-sane.

Elizabeth had questioned adding the semi-sane part. But, as she theorized to herself, the Expedition was sane, in the loosest definition of the word. After all, they were getting very good at coming up with some crazy ideas and having those crazy ideas actually work. Some part of her brain told her that military leaders all around the Earth could learn a great deal from them, though she didn't want to mention that to anyone on Earth because, knowing the government, they would think that it was genius and starting shipping people out to the Pegasus Galaxy to learn from them. That, in and of itself, could be very bad, especially since they weren't public yet.

723. Dr. Keller and Ronon would like to announce their official engagement.

A. Wedding details and announcements will follow soon.

B. As well as a wedding, on both Earth and on Atlantis.

C. Dr. Keller's family does not have clearance to know about Atlantis, hence the wedding on Earth.

Elizabeth honestly couldn't resist putting it up as a rule. Everyone knew that Jen and Ronon were going to get married at some point. They had gotten awfully close recently and most of the Expedition agreed that they were a very cute couple. When they had come to her to discuss their options, she had given them a straight look and told them that she would ensure that everything got cleared and that Jen would not get shipped back to Earth at any point, so long as they had their first wedding on Atlantis. Both agreed.

Smiling, Elizabeth logged off of her computer before getting up. Whistling for Clifford, she made her way to the giant engagement party that the Alliance and A-1 had jointly thrown together for Jen and Ronon.

_So, how about them apples? What do you think? Anyways, you know what to do now. Go review and send ideas. I love feedback._


	33. Chapter 31

The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

Chapter 31 – Part 31

_Disclaimer: Do I look like I own?_

_Sorry it's been a while. I'm in the middle of my exam week of my final semester of undergrad. (GAH!) It's a bit stressful._

_So, I was thinking about doing a multi-chapter fic covering the planning of Jen and Ronon's weddings, both on Atlantis and Earth. What do you think? Should I do it?_

_**Acknowledgments: scienefictionsquirrel:**__ for Rules 726, 727, 743, and 744._

_**Nemo Nobody**__: for Rules 731 through 736._

It was pretty rough, the day after the engagement party of Jen and Ronon. Elizabeth, like most of the Expedition, was really feeling the after-effects, which was why the next rule was put up:

724. Missions will be postponed or canceled if the entire team has justified evidence of hangovers.

No one disagreed with her. In fact, they were all silently thanking her for being so kind.

725. Keep rice away from the infirmary.

A. Testudo doesn't like it.

B. And neither does Lorn.

The Marine Brigade, in their enthusiasm for most traditions, had taken to pelting Jen with rice every time she came in and out of the infirmary. It wasn't until she had informed them that rice was used only right _after_ a wedding that they doubled their efforts. Then the Marine Brigade discovered that the resident turtle and dragon didn't particularly like rice and they stopped.

726. Hide your stuffed Wraith trophies whenever Nick is visiting.

Nick, as the entire Expedition had taken to calling their new ally, had decided to visit Atlantis. Someone had suggested brining out all of the Wraith trophies and presenting them as a 'terracotta army' or sorts to show their friend. Nick had been disgusted and had threatened to blow up the city the next time they presented him with "such monstrosities." Apparently, he knew some of the deceased.

727. Nick is being very nice by letting us use his forces to crew the Fleet.

A. Stop complaining.

B. He has thousands of Wraith crewmen.

C. We don't have anywhere near that many Expedition members.

Nick had agreed to loan Atlantis some of his crewmen to get the Fleet properly crewed. He had thousands to spare because he had apparently been stock-piling Wraih in stasis since the end of the war with the Ancients, a few hundred reproduced every time his queens awoke. The only thing he asked for in return were mindless bodies cloned using the Asgard's inefficient cloning system that didn't replicate the consciousness to feed his troops. Elizabeth had no intentions of letting Earth know that she was selling practically brain-dead human-shaped meatbags as food in exchange for food. Earth might get mad.

728. Do not ask why most of the Wraith females are queens.

A. Nick gets mad.

B. And you may not ask Helen or Michael either.

A few Smart Camp members had asked that question. Nick refused to answer. Helen didn't know. Michael just clammed up.

729. "Atlantis' Next Top Model" is not officially sanctioned.

She didn't know where their brains went sometimes. However, Elizabeth wasn't going to stop it, since it was open to both men and women. Clearly, the Rebel Alliance remembered the events of the Cheerleading incident and had acted accordingly.

730. Recreating "Legends of the Hidden Temple" is not allowed.

A. Off-world.

She wasn't going to have them decide to recreate the '90s kids game-show at every single temple they came across off-world. John, in one of his rare moments of ingenuity, had requisitioned part of the north side of city to create a version of "Legends of the Hidden Temple" solely for the amusement of the Expedition. Elizabeth only chuckled when Ronon found out that there was a great deal of physical activity (and some violence) involved in this version. Jen and Carson were already stocking up on medical supplies.

731. _Fight Club_ is not the way of life, so do not do what they did in the movie.

A. That means you, Rebel Alliance.

Everyone had tried very hard to keep the Fight Club movie and novel off of Atlantis, but, by sheer dumb luck, the Rebel Alliance got it on the Stargate TV and, while nothing had happened, A-10 (with the exception of Melissa) had shaved their heads and had started calling each other "Space Monkey," while dressed all in black and then not talking about it.

Everyone was concerned.

732. On behalf of the Atlantis men's Support Group, we'd like to put all rumors to rest and to say it's not a Fight Club, just A-10 spreading rumors.

A. All blood stains and/or bruises are the result of personal accidents and/or pranks gone wrong.

B. Once again, not a fight club.

C. You can trust us.

Needless to say, Elizabeth wasn't convinced.

733. Do not talk about Atlantis Men's Support Group

A. Do not talk about Atlantis Men's Support Group

B. When someone says stop, or goes limp, sharing is over.

C. Only two guys to a sharing session.

D. One sharing session at a time.

E. Sharing goes on as long as it has to.

F. If this is your first time at Atlantis Men's Support Group, you have to share.

Yeah, nothing suspicious or concerning about that. Elizabeth made a mental not to lock up all products used to make soap.

734. Soap-Making is banned

A. You know why.

This felt like a good rule to add. Especially after Ronon had noticed his discarded wraith fat was disappearing and Melissa discovered it in A-10's cooler.

735. A female is to sit in on all Atlantis Men's support group meetings to make sure nothing is going on.

A. It's not that we don't trust you; it's just that we know you.

Unfortunately, this rule was quickly discarded after Melissa came back wearing all black with a shaved head. Melissa was not very happy about it.

736. Ronon would like to remind everyone that the Men's Anti-Wraith Training Club is separate from Atlantis Men's Support Group.

A. However there is no Men's Anti-Wraith Training Club on days of Atlantis men's Support Group meetings.

B. And vice versa.

C. "That way we can both train and share equally." -Ronon

Elizabeth sighed. It started out good, but just ended horribly.

737. General O'Neill would like to remind everyone that only Dr. Jackson is to be referred to as "Space Monkey."

He had heard about what A-10 had been doing. He did not approve. From what Elizabeth had heard, Daniel had face-palmed. Sam and Teal'c were quite amused and were taking every opportunity to tease him.

738. Escorting Ronon and Dr. Keller back to Earth is not necessary.

A. Especially since they're not getting married yet.

B. The President wanted to meet with them.

C. The Alliance went with them, in case of an emergency.

D. And A-1 went as back-up to the Alliance.

As it turned out, the President had just wanted to congratulate them in person on their engagement. That, and he had invited Jen's parents to the White House for dinner. The Alliance had been on their best behavior, but Teyla had made sure to take pictures. Said pictures went up on the Wall.

739. "I can tell you stories" is not an appropriate thing to say when meeting the family of a team member for the first time.

A. Nor is "Yeah, so one time when we were drunk/high/drugged . . ."

B. Or "All of these people are afraid of us because . . ."

C. Or "On this one mission . . ."

Elizabeth honestly didn't want to know what the Alliance and A-1 told Jen's family, but apparently A-1 had been worse than the Alliance.

740. When encountering a problem off-world, do not ask, "What the devil is going on here?"

"A Very Potter Musical" and "A Very Potter Sequel" had hit Atlantis by storm. It was about time, Elizabeth figured, especially given Darren Criss' recent appearances on Glee and the Expedition's borderline obsession with the show.

741. Do not ask if a person can be a Portkey.

A. We all know that they can't.

That however, did not the Smart Camp from trying to create their own Portkeys. Elizabeth reasoned that, if they ever got Portkeys to work, they would actually be very useful tools to have.

742. "A Very Potter Musical" and "A Very Potter Sequel" may not be performed off-world.

A. And that includes songs.

B. The natives won't get the jokes.

Mostly, it was to prevent any religions to be developed surrounding the internet sensation.

743. "What is reality?" is a very useful phrase.

The Matrix craze had resurfaced, mostly as a response to the "A Very Potter Musical" and "A Very Potter Sequel" craze. Apparently, asking "What is reality?" got the Wraith thinking enough that they stopped mid-attack to ponder it, allowing for an easy victory/massacre/slaughter against the invading Wraith forces.

744. Order Atlantis to shut off her ears before using said phrase.

It also very nearly overloaded Atlantis when she pondered it and couldn't find a satisfactory answer. Rodney had had to delete the question for her memory in order to prevent the entire city from self-destructing because she was thinking too hard.

745. What have we said about wands?

A. Remember who has the needles?

Yet again, the entire Expedition was under the impression that they could do magic, fueled by "A Very Potter Musical" and "A Very Potter Sequel." The medical staff wanted to remind (nicely) who had to patch everyone up when they got injured. That alone was enough to keep the Expedition in line, for now.

Well, it _was _all in a day's work, Elizabeth justified to herself as she posted that rule. Atlantis was never dull.

_Well, what did you think? You know what to do now._


	34. Chapter 32

The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

Chapter 32 – Part 32

_Disclaimer: Yep. I do not own anything you recognize. Imagine what would happen if I did? _

_Sorry for how short this chapter is, but I hope it was worth the wait!_

_I would like to thank Sciencefictionsquirrel. Although I am not using any of your rules in this chapter, I would like to say how much I appreciate the rules you have submitted thus far and will continue to submit in the future. We are on similar wave-lengths and you make it so much easier for me, as a writer. Your rules really do inspire me. I don't know if I give you enough credit. If I had any Jell-O, I would give it to you . . . and then let Clifford steal said Jell-O, because he likes the stuff._

_**Acknowledgements: Birdie:**_ _for Rules 751 and 752_

_**ChaosBabe:**__ for Rule 753_

_**Gemini1985:**__ for Rule 757_

As usual for the Expedition, it didn't take very long before another rule got posted, this time caused the Smart Camp in their infinite time and energy, caused by a passing comment made, none other than, John Sheppard.

746. No holographic Tetris!

A. Remember the Pac-Man incident.

Rodney had gotten really bored one day. He started playing Tetris on his laptop and was struck by what he called a "brilliant idea." Half of the Smart Camp agreed with him. No one else did. George had tried to control the situation but Elizabeth found out.

747. The Menagerie may not be used for Easter egg hunts.

A. They don't like it.

B. You will be held responsible for all injuries incurred.

A-11 had tried. They failed. Jen and Carson were not happy whatsoever.

Ten members of the Marine Brigade and seven members of the Smart Camp had new reason to fear the Menagerie now.

748. You may not be a Starship Ranger!

The Expedition had just seen Team StarKid's recent viral musical "Starship." It had not ended well, especially when A-1 had decided to perform "Kick It Up A Notch" off-world. Jen had been very displeased and Elizabeth found that she couldn't yell at A-1 after seeing what the good doctor had done to the team.

749. The Uber-Wraith are not bugs!

A. You may not treat them as such.

Yep, the Expedition was certifiably insane. She was sure of it. Then again, after Rodney had changed the alert system to "Did you get my text?" she was pretty sure that was obvious.

750. The Menagerie is not to be used as back up off-world.

A. We don't need to be the basis of a religion.  
B. That way leads to the Goa'uld side!

That should have been obvious to everyone, but, then again, this was the Marine Brigade. Elizabeth knew how moronic they could be at times, especially when everything else seems to pale in comparison.

But the Menagerie had already caused at least four religions due to the Expedition talking about them while no missions. She didn't any more to pop up. Teams seemed to do that on their own with very little help as it were already.

751. Stop terrorizing the natives with stories of the Goa'uld as the false gods!

A. We don't want to start the Pegasus version of a witch hunt!

A-2 and A-5 had gotten slightly bored when they had gone off-world on a joint mission. So, to alleviate said boredom, they began an in-depth comparison of the Wraith and the Goa'uld. Natives had overheard them and, fearing an invasion of the Goa'uld, had chased both teams back to Atlantis.

752. The Smart Camp are not the cloners from Star Wars, and we DO NOT want an army of clones.

A. One set of all of us is enough.

B. Talk to Carson if you want to clone Sheppard's Ancient Gene.

C. That might actually be helpful.

Elizabeth could just imagine what could very well happen if there was an army of Expedition clones wondering around. The Pegasus Galaxy certainly wasn't big enough and there was no way the Milky Way Galaxy could handle a large amount of their weirdness. The SG-C already cringed whenever the Expedition got bored and decided to pull pranks on Earth.

To their credit, though, they were getting better at pranking. And they had managed to reverse-engineer some technologies from the Pegasus Galaxy for sale on Earth, not to mention some patented Atlantis ideas. After all, they needed to have some exports to support their insanity and their mischief.

753. Do not build a fountain in the middle of the 'Gate Room.

A. It's just too inconvenient.

B. Out on one of the Piers is acceptable.

A-10 had decided that they wanted to redecorate the 'Gate Room in preparation for Jen ad Ronon's wedding, so they managed to put a fountain in the middle of the room. The next day, the Genii attacked. The fountain got partially destroyed. Jen glared at A-10, Ronon played with his gun, and Melissa promised that they would move it out to one of the Piers.

Jen and Ronon were thoroughly displeased and stressed out enough as is. Elizabeth was sympathetic. It was bad enough planning one wedding, but two was crazy. Yet, they wanted two because both loved the Pegasus Galaxy and their family there, but Jen didn't have the heart to deny her family back home the chance to see her wedding and Ronon couldn't deny her that opportunity.

754. Decorative ribbon should not be used as a weapon.

Ronon had apparently thought so.

Jen had been working on the party favors for the Atlantis wedding. A-13 had stolen some of the candy after they had returned from 449. Ronon had been displeased since, as he claimed, he was the only allowed to steal the candy. It hadn't ended pretty.

755. Ice-sculpting. No.

A. Just no.

Most of A-1, A-6, A-10, and A-13, on 449. 'Nuff said.

756. Paint Charlotte's hallway at your own risk.

A. And may the gods have mercy on your soul.

She didn't know whose brilliant idea that had been but no one was coming forward to say anything.

757. A-1 is not allowed to send Ronon to the planet with the dinosaurs alone as a prank.

A. That's a bad idea with the way he is.

John and Rodney had thought that it would be a good idea to do that as a bachelor party prank. Teyla went along with it because she thought that Ronon would like it. He came back two hours later, bloody, bruised, and messy, carrying three eggs. Now, John, Rodney, and Teyla were the proud parents of three baby pterodactyls. Albus' young now had new playmates.

758. When playing the game of Assassin, you are not allowed to take it off-world.

A. Off-world, you are safe.

B. And may not be assassinated.

A-3 had organized a large-scale game of Assassin. It was actually humorous to see everyone paranoid and walking around with waterguns. But that led to:

759. Do not take your waterguns off-world.

A. The natives won't know what to make of them.

B. Or they might be afraid of them.

C. Or you might lose them.

She just wanted to make sure that everyone knew that. Now, as a result, there were large racks by the 'Gate for people to leave their waterguns when they were off-world and where they pick them up as soon as they were back on Atlantis.

760. No messing with people's waterguns while you are off-world.

A. That will get you assassinated!

A few newcomers had tried. They failed miserably.

761. Do not play Assassins around the Infirmary or Dr. Keller's quarters.

A. She has her wedding dress.

B. If you damage the wedding dress, you will suffer the consequences.

Jen was stressed out and she wanted the whole Expedition to know that she wasn't going take any chances with her dress. Ronon was backing her, even though he was very upset about her enacting the Earth tradition that he was not allowed to see the dress before the wedding. The entire medical staff was supporting Jen in her decision and going out of their way to keep him from even glimpsing the dress.

Elizabeth smiled. With Jen and Ronon's wedding(s) fast approaching, they were both stressed and excited. They were having their Atlantis wedding first, with Elizabeth overseeing it, before going back to Earth to have the wedding with Jen's family and friends. They had decided to honeymoon on Earth, since Ronon had had very little chance to spend time explore the planet and Jen was more than happy to show him around.

_Well, that's this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it! You know what to do! Let me know what you think._


	35. Chapter 33

Chapter 33 – Part 33

_Disclaimer: Nope. Me no owning anything._

Jen and Ronon's Atlantis wedding had gone off without a hitch. There had been a problem the night before with an unexpected Wraith attack but, luckily, everyone had survived the attack and nothing had been destroyed. They had left this morning to go back to Earth, giddy over their first wedding.

Still, while they were gone, the Expedition was preparing for their return.

762. In the absence of the Master, A-1, and the Alliance, Mr. Woolsey will be running things.

The small contingent that was going to Earth for the second wedding was getting ready to leave. The rest of A-1, as well as the Alliance, Anne's family, and a few choice members of the medical staff were going with her. Elizabeth wanted to stay on the safe side, while they were all away. Woolsey had been honored that she put enough trust in him to oversee things while they were gone. He had been there for the Atlantis-wedding and he was well-aware of the Expedition's insanity.

After all, they would be gone for well over a week. Jen and Ronon had already left the week prior.

In the back of her mind, Elizabeth knew that the Earth-wedding was going to be insane, especially with members of the SG-C there, as well as the President and his family. She had to smile. Most of Jen's family didn't know that Jen was such good friends with the President.

763. Only the medical staff is allowed to baby-sit Testudo.

Jen had left her pet turtle in their care while she was on Earth. The Smart Camp had tried to come "visit" him. Rodney got a broken arm, a fractured ankle, and three broken ribs. He wasn't too happy and EVERYONE heard about it.

Testudo earned his stripes.

764. Don't make Sapphira mad.

A. She's already hanging around the Infirmary.

B. Remember that she's best friends with Testudo and Lorn.

After the events with Testudo, the Smart Camp was steering clear of the three Menagerie-members and the Infirmary in general. There were going to be funs stories for Ronon and Jen, when they got back.

Keep bouncy balls out of briefings.

A. Or any meeting where there are people from Earth present.

John was the culprit there. He had been supremely bored one day and had a bouncy ball. A delegate from Earth had been visiting on a peaceful mission. John had snuck the bouncy ball into a meeting and started playing with it. Things got out of hand and the delegate had ended up in the Infirmary. Teyla gave John a firm talking-to and he was ashamed.

765. You may not steal the last Harry Potter film for early viewings.

The last Harry Potter film was coming out soon and the entire Expedition was on tender-hooks. Their love of Harry Potter was on the same level of their love for Lord of the Rings. Knowing that, Elizabeth did not want to have to clean up any mess caused by a mass revolt and the deployment of the Fleet.

766. A friendly excursion back to Earth will be planned to see the movie.

A. Yes, it will be for the midnight showing. A theater will be reserved.

B. Any Expedition member who stays behind on skeleton crew will be allowed to time travel back to attend the showing.

This was one of those cases where she justified time travel. That way, no one got upset. Those on skeleton crew had to wait a little while to see the movie, but they didn't have to wait three weeks to get back to Atlantis to start building things they saw from the movie, so it was a win-win situation.

767. There will be no searching for house elves in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Rodney had apparently thought so, given what they had run across already.

768. "He's an evil, life-draining vampire" is not an excuse that falls under 'justifiable homicide'.

A. Regardless of your mental state.

A-13 had gotten back from 449. One of them, who was apparently having a bad trip, saw one of Nick's Wraith personnel, yelled, "he's an evil, life-draining vampire," and proceeded to gun down the unfortunate Wraith, who happened to be Nick's second-in-command. Needless to say, Nick wasn't very happy. Neither was Elizabeth, who felt the need to make it known that she disapproved of the person's actions.

769. If Ronon is Chewbacca, Melissa is Buffy.

A. Look at her body count. She's as good at killing enemies as Buffy was.

No one was really contesting that one.

770. Keep bouncy balls out of briefings.

A. Or any meeting where there are people from Earth present.

John was the culprit there. He had been supremely bored one day and had a bouncy ball. A delegate from Earth had been visiting on a peaceful mission. John had snuck the bouncy ball into a meeting and started playing with it. Things got out of hand and the delegate had ended up in the Infirmary. Teyla gave John a firm talking-to and he was ashamed.

771. Dirty Dancing. Not for everyone.

The Marine Brigade got interesting when they got tired. A few had decided to recreate the famous lift scene from _Dirty Dancing_. It didn't end well.

772. Avoid table dancing at all costs.

A. Especially when your team all has cameras.

B. Pictures will be put on the Wall and on Atlantisbook.

More than a few people had gotten inebriated off-world and had decided to table dance. The rest of the Expedition laughed at the results

773. Do not read _Winnie the Pooh_ or any other similar books to children off-world.

A. They won't get it.

B. Chances are, their parents will be terrified.

C. It won't end pretty.

Annie had been the culprit there, but, to be fair, she had been reading the stories to Mora. Still, A-6 had been run off-world more than once after she had found a book in her pack and the native children, seeing the pretty pictures, demanded to be read to.

774. Pooh-sticks is only to be played when you are absolutely positive there are no natives watching.

A. Even then, use caution.

A-6 had been off-world, again.

Sean had mentioned something about Pooh-sticks. The rest of the team had thought that it would be fun to give the game a try. So, they found a bridge. A group of natives had come across them in the middle of a game and had promptly been shushed while the game was going on. When A-6 had returned to Atlantis, multiple other teams wanted to play. Now, eleven worlds had variations of Pooh-sticks.

775. Helen is only allowed to baby-sit Mora with the Menagerie's supervision.

It wasn't that Elizabeth was worried that Helen would revert and try and feed on Mora. No, it was the fact that the girl wasn't even ten years old yet.

776. POGs are prohibited.

Apparently, POGs, a random fad from the '90s, had come back with a vengeance on Atlantis. Elizabeth was not amused.

777. The Two-Headed Turtle Club may not be founded.

That had been a suggestion from John. Elizabeth said 'no.' They procrastinated enough as is.

778. No jelly grenades.

Where that one came from, Elizabeth did not care to know. Anne and Radek had, apparently gotten way too bored in the absence of Jen and Ronon, which resulted in them devising plans for food-related weapons during a meal.

She sighed, shaking her head. Jen and Ronon had to come back soon! They were missing some really weird stuff.

_Well, that's that. What do you think? You know what to do. Please let me know! I'll get another chapter up soon!_


	36. Chapter 34

Chapter 34 – Part 34

_Disclaimer: Yep, I REALLY own nothing._

_I'm back! And, hopefully, with a vengeance. I know that it's been a year (roughly) since I last posted something, but I hope to do some more writing here. I can't promise regularity, but I'm hoping that it'll be less than a year before I post another installment to the Idiot's Guide. But hey, I'm starting grad school and going to school to be a librarian definitely provides some darn good material. _

_**Belated acknowledgement: sciencefictionsquirrel**__: for Rule 768 in Chapter 33. I am so sorry that I didn't credit you and that it took me so long to do this! You are hilarious!_

_This chapter contains rules entirely written by me! Wow! It's been a while since one of those has happened! Anyway, I got onto a roll and these are the things that I came up with! Enjoy!_

Jen and Ronon were both extremely happy people, Elizabeth noted, the day that they came back from Earth. Of course, since they had just come back from their honeymoon, the entire Expedition decided to welcome them back in the only way that they knew how – with insanity.

779. Weddings are nice.

A. Just don't force people to have them for your own sake.

As a result of Ronon and Jen, the Marine Brigade realized that Anne and Zek hadn't had a wedding on base. They had been married off-world, not that it had really mattered, once Elizabeth had gotten the paper-work sorted out. Both were trying to avoid the large groups of Marines who wanted to have another wedding on Atlantis soon.

780. You are not allowed to have jet-skis.

John had tried. Carson shot that one down immediately.

781. Do not take any blowing bubbles off-world.

A. Nine times out of ten, the natives will want some.

B. Or be deathly terrified of them.

Multiple teams had been chased off or simply ran off worlds because of the native's reactions. Elizabeth was not necessarily happy when she found out the reason why. Colonel Caldwell had informed her, later, that the Marine Brigade had been the ones who had started and it had grown increasingly from there. He hadn't thought much of their requests. After all, the Expedition had requested much weirder things from Earth that the Daedalus had brought over.

782. James Bond is a fictional character.

A. You are not allowed to have him brought to Atlantis.

More than a few people had put in such requests. Elizabeth thought that they were funny. The SGC and the IOA didn't.

783. Cardboard forts may only be built in your free time.

She wasn't going to put a stop to that, despite what the SGC said. It was actually quite entertaining to see the complexity of the forts that were being built. Right now, the big competition was between the Smart Camp's Hogwart's Castle and the Marine Brigade's White House. Though, she didn't know where they kept getting all that cardboard. Coldwell didn't say anything

784. Do not perform chest bumps while off-world.

It wasn't that they were getting extremely carried away with a new fad. Elizabeth had just noticed a new pattern that was evolving as a direct result of some of their nuttiness.

785. No Monorail systems.

The Smart Camp had wanted to build a Monorail system around Atlantis. That sounded completely ridiculous and she had nipped that one in the bud as soon as she had heard about it.

786. Keep all hot glue guns away from George.

A. He doesn't like them.

Someone hadn't. George threw a fit. It wasn't pretty the next day. Now no one was allowed to keep the hot glue guns in the three labs surrounding whatever lab George happened to be working in on any given day. Suffice to say, _everybody_ was pitching in on the hot glue gun rotation schedule.

787. Reversing the magnetic poles may only be done under the direst of situations.

A. And only if really necessary.

The Smart Camp had gotten way too bored one day and, to no one's surprise, had figured out how to reverse the magnetic poles of the planet. What was surprising was that, despite the messing up of directions, nothing else really changed. Apparently, as George had reasoned, the Ancients had done it multiple times before.

Elizabeth suppressed the urge to laugh when Rodney had come barging into her office with the manic plans to figure out how to do this on other planets, to mess up anyone who might attack them. The man needed a break, so Elizabeth was sending him back to Earth early to visit with his sister.

788. In Dr. McKay's absence, Dr. Zalenka is in command of the Smart Camp.

A. He's been here just as long as Dr. McKay.

B. Remember, he's also a member of the Alliance.

That had gotten more than a few newer, younger scientists to shut up. Radek had been thoroughly pissed off when one had insinuated that he wasn't as qualified as said newer recruit to lead the division.

Dr. Gorl was eating his words now, especially when the paint-ball guns had been broken out.

789. Keep the Scrabble tournaments calm.

A. Don't hurt each other.

B. Remember the hazards of the great Monopoly tournaments.

The Marine Brigade and the Smart Camp had gone at each other's throats (quite literally) over an all-out Scrabble tournament. The brawl had been so bad that Carson had put several members of each side on bed rest until their broken bones and other internal injuries had successfully healed.

790. No impersonating Tim the Enchanter off-world.

A. Or any other character from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

B. The natives really won't get it.

A-10 had tried. A-13 had copied them. It had ended very badly. Elizabeth had to deal with the fact that both teams had come back and, in their mission de-briefs, had explained that they had quoted the movie and the natives had gotten very confused. She was just happy that A-6 hadn't gotten that idea. Joshua was extremely dangerous when around anything that could be considered flammable.

791. Do not quote the "Ex-Parrot" speech when around Polly.

A. Or suffer the consequences of your actions.

B. Remember that Polly is a VERY large parrot.

C. And remember who her owners are.

A pair of marines had launched into the dialogue after seeing Polly. That fad had quickly caught on. Polly didn't like it. She took her revenge on them. And so did A-6. It wasn't pretty.

792. You may not have the Penguins of Madagascar.

The fact that the Expedition had gotten their hands on the show and loved it honestly didn't surprise her. She just had to convince them that getting the penguins was the hard part.

793. Skeleton gloves are not acceptable parts of the uniform.

A. At least when you're off-world.

B. Even if the uniform laws are pretty lax out here.

The Rebel Alliance had decided that, since they couldn't get matching tattoos, like the Alliance, they were going to get Halloween skeleton gloves. Two weeks later, Elizabeth decided that it would be a good idea to only allow them to wear said gloves when on Atlantis.

794. Do not graffiti the Wall.

Someone had. The Marine Brigade immediately went on a man-hunt. It wasn't going to end pretty.

795. No flash mobs off-world.

A. Seriously?

She wasn't sure if it was the Marine Brigades or the Smart Camp who had first come up with the idea but, when half the Fleet disappeared one night, only to return the next afternoon with most of the Expedition, Elizabeth was furious.

796. No pranking Dr. Keller or Ronon to let you time-travel back to their Earth-wedding.

They had decided to have the Atlantis-wedding for that specific reason, but most of the Expedition still wanted to see them get married (again).

797. In the absence of the Master, A-1, and the Alliance, Mr. Woolsey will be running things.

In retrospect, Elizabeth knew that this was important. She had learned the hard way, when she had left for Jen and Ronon's Earth wedding.

The rest of A-1, as well as the Alliance, Anne's family, and a few choice members of the medical staff had gone with her. Elizabeth wanted to stay on the safe side, while they were all away. Woolsey had been honored that she put enough trust in him to oversee things while they were gone. He had been there for the Atlantis-wedding and he was well-aware of the Expedition's insanity..

In the back of her mind, Elizabeth remembered that the Earth-wedding was quite insane, especially with members of the SG-C there, as well as the President and his family. She had to smile. Most of Jen's family didn't know that Jen was such good friends with the President or that her co-workers (along with herself and her new husband) were (to put it kindly) bordering on bat-shit insane.

It had been a great wedding.

_So what did you all think? Liked? Disliked? Please review and let me know. I do love your feedback._

_Also, I will be doing my darndest to keep producing funnies, so here's hoping that the Muse (and my perverted sense of humor) can produce some funnies soon enough!_


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